


Eyes Open

by freckledkirschtein



Series: The Other Side [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drinking Games, Drinking to Cope, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Half-Jokes A-Plenty, Headcanon, House Party, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marco's P.O.V, Marco's Pug-face Appreciation Fic, Musician!Marco, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Road Trips, Self-Harm, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Triggers, Underage Drinking, Violence, artist!jean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2016-01-23
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:05:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledkirschtein/pseuds/freckledkirschtein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco Bodt was happy. Then the accident happened. He changed emotionally, and he was no longer the perfect, happy person everyone thought he was. He was forced to pretend that he was okay, but there was one person he could be himself around. Jean Kirschtein saved Marco to an extent, but Marco finds out the Jean is exactly like him, and suffering from Severe Depression. When Marco falls in love with the boy with the undercut, he doesn't know if it is for better or for worse.<br/>But Marco learnt a lesson, and it will stick with him.</p><p>Depression is like a war. You either win, or you die trying.<br/>Marco and Jean are choosing to fight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unlucky Past

“I'm running out of ways to make you see  
I want you to stay here beside me  
I won't be okay and I won't pretend I am  
So just tell me today and take my hand  
Please take my hand”  
-Just Say Yes, Snow Patrol

 

There was once a boy, and he was happy.  
All of a sudden he changed.  
He came back a completely different person, with a new mindset, a new outlook, and a new soul. The boy that once cared way too much about everyone and everything no longer cared anymore.  
The boy who seemed unbreakable, broke.  
He dropped the fake smile, and decided.  
He couldn’t do this anymore.

My name is Marco Bodt, and I used to be happy. Then the accident happened. My twin sister died, and I saw her mangled body. It changed me. I fell into depression, and tried to commit suicide, but failed. I simply fell into a coma for a few years, meaning that I missed big life happenings. My parent's marriage fell apart, my grandparent died, my elder brother left, and my little brother was no longer a baby. Now I am stuck with a messed up mind, and depression that I have been hiding ever since I came out of my coma. It’s been hard.  
Everyone around me thought that I was happy, and nothing could ruin me. But these people were what did it. I was brave, and stood up for anyone who was being picked on, or going through hard times. These people thought that it was okay to pick on me, since I was ‘unbreakable’.  
I’m not brave anymore. I’m broken. They’ve broken me. Sometimes the person who has always been there for everyone else, needs someone to be there for them.

That’s when I met Jean.  
Jean is just like me. He is depressed, but he hides it. He doesn’t judge me, he does nothing of the sort. He showed me new ways of coping, though some of them weren’t the best.  
Hangovers became usual when I hung out with Jean.  
The problem with hanging out with Jean almost 24/7 was that I started falling for him. I didn’t mean to, it just kind of… happened. His beanies, his stupid undercut, the hair he SWEARS he doesn’t dye (despite his obvious roots)... I fell in love with all of it.  
Jean helped me through some of the toughest times, and I helped him through some of his. I’m glad we found each other, because I can say he would definitely not be here now if it wasn’t for the help I gave him.  
In the time that I spent with Jean, I learnt a very important lesson.

**Depression is like a war. You either win, or you die trying.**   
**And we were going to fight.**


	2. Meeting Jean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco meets his two room mates, and falls too quick.

“And through it all, the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets. When we’re gone we want you all to know, we’ll carry on.”  
-Welcome to the Black Parade, My Chemical Romance

**  
  
**

I was terrified.

I didn’t even think that I was going to be able to go to college, but when I found out that my father had already put money aside for me and my little brother Luke’s college education, I was ecstatic. ‘Yay, I’m going to college!’, ‘Yay, I can get a good job.’, ‘Yay, I can finally earn enough money so that our small family of three can eat 3 full meals each day.’

Yeah, welcome to my life.

So I got into my car, waving to my mom and Luke as I drove away, down the long road to Trost University. It would take me about 9 hours to get there, and it was 10 at night. I would arrive at about 7 in the morning, depending on traffic. It was a long drive, so I plugged in my iPod Nano, and started.

This was going to be one hell of a year.

\----------

It took me about half an hour to actually find the university after entering Trost, and an extra half hour to take my bags up to my dorm room on the ninth floor. It was a back and forth trip, since I had left my trolley at home. So I made 4 trips back and forth, carrying multiple bags, until finally I was finished. I was standing awkwardly outside Room 1, surrounded by luggage, and I had no idea what to do.

I was rooming with 2 other boys, and I didn’t know either of them. I had no idea what they were going to be like, or how far I would have to go to fit in with them, and not be too much of an outcast. I had spent years acting like the people around so that I didn’t stick out too much, and before I knew it, I had wasted 4 years of my life.

I didn’t even get a chance to run in the race, I missed the starting gun.

I knocked lightly three times on the door, and waited for a reply. Nothing.

Then it hit me. It was Friday, nobody would be arriving until tomorrow! It was 9am, so I would have almost a whole day to myself!

I opened the door, and pushed all of my bags in. Once they were all inside, I surveyed the scene. Long hallway, two doors on the right… and what looks like a turn to the right at the end. I went there first.

Once turning the corner, I entered a huge room. A large kitchen was to my right, and right ahead was what was supposed to be a lounge-room. There was already a U shaped sofa in the middle of the room, and a TV port with no TV against the wall on the far left. I walked to the kitchen, and saw there was another hallway right in the middle of the right wall. Entering, I saw three doors on each side, one leading to a small toilet, another leading to a spacious yet eerily empty bathroom, and another to the study. I walked into the study, and saw a desk with two bookshelves lined up against the back wall, and a TV cabinet opposite. I realized there was a massive space open against the right wall, so I decided to set up my keyboard.

I went back out to my luggage, and grabbed the stuff for my keyboard, and set it up. Then I got started on everything else.

\----------

By the time I had finished putting my things in the bathroom and setting up my consoles in the study, it was 1pm, and time to look towards my bedroom.

I walked back to the main corridor, and looked into each of the bedrooms. One had a huge king-sized bed in it, and the other had two separate singles. Any normal person would have taken the advantage of ‘first in first served’, but I didn’t agree with that. I decided to set up on the left side of the shared bedroom.

I set up my laptop and mini-microwave to start of with, plugging in lamps and charging cables, and setting up my iPod dock. Then it was time for the hard bit.

I stood back, and looked menacingly at the wall.

“You had better work, or I will break you.” I don’t normally speak to myself, but sometimes you have to say a warning out loud. My life depended on this wall agreeing with my plans for it.

I set up all of my posters on my bed to start off with, arranging them according to size. Then I started hanging them.

It took a good 2 hours to arrange them perfectly, so that they were overlapping in all the right places, and so that they all had an even amount of wall space. None of my bands were better than another.

I treat my band posters like children; they must all be treated as equals.

I sat down and marveled at my work. My Chemical Romance, Snow Patrol, Fall Out Boy, The Fray, The Killers… I had them all. I had finished everything, and there was nothing left to do but sit back and wait for my room mates.

\----------

The short guy arrived early the next morning.

I was sleeping soundly in my new bed, when the crashing came.

“BLOODY HELL WORK WITH ME.”

I slipped on some sweat pants, and ran out of the bedroom door. There was a short dude with a buzz cut stumbling down the hallway awkwardly, holding a huge HDTV. I ran and grabbed the other side, evening up the load. How on earth had he gotten this far?

“Hi! Connie! Help me get this little slut into the lounge room will you?”

And that was how I met my first room mate.

He took the other bedroom with the king-sized bed, saying something about a girl named Sasha, and I worked out that I’m going to be rooming with the other guy, who I am yet to meet. After he had moved all of his stuff in, and completed the set up of our dorm (save for the empty side of my room), we bonded… awkwardly.

“Uhm, my name’s Marco…”

“Cool.” PacMan ringed out from the gross speakers on his phone, leaving an awful ringing in my ears. Could he not at least make an effort to get to know me? “I’m Connie.”

“As I had heard…”

Connie laughed, and looked up at me. “Just got a message from Jean. He’s on his way.”

“Oh! Good!”

Please may this guy be more sociable than Connie please please please.

“He’s worried you’re gonna be a douche.”

Oh my god. “I’m gonna go and grab pizza for a late lunch, so if I’m not back for a while, that’s where I’ll be.”

“Okay! Bye!”

And with that I ran out of the dorm room, with a new goal. Make my room mate like me.

\----------

Choosing pizzas isn’t supposed to be this hard.

I was having a staring competition with the menu, and it was definitely winning. Why didn’t I think to ask Connie what type of pizza the other guy liked? I almost cried out of exasperation, and ended up ordering a huge meat-lovers pizza, because that is apparently the most loved. I was so worried that the other guy was a vegetarian though. So I ordered my personal favourite, the margherita, and hoped for the best.

I was drowning in a pool of my own sweat by the time I got back to the dorms, and had to do breathing exercises on the way up the elevators.

I stood outside the door to Room 1 for about two whole minutes, listening to two voices coming from within the depths of what would probably end up being my own personal hell. Eventually I plucked up the courage to knock.

I tried to keep my voice level when I spoke. “You in there?”

Dumb Marco, stupid Marco. Of course they’re in there! You’ve been listening to the talking. Ugh.

“Coming.” It was Connie, and I heard him making his way down the main hallway.

He opened the door, and I walked down the hallway, my footsteps heavy as I tried to get to the kitchen before I scalded my arms off from the heat coming from the pizza boxes.

I put the boxes down on the kitchen table, and looked down at the sofa. There was a head of blondish hair there, and he wasn’t facing me. Nor was he saying anything… oh dear.

“I’ll get plates.” Connie walked over to one of the cupboards, and grabbed three plates. His grip obviously wasn’t tight enough, as one of the plates slipped from his grasp and fell onto the floor. “Ow!”

“Do you need help?” It was the guy on the sofa, but he still wasn’t making a move. I ignored him for a second to help Connie.

“C’mon… get up.” I grabbed Connie’s hand and hoisted him up. “Dude how did you… doesn’t matter.” I shook my head, and picked up the plate from the floor, which was thankfully not damaged. “No, we’re fine!”

The guy on the couch muttered something under his breath. I sat up slowly, sliding the plate onto the table top, and reaching for the cutlery draw. I started searching through it, looking for a suitable knife. Finding one, I turned around.

I instantly noticed that the other guy was staring me down, looking immersed almost. I then noticed his bright amber eyes, his defined jaw-line, his cute under cut… he was hot.

And I was in danger.

“Oh, hi! I’m your other room mate. Thought I should get some pizza to introduce each other over.” Great Marco. 10 out of 10. 5 gold stars. You deserve an award. He looks so awkward, god help him.

“O-okay…” He sounded so unsure, but he was still staring at me. What, did I look bad? I thought I had chosen a nice outfit… the usual skinny jeans, t-shirt with plaid over it… wait. I might look like a cowboy. I sighed internally, and watched as the other guy shook his head quickly.

_I look like a goddamned cowboy._

I quickly made my way over to the couch, putting the pizza and plates on the small table in front of me. I pulled my shoes off, and sat down next to my new room mate.

“I didn’t know what type of pizza you liked, so I got the classic meat-lovers.”

Please be a meat lover, please be a meat lover.

“T-thank-you…”

“Awesome! I love meat-lovers!” Connie was overly enthusiastic, but I didn’t question when he took about a quarter of the pizza for himself. The boy with the under cut didn’t move a muscle.

“I don’t like meat-lovers, so I got some margherita as well, if you would prefer…”

“Oh my God. Yes please.” The boy dived into the pizza, and came back up with half a slice hanging out of his mouth. Thank goodness. I was so worried there for a second.

“Oh good!” I laughed lightly, and grabbed a piece for myself.

He was reaching in for another piece when he stopped and faced me. “Sorry… but what’s your name?”

Oh! Of course. He wouldn't know my name. Can’t expect Connie to tell him the basics, can I?

“Oh! My name’s Marco! Nice to meet you…” I stopped, waiting for him to fill in the blanks. I had already forgotten his name from the one time when Connie had said it.

“Umm… Jshaaaannnnn.” He really dragged the name out, and I guessed it was because it was hard to pronounce or something. Didn’t seem too hard.

“Nice to me you Jean!” The smile I got when I pronounced it correctly was almost breath-taking. This guy- Jean- obviously doesn’t smile too much. I suits him. He should do it more often.

“You too, Marco.”

Oh my God you can say my name whenever you want to that was beautiful thank you.

He’s pretty cute.

We talked for a little bit longer, me telling the two boys (who already knew each other really well, since they apparently went to the same high school) about Jinae.

“Nobody else is coming to Trost but me, so I’m starting from scratch here.”

“You can hang out with us?” Jean offered almost immediately, and not only did it surprise me, but it surprised Connie.

“Thank you!” I smiled, and Jean beamed back at me.

“It’s nothing, you seem like a pretty cool guy anyway.” Friendship achieved. High five Marco, you’re doing great. Don’t stuff it up now.

“Still, I have only just met you, and you already take me under your wing!”

That sounded stupid Marco, you are not in an Enid Blyton book, come back to the 21st century. Connie thankfully saved me by doing a stupid bird impression, and all thoughts of my previous statement were forgotten, hopefully for good.

“Just getting some refreshments!” I stood up and started making my way over to the fridge. The pizza had dried my throat, and I hadn’t had anything to drink today anyway.

“Oh, we haven’t actually got any food at the moment.”

I stopped in my tracks, and spun around to face Jean and Connie. No food. NO FOOD.

“WHAT. WE NEED FOOD. GUYS. THIS IS IMPORTANT.”

I couldn’t believe what had just come out of my mouth, and I slapped my hands over my lips, as if that would help taking back the stupid words that had just flown out of my mouth.

Jean looked at me, and smiled. “Oh my God. Okay, I’ll go to the shops and grab some stuff. Geez Marco… infatuated much?” He laughed, and I could believe that he wasn’t making fun of me, instead just joking around. Jean is unbelievable. You never know what to expect.

“Oh… no- I just- we need to… I’ll come.” I was stuttering like an idiot, but Jean seemed to get the idea.

Jean smiled and said to get my things together, which I did quickly. We were about to run out of the door when Connie yelled out from the lounge room.

“Don’t come back until six! Sasha’s arriving at 4 and I haven’t seen her in a fortnight! We have stuff to do!”

“Oh, do we-” I stopped and realized where he was going with that statement. Sasha must be his girlfriend… and if she had things to do with Connie… that could easily mean… “OH! OH OKAY!”

Jean looked sheepish, and we made our way out to the corridors and onto the elevator without saying a word. Until Jean spoke up that is.

“Sorry about him. Connie and Sasha have been together for 4 years… they have been everywhere and done everything. I’ll try and make sure they keep it confined…”

“No, it’s fine. If he is close with his girlfriend, then we should let them be. We’ll just have to spend some time away from the dorms…”

“Wait, do you have a girlfriend?”

Marcobodt.exe is not responding. Exit?

No I don’t have a girlfriend, and I probably never will have a girlfriend, due to the fact that I like guys. I am a raging homosexual. I like dicks over chicks.

I am gay.

Oh dear.

“No…”

“Oh, okay.”

“Do you?” The question came out before I could stop it, and I had to make sure that my tone didn’t sound too hopeful. I didn’t quite understand why I was hoping Jean was single… I would go over it later.

“Nope.”

Doesn’t sound too happy about that fact either. I, on the other hand, am ecstatic.

“Sounds like we will be spending some time together I guess.” Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!

“Yep! Seems like fun! Now let’s go get enough food to feed a huge family for year, that will probably only last us a few days!”

Wow, he eats just like me.

I laughed, and grinned back at him. “Let’s do this!”

\----------

Finally I was free from my parents reins. I could do anything I wanted, and they would have no say over it. I was out of home, and I could do anything I wanted. I could get a tattoo, and I wouldn’t even need an ‘okay’ from my mom. So, I did the thing I have been wanting to do ever since driving out of Jinae.

“Okay! We need to get ice-cream, chocolate, jelly, candy…”

Jean laughed lightly. “Woah… calm down there. Let’s get the things we actually need to survive first.” He walked in the opposite direction of the chocolates aisle, and I sighed internally. Jean is one of the goody goody teenagers isn’t he.

“Marco, please tell me you like coffee?”

“Like is a serious understatement.”

“Perfect.”

Jean, a goody goody teenager? I was so wrong.

Our trolley was stuffed full of every kind of unhealthy food by the time that we reached the candy aisle. I was practically bouncing on my heels by the time that we reached the start.

I skipped down the aisle, grabbing all of my favourite candy types. Candy Bananas, boiled sweets, Jaffas, Minties, Sprinkles, Sherbert… and oh, the Red Skins. My pretties, come to daddy.

I stuffed them all into the trolley, and noticed Jean was watching me with this idiot smile plastered on his face. He shook his head suddenly, and looked at the racks beside him. He grabbed a packet of something, and put it in the trolley with a smug smile on his face.

I picked up the packet, and turned it around in my hands. “What are these?” When I saw the label, it felt like I had lost all my faith in humanity. I slapped my hands protectively over my cheeks.

“'Freckles?' Really?”

I can’t believe I had let myself instantly trust Jean. I thought he wouldn’t make cruel jokes about my freckles. I could do nothing about them, there are going to be there for life. There’s nothing I can do about their presence.

Jean laughed, and I scowled. “Don’t do that! They suit you!”

I lowered my hands cautiously. “You think?”

“Yeah!”

“Thanks…”

So Jean liked them. I blushed a little bit, and turned away quickly, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Nobody had complimented me on my freckles before.

We eventually made it to the checkouts, and I instinctively took out my wallet.

“Woah. No way dude. You’ve already bought us pizza. I’m paying for this lot.”

Nuh uh. No way, no how. I looked at the piles of food in the trolley, and estimated that it cost at least one hundred and fifty dollars. Jean is not paying for this.

“That was only $20 though! This is going to cost, like, a hundred dollars.”

“Don’t worry.”

“No! I would rather sell up half my body than make you pay for this!”

“Nope.”

Jean was being annoyingly stubborn, and it wasn’t making my mood any better. I sighed, and watched as the cashier continued to pack up our items. I lifted up the bags, and put them into the trolley. After loading the last bag in, I looked up at the cost and froze. $213.45.

I noticed Jean in my peripheral vision, and realized he must be paying for it. I lifted my hand up to stop him, but was shocked when he handed a CENTURION CARD to the cashier. A CENTURION CARD. I didn’t think Jean was rich!

“WHAT.”

“Told you I had it covered.” Jean looked over at me, and smirked. You sassy little…

We made our way to the car park silently, and my mind was having trouble understanding that Jean owned a Centurion card. He either stole it, or was freakishly rich. Both of those options scared me, in very different ways.

I decided to ask.

“How did you get hold of a black card?”

“Uhh… how do I explain this… my family owns a company…”

Rich.

“What’s your last name?” I knew the names of most of the biggest and richest families in Maria city, but mainly Trost. I might know Jean already!

“Kirschtein.”

Holy Mother Teresa on the hood of a Mercedes Benz.

“Oh my freaking God. You live in that huge estate in uptown Trost don’t you!”

Jean started shuffling around awkwardly, and then took a huge breath. “Uhm. Yes. But please don’t think I’m a spoiled brat or anything… like I don’t even like being rich… my parents hate me… I had no one to talk to when I was in high-school because I was rich… I was just one of those idiot jocks… but I’m trying to be better now… I’m turning a new leaf… please don’t hate me.”

In that moment, I realized something about Jean. He was really insecure. He was worried that people would instantly judge him based on his family. “Why would I hate you? I only just met you! I can’t judge you on how rich you are, or where you live, or your parents. I will judge you on you.”

He looked at me, surprised almost, and smiled a small smile. I grinned back at him. “And, just for confirmation, you’re doing pretty well so far.” Jean smiled, and blushed. Oh my God, I made Jean blush. I grinned even wider.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Actually, I do. I made you blush.” It came out before I could stop it, but the reaction I got back made it totally worth the slip. He shook his head, and wiped the dopey smile of his face. He quickly turned around and hid his face from my view. Jean’s a little bit cute. But only a little bit.

Once we were settled in my car, me driving and Jean beside me, he looked over at me. “We have to go back to the dorm and put the shopping away. I don’t care what Connie said, I don’t want to deal with sour milk and melted ice-cream.”

“Agreed. Let’s go back and hope she hasn’t arrived yet.”

“Okay.”

\----------

“Are you ready?”

Is Jean seriously asking me if I am ready to possibly walk in on my roommate who I have known for only a few hours having sex with his girlfriend? Answer, no. No I am most definitely not.

“Ready.” Idiot, idiot, idiot!

Jean smirked at me, as if he could read my internal monologue clearly. “You don’t look it.”

“Can we just get this over and done with please?”

“Okay.” Jean nodded, and his expression showed me that he was just as nervous. “3… 2… 1… go!”

We ran in, tripping over all of the food, and finally got to the kitchen. Once we had set all of the bags down, I looked over at Jean, who had gone into meerkat mode and was sticking his head up and down, surveying the scene. When Connie’s voice echoed around the room, he practically jumped out of his shoes.

“What are you guys doing back so early?” There was sound, almost like saliva sloshing around...

I took no chances. “OH MY GOD IF YOU ARE DOING ANYTHING WITH SASHA RIGHT NOW WE ARE SO SORRY.”

Connie’s head appeared over the edge of the house, and he was sporting a bemused grin. He chewed slightly at some bubblegum. “What? Dude. I sent you a text saying that Sasha was caught in traffic and would be back a bit late. I welcomed you back, but I still didn’t think you would be back before 5.”

I sighed, and then got to action. I reached behind me, and grabbed a set of plastic bags containing all of my necessities; chocolate, soda, candy… I had this all planned out.

I made my way down the hallway, and opened the door to me and Jean’s bedroom. I pulled out my containers from under my bed, and started sorting out the candy. I spilled the contents of all of the plastic bags over my bed, and then the door opened and closed again quickly. Jean appeared above me.

“What did you take?”

“Everything important.” I smirked to myself, and pointed at the food spread across my bed sheets.

“Oh my God Connie’s gonna kill you.”

“He won’t find out.” I was so proud of myself, and I emptied the boiled sweets, Minties and Red-Skins into jar, and the remaining sweets went into a plastic container. I put the jar full of lollies under my bed. “I need my stash. You are welcome to it whenever you want.” But god forbid I find that you have taken all of my beautiful Red-Skins…

I got up and put the chocolate milk, soda and chocolate into Jean’s mini-fridge which he had brought from home. “Thanks for the fridge by the way. Also, this container is for my car. You are also welcome to it.” I motioned towards the container I had filled with the Candy Bananas and Jaffas.

Jean started laughing crazily, and I was almost worried that it would attract Connie’s attention. I quickly disposed of all evidence, and waited for him to stop.

“Sorry, I would have stolen the ice-cream as well, but we don’t have a mini-freezer.”

Jean was quiet, but then suddenly his face spread into a huge grin. “You are the greatest roommate anyone could ever hope for.”

\----------

Jean was groaning about how Connie had kicked us out, and he showed no sign of stopping. Once Connie kicked us out, Jean and I took the chance to get the candy down to my car, and then Jean decided that we could go to Starbucks to kill some time.

Once we had ordered, we picked a booth.

“Let’s learn some more about each other.”

“Okay, but I’m not that interesting really…” I couldn’t believe that Jean still wanted to hang out with me… I mean, he had seen my food cravings, how awkward I could be… and yet he still wanted to hang out with me.

“That’s not true.” Jean sighed, and looked as if he was trying to find somewhere to start. “I’m guessing you play piano.”

What? “How’d you know?”

“I don’t know… it might have had something to do with the big ass keyboard in the study room.”

“Oh… I’m sorry… do you not want it there?”

“What… no dude it’s fine! I’m just saying that you’re gonna have to play me something.”

“O-oh… okay.” I get really nervous… and I can’t stuff up in front of Jean...

“Do you play any other instruments?”

“Well… I used to play clarinet… but I gave up for the sake of people's ears.” I shuddered.

“Come on, it couldn’t have been that bad.” It was. It really was.

“You don’t even know.”

“But do you play anything else?”

“I can sing… but that doesn’t really-”

“YOU CAN SING?”

Well then, Jean is easily impressed. I couldn’t sing very well though, people at my old school always told me to shut up when I was singing outside of music lessons.

He opened his mouth as if he was going to say another thing, but he looked around him and shut his mouth quickly. Weird.

“Well, yeah… but I’m not that good. What do you do?”

“I paint, sketch, draw… yeah, you get the gist.” I’m going to make him draw me. I’m gonna. I don’t care what he says, he will be drawing me. “But I also act.”

Wait. “Are you studying Drama?”

“Yeah.”

I nearly imploded. “Me too!”

“What class are you in?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, and remembered what the roster had said. “2:05pm with… Professor Levi.” Please be in the same class as me.

“Me too! YES!”

Not only was he in the same class as me, but he was excited about it! “This is going to be a great year.” I grinned at him, and he beamed back.

We decided to leave Starbucks, as it was getting too loud and crowded, and I decided to take Jean to some parks I had seen when driving through Trost. They were just across the road, so I would take more than a few minutes to get there. Deciding to spend the next half hour there, we picked up our Starbucks, and left the loud cafe.

\----------

The gardens reminded me of one of the Japanese Gardens that I went to when I was a little kid back in Jinae. Sakura trees lined the edges of the garden, dusting the ground with autumn leaves, and leaving small bits of bright green grass bursting out every now and then. I couldn’t believe the beauty of the place, but what surprised me even more was Jean’s reaction.

It was quite obvious that he had never been here before, and the sparkle in his eyes made me smile. He was looking around, his jaw-dropping, and muttering ‘woah’ under his breath.

“Want to go rest over there?” I pointed towards an isolated little hut with benches underneath it towards the middle of the gardens. Jean agreed and we walked over there, not saying a single word. I watched Jean carefully, wanting to memorize this look on him. A gust of wind blew, and leaves fell from the trees and started getting caught in my hair. Jean watched, smiling a weird smile, and I carefully removed them.

Eventually we got the the bench, and which point we sat down and it was quiet. I looked up at the sky, enjoying the peace and serenity of the surroundings, and how therapeutic it was just sitting there silently. But the thing I enjoyed most was noticing Jean staring at me with a dopey look on his face in my peripheral vision. I couldn’t help but smile when he shook out of it and turned away quickly. What a dork, but a cute dork at that.

\----------

“Ugh.” Jean’s groan broke the silence, and I looked over at him. He was looking down at his phone, giving it a death glare.

“What’s wrong?”

“Connie’s asking us to come home with dinner. And Sasha’s staying for dinner as well.” You could hear the malice lacing through his voice.

“Damn, guess we’d better leave then.”

“Yeah.” He sighed dramatically, and I continued. “Let’s just get McDonalds. They can sue us for being lazy later.”

“Agreed.”

\----------

“Oh my God.”

Jean and I had only just returned to the dorm room, and we were greeted with Connie, and who I had to assume was Sasha, eating one of the most unhealthy meals I had ever seen... chocolate dipped in ice-cream. How could they possibly eat that… without me.

“Connie I cannot believe you.”

“It was my idea.” Sasha looked over, and grinned wildly.

“Oh-oh of course it was.” I walked over the the coffee table, and tore the ice cream and chocolate out of Sasha’s hands, instead giving her the McDonalds, which was filled with grossly salted fries and God’s greatest creation, chicken nuggets. She opened up the bag and instantly stuffed a handful in her mouth. Jean groaned, and I walked into the kitchen and put the ice cream and chocolate away, not before scooping a heap of both into my mouth and then destroying all evidence of that ever happening. I walked back out to the sofas, and Jean eyed me suspiciously. I smiled, and he took a deep breath.

“Let’s start eating before Sasha completely inhales it on her own.”

\----------

“I’m gonna have a food baby. Somebody call 911.”

I was curled up in a Marcorrito (as Jean had called it earlier that night) and my stomach was screaming in protest of the huge packet of chicken nuggets I had eaten. It wasn’t the greatest of plans, looking back on it, but it wasn’t going to get eaten if I didn't do it. Even food junkie Sasha couldn’t stand the thought of them.

“You want to go to bed and sleep it off?” Jean was standing above me, looking slightly worried. He had already stated that he was crashing, and it didn’t seem like such a bad idea.

“Yes.”

“Come on, get up. I’m not carrying you.”

I made a series of what could be considered inhuman noises, or the sound of two whales getting it on. We managed to make it back to the bedroom, and I jumped straight for my bed, where I continued to break into a fit of laughter as my bed made a sound that could only be described as pain. When Jean did the same, and received the same complaints from his bed frame, we were both lost in laughter.

“Dude, if you don’t stop laughing I will actually have to call 911.”

I laughed even harder, and he grabbed his clothes and made a run for it. Once I stopped I crawled my way over to my desk where I opened up my laptop to check Facebook. Without even realizing what I was doing, I searched up ‘Jean Kirschtein’ in the top bar. Instantly a profile came up, and the profile picture was definitely of Jean. You could only just tell though, if you could look past the awful gang sign, flat cap, and spilled drink all down the front of his shirt. It screamed drunk from every angle, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

I clicked the friend request button, and went back to scrolling through my feed. A little while later, Jean turned up again and took his place to my left on his laptop.

“Hey dude, it this you or just some crazy stalker?”

I consider the question, and then answered. “Both.”

“Oh my God.”

I heard the ding of my accepted friend request, when suddenly I remembered that he could now see my profile, and everything really. I opened up PhotoBooth, and instantly started taking multitudes of selfies, waiting to snap one with the perfect lighting, angle, expression…

“Are you okay?” Jean was looking at me, with a mixture of worried and judgement plastered on his face.

“W-what? I’m fine… w-why?”

“You look constipated.”

Oh, well that's good to know. Wouldn’t want to have a picture of me looking constipated on my profile. “Oh… umm…”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to take a new profile picture.” I was ashamed and embarrassed, and was about to close down PhotoBooth, but Jean appeared to have other ideas.

“Here… just do this…”

He poked my neck, and I instantly flinched. I heard the click of him taking a photo, and quickly opened my eyes.

“Oh my God.” Before me was a picture of Jean being a (cute, adorable, beautiful… shut up brain) weirdo, poking his tongue out and winking, and me grinning and closing my eyes. I laughed, and Jean was looking very proud of himself.

Jean walked back to his laptop, and I took no time uploading my new profile picture, and captioning it ‘Trost’s Next Top Models’. I looked over at Jean, and laughed when he fell out of his chair and rolled around on the floor, clutching his stomach.

“Come on, time for you to change your profile picture!”

“What? Mine is fine the way it is though!”

“Really?” I opened up his profile, and then looked over at him pointedly. His expression changed from questioning to horrified in the matter of milliseconds, and I had to hold back my laugh.

“Oh. My. Freaking. Lord.” The laughter poured out of my mouth in torrents, and I didn’t refrain from pulling a gang sign, pouting, and looking a drunk as possible. He gave me a look of pure disgust, and marched over to his laptop. “Okay. Let’s change this.”

\----------

**‘Hanging with the bae’**

 

“‘Hanging with the bae’? Are you serious right now?” I was laughing really hard, and Jean was looking like he had just successfully defeated a dragon with one hand.

Jean had just uploaded his new profile picture, and it was us back to back with finger guns, and sticking our tongues out.

“YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS!” Connie was yelling from the lounge room, and I looked at my laptop screen as the profile picture gained a like, from none other than Connie Springer.

I walked back over and clicked the like button myself, and then watched as the likes count started going up quickly, and names I had never heard before came up on the screen. Armin Arlert, Reiner Braun, Mikasa Ackerman, Annie Leonhardt, Bertholdt Hoover. I had to guest that these were all of Jean’s friends. Another like turned up, and our first comment. Eren Jaeger…

**“HA GAYYYYY”**

I started typing up another comment, and just as Jean was telling me not to worry, I hit enter and grinned evilly.

**“You don’t even know. ;)”**

“Oh my God, Marco.”

“Wait, it gets better.”

I clicked the camera option in the comment box, and added a picture of me and Jean pulling sexy faces at the screen. I hit enter without thinking twice, and laughed as Jean’s face turned into fear. Connie's laughing could be heard loudly from the lounge, and Jean turned to me.

“He’s going to try and up us.”

“He won’t win.”

A picture turned up in the comments, posted by Eren himself. It was a scary looking asian girl, an excited looking blonde boy, and a brown hair kid with the greenest eyes. He had a triumphant look in his eye, and I decided to hazard a guess that that was Eren.

 

**“You won’t beat us Jean.”**

Jean turned to me, looking like he was ready to commit mass homicide. He screamed out to Connie in the main room.

“Connie! Call Sasha.”

\----------

“OhmygodI’mgonna-”

Sasha fell of my back, and landed in a heap on the floor, laughing loudly. Connie jumped down off Jean’s back, Sasha's skirt which he was wearing floating up enough to see his cargo pants underneath. Jean was sitting back, chewing on the biscuit he had in his mouth, and removing the pan from his head. I did the same, and bit down happily into the biscuit that was in my mouth. Connie pulled the laptop off the coffee table, and opened up the most recent photo. It was timed perfectly, Connie doing the lightning bolt pose whilst wearing Sasha’s skirt on Jean’s back, and Sasha flailing mid air, falling off my back. Jean and I looked hilarious, we both had pans on our head and a biscuit in our mouth, except Jean was crossing his eyes, and my eyes were open really wide, fearful of the fact that Sasha was toppling.

Jean quickly uploaded the photo to the comments section of his profile picture, scrolling past Eren’s most recent selfie. I had worked out it was Mikasa and Armin in his selfies, apparently they were close knit friends who never left each others side. Eren's most recent contribution the photo war was his with his mouth full of whipped cream whilst staring into the laptop, and Armin twerking in the background. Mikasa had left long ago, thinking that this was getting too crazy. She continued to like the funny photos in the comment box though.

\----------

**“You win tonight Kirschtein, but next time I will have my revenge.”**

**“Step on a lego, Jaeger.”**

I looked over at Jean, laughing silently at his comeback. “Ooh, harsh.”

He grinned back at me, and we both quietly shut our laptops and set them down, crawling into bed. I looked up at the ceiling, and thought about the amazing day I had had with Jean, and how he was so nice to me, and accepting. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was going to continue.

“Thanks for today Jean. It was really good spending time with you, and Connie and Sasha. I’m really glad that I have a friend already.”

“Marco, it’s fine. Believe me, if you ever need friends, I’m right here. I’m really glad that you are my roommate, and not some freak. But… to be honest… I’m seriously wondering what your ulterior motives are. You can’t be this nice, and not want something from me.”

I laughed, and decided to go all sappy on him. “Damnit, you have me there. I do want something from you.”

“What?” He looked surprised, and I had to refrain from laughing, in case it ruined the moment.

“Friendship.”

“Dude, you got that. But I want something as well.”

“Mmmhmmm?” I turned over to looked at him through the darkness in the room.

“Sleep.”

“Oh. Goodnight.” I laughed quietly, and shuffled around in bed until I was comfortable.

“Goodnight.”

I watched as he slowly descended into sleep, and smiled when my eyes adjusted properly to the darkness, and could see a small, peaceful smile resting on his lips.

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you start liking someone, and it feels like all common sense is leaving your body?

Turns out common sense ain’t all that common for me anymore.

 

**\----------**

 

i have a [tumblr](freckledjeankirschtein.tumblr.com)

[JEAN'S POV](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2381780/chapters/5262092) (11 chapters in)

tracking these tags: #freckledjeankirschtein (personal tag) #fanficopenyoureyes (for jean's pov) #fanficeyesopen (for marco's pov) #fanfictheotherside (for full series)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> duuuuude  
> this chapter was screwing with me i swear. it just wanted to watch the world BURN  
> i have been complaining about this chapter quite a bit, annoying most of my friends (sorry tash i don't mean it i swear) and i am just really sorry wow  
> hopefully next chapter will be up sooner!!!  
> anyway, in the meantime, i have a HUGE DECEMBER CHALLENGE STARTING TOMORROW WOOOOO  
> i will be posting up little fanfic shorts of famous snk otps, and what they would do if they were in the situation of the First Kiss video on youtube (search it up, its great)  
> it will be starting on december 1st, and a new otp will be posted every second day. after the challenge if finished, i will be taking asks in on my tumblr account, for if you want any other ships that weren't done previously!!!  
> hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and it would be the greatest thing in the world for me if you could leave kudos and comments, or even subscribe if you are really dedicated hehe ;3  
> all the best!! xx


	3. Beautiful People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Marco meet the people on their floor, and then go swimming, eating, and to the movies. Oh, and there's a fight. And a heart-to-heart. And nerdy karate moves.  
> Marco realises all at once, that he is utterly screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM BACK BABY

“Tell me your secrets, ask me your questions, oh lets go back to the start.”

-The Scientist, Coldplay

Jean was staring at me, smiling softly, and I tried to appear as a morning person, as apparently they are ‘attractive’.

“Murnhingh.”

_Nailed it._

I looked around, trying to find my phone which was belting out my alarm. I held back from singing; I didn’t even know if Jean liked this song, and I didn’t want to go belt out Thnks fr th Mmrs if Jean didn’t even like the song. I had to make a good impression, even if he had known me for a while now. It is very important to not act weird around the person who is going to be your roommate for the next year, especially if you are gay and he is hot. And nice. And funny.

I’m kind of digging myself a deeper hole aren’t I?

“Marco, is that Fall Out Boy?”

Oh thank god he at least knows the bands name. I guess its a start.

“Yeah… do you like this song?”

Jean grinned. “Like is a serious understatement.”

I couldn’t believe he quoted me, but I also couldn’t believe that he just remembered something simple I had said from yesterday. Sure, it was probably nothing, but a small step is still a step.

Jean jumped out of bed with more energy than should be allowed at 10 in morning. He ran over to my bed, and ripped the covers off my head, grabbing my wrists and pulling me out of bed. He spun me around, and then started jumping like he was at a rave club. It wasn’t long before I got my energy and danced around with him, screaming the lyrics to Thnks fr th Mmrs at the top of my lungs, until Connie started screaming threats about eating all of our PopTarts, which I was not going to allow.

I grabbed the first pieces of clothing I could find, an old red button up my mum used to make me wear when we went out to dinner, and a pair of old black skinny jeans. I apparently looked okay in them, so they were always the go-to for clothing.

I went down the hallway and got dressed in the echoey bathroom, and sat in front of the mirror tousling up my hair for what felt like hours.

I finished up eventually, and started making my way back down the hall to me and Jean’s shared bedroom. I opened up the door a little bit, and saw Jean pulling a beanie out of one of his draws, and shoving it on his head. He turned around, and I quickly spun around as well to give the impression that, no, I was not watching him, I am not gay, you are not hot. I did not just lie. What are you talking about.

As I spun around, I noticed a white envelope sitting abandoned at our doorway. I picked it up, and cleared my throat. “We have mail.” I turned around and noticed Jean standing behind me, looking slightly puzzled.

Connie’s voice rang out from the kitchen. “Mail? Are we really that popular?”

I gave Jean the note and walked into our bedroom to put my pyjamas away. Once I had stuffed them haphazardly under my pillow, I made my way down the hallway. There was a ripping sound, and then a groan from Connie. “Hey, who said it was addressed to you, Jean?”

I held in my laughter, and walked into the room. “It is addressed to all of us.” I sat down next to Jean on the couch, Connie leaning over the back and looking at the open letter in Jean’s hands.

**  
  
**

 

Hello everyone on Floor 9,

My name is Armin, and I am asking if you would all like to meet in the main corridor of Floor 9 at 11:00am, so that we can all meet each other, and get to know other people. If you are free, please attend (there will be free food).

Thank you for your time!

\--

Armin Arlert

Room 2, Floor 9

**  
  
**

 

Only two things really stuck out to me on that page. First of all the name, Armin Arlert. His name was in the comments section during the photo war. The second thing that stuck out was the promise of free food. There, it was decided. I was totally in for this.

Connie gasped, and jumped over the couch landing beside Jean, who groaned. “No way! Armin’s next door? I wonder who he’s rooming with?”

“Isn’t Armin one of the people that was in the photo war last night?”

Jean turned over to answer my question. “Yeah, he was one of our… um… ‘friends’ at high school.” There was hesitation in his voice, and I was questioning why Jean was putting so much emphasis on the word ‘friends’. I decided to ask him later, maybe bring it up in conversation.

I took a breath in, and cleared any thoughts about Jean’s past from my mind. Focus on current events. “Oh okay! What’s the time?”

Jean looked down at his watch, and his jaw dropped. “10:50am! Guys we need to get out there now!”

Connie was out of the room in a flash, hopefully to get dressed. I shuddered slightly, and looked over at Jean. I noticed his beanie, ‘BAD HAIR DAY’... it was really cute, and totally applied to him. “Nice beanie!”

“Thanks! It’s one of my favourites! I love beanies, they always cover up this hair-” He pointed at his undercut “-and that is definitely for the best. When I saw this in the shops I decided it was made to sit on head.”

I laughed. Jean seemed like the type of person that would see something in a window shop, and mentally claim it as his own. Jean got up, and I moved to follow him. He made his way to the kitchen, and as he turned I saw his shirt… which had the album art of Snow Patrol on it.

“Is that a Snow Patrol t-shirt?” Wow, nice Marco. Point out the blatantly obvious why don’t you.

“Uh… yeah.” Good job Marco, you’ve made him all awkward. You have failed at life. Redeem yourself.

“Oh my God they are one of my favourite bands!”

“Really!?” Jean sounded like he couldn’t believe it, had he not seen all of the posters I had up on my wall?

“Yeah!”

Jean laughed, and went towards the fridge. I watched silently, leaning against the back of the sofa. He was wearing black skinny jeans along with his band shirt, and it looked… well… amazing. The beanie just completed the looked. I said it without thinking.

“Hipster looks good on you.”

What happened next was definitely not what I was expecting. I thought he would make some joke, like ‘haha no-homo though right’ and then continue with his life. But apparently not. He turned around to look at me, but quickly turned back to stuff his face inside the fridge. Was he going red?

A hesitant voice came from with in the depths of the fridge. “You don’t look so bad yourself!”

His voice was so wobbly and strained, as if he was scared he would sound gay by complimenting me. The whole situation was hilarious from my point of view. I laughed, and replied with a simple, “Thanks!”

Connie must have sensed the sexual tension, as he came crashing into the room. “COME ON GUYS! WE NEED TO GO!”

The sheer ferocity of his words resulting in Jean slamming his head inside the fridge, and Connie and I were too busy laughing to help him.

\----------

We walked out into the corridor, and were greeted by quite a crowd. I looked over at Jean and Connie, and realised the situation I was in. Jean and Connie were going to see all of their old friends… and would therefore leave me behind grasping at straws as I tried and failed to make friends.

The first person that came over to us came in the form of a significantly shorter and less buff version of he-man. He looked really familar. Like I had seen him before. “JEAN!!!”

The blonde guy wrapped his arms around Jean’s neck in something that resembled a strangle hold, and they stayed wrapped around as Jean replied. “H-hey Armin, good to see you again buddy.” He laughed, and hugged back, until the blond haired guy (whose name was apparently Armin) chose Connie as his next victim.

“Connie! Great to see you again!”

They exchanged a warm welcome, in the form of a tornado spin hug, whilst I rocked back and forth on my heels, watching the whole exchange awkwardly. I noticed Jean shoot me a apologizing look, until Armin turned to face me.

“Hello! My name is Armin Arlert! I am your neighbour, and old acquaintances with your friend Jean here. What’s your name?” He offered me his hand, and I shook it as I replied quietly.

“Marco… nice to meet you too Armin.” I smiled, and Jean grinned and gave me the thumbs up from behind Armin. He made a pointing motion towards another group of people, and I was left to talk with Armin.

“So, you went to school with Jean apparently?”

“Yes! He was really nice, but… well, reserved. We didn’t know that much about him, but he was always hosting parties and offering us free booze.”

I was somewhat confused, this sounded nothing like Jean. He seemed like more of a quiet, lone wolf or something… reserved, that’s what Armin had said. Jean didn’t seem like the type of person who would host huge parties. I put it in the box in the back of my mind, something to work on when the time was right.

“Wow! Jean doesn’t seem like the type. Don’t tell me he played pop music as well?”

“Oh, so you’ve worked out how much of a hipster Jean is? Yes, he does love his Snow Patrol and Fall Out Boy. I can’t blame him, they aren’t that bad. But hipster is always a cute quality in guys. I always go for the ones with beanies.”

So Armin was gay. That explained a lot.

“Yeah me too, when Jean walked out in that beanie this morning I almost had a heart attack.” It was out of my mouth before I could take it back, and I simply turned red and smiled sheepishly.

“Oh, so you swing that way as well! Yes, I prefer boys too. Does Jean know?”

“Oh god no! Please don’t tell anyone… I was hoping to keep it a secret.”

“Okay, I promise. Just, maybe you should tell Jean. He is one of your best friends here so far right?”

“I can’t tell Jean.”

“Why not?”

I looked up from the ground, and took a deep breath in, and let it out again. Armin’s eyes widened, and he stood up taller.

“Oh, honey.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, best of luck. If you need any help, please just tell me. I don’t know about Jean’s preferences, but I wish you all the best. Oh! If you play piano, try Mozart. Boys like Jean are a sucker for Mozart, if you know what I mean.”

I laughed, Armin seemed like somebody I could trust.

“Hey, I need to go and introduce myself to them… I’ll catch up with you later!”

“Yep!” I forgot to ask him if I knew him from somewhere… he was so familiar! Armin wandered off, and I turned around to look for Jean. He was conversing with a darker haired guy, with crazy green eyes. He looked like the type of person that would root for a football team, and by root… I mean root. He also looked strangely familiar...

I walked up behind Jean, and tapped his shoulder. He grinned at me, and spun around to introduce me to his green eyed friend.

“Marco, this is Eren. Eren, Marco.” We shook hands, and I smiled politely at him. I still couldn’t pick out where I knew him from. Eren then looked between me and Jean, narrowing his eyes.

“Isn’t this the dude in your Facebook profile picture?” Facebook profile picture? Did I meet him over-

“Oh, yeah. Marco took part in the photo war last night.” THAT’S WHY ARMIN AND EREN LOOKED SO FAMILIAR. I mentally slapped myself… I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten already.

“How long have you guys known each other?” I could see what was coming. I thought that I should make it clear that we had only just meet.

“Not even a day!” I sounded proud, but I was okay with that. It normally took me so much longer to warm up to people, and it was a miracle that me and Jean were already this close.

“Woah… you guys look pretty close, huh?” On point. I smiled to myself.

“Oh, yeah, I had no friends here, so Jean said I could hang out with him and Connie throughout the year.”

Eren grinned. “Okay then. Welcome to the island of misfit toys! There’s no going back from here on out! Just wait until you meet Reiner and Bertl-”

A voice rang out from right beside me. “What about me?”

I jumped, and spun to face a huge blond man who could have passed as a wrestler, and a tall guy who was sweating buckets. They were holding hands too. Just how many gay friends did Jean have?

The blond man spoke up, in a loud bellowing voice that should have been given to sports commentator. “Hello! You must be Marco! Armin told us about you! Apparently you have chosen to be friends with Jean… you thinking of reconsidering?” He grinned mischievously, and Jean glared back at him.

“Dude, I swear to God, all I ask for… ALL I ASK FOR… is one friend.” He was very protective over his friends. “And you leave Marco alone.” Okay, me.

A small part of me glowed, just knowing that Jean cared.

“Calm down! How you doing Marco? My name is Reiner and this is Bertl!” The blond man, now identified as Reiner, pointed at the huge guy next to him, Bertl.

Suddenly, I had met a huge array of people. Mikasa, who was very tight with Armin and Eren, and also very pretty. Eren told me that Jean used to like her. So Jean was straight… or bi. Sexuality is so confusing. I also met Annie, whom I decided never ever to mess with. Ever. Ymir and Christa showed up, attached at the hip and constantly giving Reiner and Bertl a run for their money on the PDA scale. It had gotten to the point when I was surprised when people were straight. Ymir was loud and funny, but petite little Christa was an absolute angel. The conversation was running surprisingly comfortably, when Ymir got our attention with a shout.

“Hey! Jean, Marco! You wanna come to my dorm party on Saturday? It’s me and Christa’s 4 year anniversary and we decided to hold a party!”

Jean replied quickly. “Yeah! That sounds good! You interested?”

“Y-yeah… that sounds… great… yep.”

The truth was that I never been to a party before, much less drank, or taken shots. Heck… I was still a virgin! Kissing was foreign to me!

Jean sensed my hesitation. “O-okay. You don’t have to go if you d-”

“No! No, it’s fine I’ll come!” I didn’t wanted to be a quitter, and I had meant to free up a little bit. I was in college. That meant parties. That meant taking shots. That meant getting drunk. That meant kissing… that meant sex.

“Ymir! Marco’s coming as well! We’ll see you then!”

Jean and I decided to head back, but we were held up by the inseparable trio… also know as Mikasa, Eren and Armin.

Eren grabbed our attention before we had the chance to slip away. “Meet us at the public pool at 1! We’re having a get together with the rest of the gang!”

“Yep! We’ll see you there! Bye!”

We fell back into our dorm, and laid back against opposite walls. Jean was giving me a look, as if telling me to spill my guts, but I just stared back at him.

Thankfully, he broke the silence first. “Are you okay? You looked really nervous when we were invited to Ymir and Christa’s. What’s wrong?”

“I’ve never been to a party before.”

“Woah. It’s fine! I’ll look over you, and make sure everything’s okay. If anything happens, I’ll be there to stop it!”

“Thanks Jean.” I smiled at him, when I realized he was completely serious. He was here to help. I laughed to ease the nervous tension. “I’m definitely not reconsidering this friendship.”

“Good! ‘Cause neither am I! Looks as if you need someone to watch over you anyway!”

We entered the main room, and sat down to relax after we had made ourselves coffee. I need it. Supplement for after stressful social activities. It was vital to my health and well being. I scrolled through my Tumblr, not really reading the text posts or taking in any of the gifsets. I was too busy thinking about Jean’s friends.

It was good to know that he was comfortable hanging out with those types of people, because it gave me a confidence boost as far as coming out to him. I decided to break the ice that had fallen between us as soon as we sat down to scroll.

“There was something I noticed, when I was hanging out with all your old friends. You have a huge range of friends.”

He looked up from his screen, giving me a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you know… Ymir and Christa… Bertl and Reiner…” I stopped, hoping that he would get the hint sooner rather than later. His face showed at first that he was confused, until he realized. Then he got worried.

“You get used to it! If you aren’t comfortable around them they should be fine with-” He was getting the wrong idea.

“No! No, no, no! I’m fine with it! I’m just surprised you managed to have so many gay friends!” Oh dear. His face contorted, and he started to look kind of annoyed. It was as if I was offending him for even having friends. I couldn’t suck the words back into my mouth, so I waited patiently for his response.

He cleared his throat. “What’s that supposed to mean?” He looked expectant.

“I- I just thought you might be uncomfortable with people who weren’t straight or-”

“Dude! I’m fine with it!”

“Oh- oh good okay.”

I felt as if I had done something wrong, so I decided to fully immerse myself in my Tumblr dashboard. I went back to the top of my page, and refreshed my dashboard, deciding to this time pay full attention.

Once the page had refreshed, a little notification blipped at the bottom right hand corner of my screen. I read it quickly before it disappeared.

**jean-y-boy has followed you**

I read the username, and something clicked in my head. ‘JEAN-y-boy’? I looked over at Jean, feeling my face go red. He smirked at me, and didn’t hesitate before he opened up my blog and started scrolling.

Two can play that game. I followed him back, and started scrolling.

He looked over at me, and this time he was the one going red. He tried to play innocent though. “What are you laughing at?”

I shot him my sassiest look. “Are you serious? Do you think that I would look at that username, jean-y-boy, and NOT know it was you?”

His face darkened significantly. “You don’t tell anybody. Ever.”

“Sure! That goes the same for me okay?”

The next hour passed quickly as my ‘activity’ bar rose, Jean reblogging every last post on my blog. I could out-spam him though.

His bunny-gifs could find a home between my puppy and kitten pictures.

\---------

“It has to be a joke. There is a gym right beside McDonalds and the pizza shop. It has GOT to be a joke. Please tell me I’m hallucinating.”

“Nope.”

Jean sighed. “Woah.”

We had left the dorm at 12:30, with just enough time left over to make our way to the pool to meet up with Jean’s friends. I was looking forward to it, despite not really knowing anyone there.

We entered after paying for the day, and got changed. I was out faster than Jean, and waited for him. I didn’t have any shirt on, but then I realized how bad I looked. I didn’t have abs, and Jean probably did. On second thought, I tugged my sun shirt on.

Jean came out, and it turned out he didn’t have abs. He didn’t really have anything… but he still looked really hot in just board shorts. He came up to me, laughing.

“Dude, are you actually wearing a sun shirt?”

“Yeah… what of it?”

He pointed at my arms and legs, and grinned. “You could use some sun. Come on. Off with it.”

I frowned, and pulled of the shirt. I was very pale, but Jean didn’t seem to notice. He was staring at my stomach. I had a little bit of definition, but that was it. Had he fazed out or something? Was he okay?

He suddenly went really red, and flicked his head away so fast I heard a crack. He refused to look at me as he said that we should go and get a tanning chair. I agreed, grinning. He was still blushing and looking away, avoiding my eyes like I was Medusa.

He was checking me out.

I guess I could have high hopes for his sexuality.

As we sat down on the tanning chairs and covered ourselves in sunblock, I looked over at Jean. He seemed like he was at war with himself.

He turned to look at me, noticing me staring at him. “What?”

“You were staring at me back there. What was it?” I wanted to hear him say it… I needed to hear him say it.

“You are really pale. Like Edward Cullen type pale.”

My high hopes suddenly took a one way trip downwards, and I realized that him checking me out was just my wishful thinking. He just thought that I looked gross. I sighed, but pretended that everything was okay.

“Oh… I won’t be after this tanning hopefully. Do you think I have enough sunblock on?”

“Yeah, I think you’ve got enough on Mr. Sparkles.”

“Pfft.”

\----------

Once the inseparable trio, the Springles, Reiner and Bertl, and the freaky chic called Annie had arrived, Armin said that everyone had officially arrived, since Ymir and Christa had cancelled.

“Let’s go swi-”

The words no sooner left Armin’s mouth than we were sprayed from the splash of Connie and Sasha's bomb-dive.

“SCREW THIS!” Reiner jumped in, closely followed by a (still sweating profusely) Bertl. Annie dived in after them, closely followed by Mikasa. Eren and Armin jumped in like normal people, which seemed to be quite scarce around here. They continued to play some pool game that looked slightly life-threatening.

Jean made a moved to jump into the pool, but I pushed him in before he could jump. When he resurfaced, he turned around to look at me. I smirked at him, and he scowled. I started laughing.

When he continued to growl at me, I decided to help him out. I offered him my hand, which he took gratefully… and pulled me in after him.

Everything went smoothly from there on, we played a game of piggy-back war, and me and Jean won, him on my shoulders. When we finally got rid of Eren (who was on Armin’s shoulders), Jean yelled out and wrapped his arms around my head awkwardly, hugging me. Okay, it wasn’t exactly a hug… more like a light squeeze.

After Jean had teased Eren sufficiently, we lay down on the benches to tan.

\----------

“MARCO! MARCO!!!”

I woke up, and saw Jean’s face leaned over mine worriedly.

“Woah, woah… what’s wrong?”

“LOOK AT YOUR SKIN!”

I looked down, and laughed out loud. My skin had gone really red, just like it always does, despite the amount of sun-block I put on. Jean was so worried though, I couldn’t stop laughing.

“It happens. Believe me, by the time we get back to the dorms, I’ll have a great tan… and a few more freckles.”

“Okay.” He nodded, as if trying to calm himself. I chuckled again, and got up to help him wake up the others.

Once we had all (apart from Reiner, Bertholdt, and Annie, who wanted to go back to their dorm and sleep) decided to have a late lunch at the Mexican Restaurant next door, we set off getting ready.

\----------

We had all gathered around the table, and were digging into our taco-kits and nachos, and we had slipped into a conversation about high-school times. Jean had long since fazed out of the conversation, saying something about too much socialization.

Eren was leaning over his plate, talking excitedly to all of us who were still listening. “We had some of the greatest parties back in high-school!”

“Oh, yeah. Armin told me all about it!”

“One of the best parties was actually held at Reiner and Bert’s old apartment! Jean had brought in a whole heap of alcohol, and it was… just amazing. Jean was hilarious.”

I looked to my right, and noticed Jean had suddenly started paying attention. His eyes darkened, and he fixed a glare on Eren. I payed more attention than I had throughout the whole conversation.

Eren continued, despite Jean glaring at him. He hadn’t even noticed yet. “Gosh, the party was so awesome! Everyone was drinking, but the first person to get drunk was Jean.” He then turned his head to look directly at Jean. Something sparked in his eye, and Jean growled.

It was a challenge.

“Drunk Jean is the best form of Jean there is. Since everyone else was only a little bit tipsy, we remember everything that he said and did, but the next morning he completely forgot!”

Part of the table was laughing, but Armin and Mikasa who were on either side of Eren said nothing. Jean was sending a pleading gaze to Mikasa, but she was too busy death glaring the table.

“I can remember after his sixth shot he was dancing to Abba! Remember that Armin?” Armin shook violently, and purposely avoided Eren’s question. Wise choice. “He was going mad! And remember when he tried to make out with Bertl? Oh my gosh that was the best.”

Jean tried to make out with Bertholdt?

But…

Huh?

I looked over at Jean, who had gone very red. From embarrassment or fury, I couldn’t tell. His eyes said a mixture of both.

“He even tried to make out with Mikasa!” Mikasa flicked her head up to meet Eren’s eyes, but whatever daggers she was shooting him just made his eyes sparkle even more as he started imitating Jean, complete with hand movements. “He kept on saying he loved her hair! ‘Oh Mikasa, I have never seen hair as lovely as yours!’”

I looked over at Jean, and I felt all thoughts flying out of my head.

He looked furious.

If looks could kill, Eren would be dead a thousand times over.

“Remember when he started dancing around Reiner’s bedroom acting like a horse? Wait, I think I have that on video! I’ll make sure to show it to you one day Marco!”

I talked quietly under my breath. “Please shut up Eren.”

Another plate of food arrived, but that didn’t even shut Eren up. He shoved a spoonful of food in his mouth, and shot Jean a grin with lettuce coming out of his mouth. He swallowed, and cleared his throat to continue. I didn’t want to hear anymore, please no more Eren stop.

“Oh my God, and then later on in the night when the rest of the shots hit him, and he was vomiting all over Reiner’s new rug, and crying about his dad or something.”

I looked down at my plate, and shivered. That had to be it. Nothing could possibly be worse than that. It was the end of the onslaught. The end.

“He was a blubbering mess” Or so I thought. “He couldn’t stop crying, and there was snot everywhere!” I shook, and a tear slipped out of my eye. Why was I crying? I wiped it away quickly. “He kept on saying stuff like ‘My dad is mean, I don’t want to go home, nobody likes me, I’m so alone!’”

All the air left my lungs, and my blood went cold. No. No no no no.

Mikasa shut Eren up somehow, and the end of the meal was a blur.

My stomach was empty, but I felt so full. I ate a little bit, just to comfort Jean who was shooting me worrying glaces every now and then. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. I shoved my plate away from me, and leaned back in my chair, hanging my head on my chest. I had to talk to Jean. I had to make sure he was okay.

I already knew what was wrong.

I knew. I had felt it before.

I had experience.

I could help.

Jean stopped eating as well. The table fell silent until Armin spoke up. “How about we all go and see that new Captain America that came out?”

Sasha replied. “Captain America and the Winter Soldier?”

“Yeah!”

“Oh, me and Connie are seeing that on a date on Thursday. You guys can have fun though!”

“Okay! The rest of us can go to the 6:30 showing. How does that sound?”

Mikasa and Eren agreed to Armin’s suggestion, and said they were going to the shops.

“Are you guys coming?”

I looked at Jean next to me, but he was silent. I took my chance. “Jean and I wanted to check out a new gaming store in the shopping plaza next door to the cinema.”

Jean looked over at me, his face clearly saying ‘what?’. I gave him a look, and understanding registered on his face. “Yeah, we’ll meet you at the cinemas at 6:15.”

Armin said okay, and me and Jean stood up to leave. As we exited out of the restaurant, I looked behind me. Armin gave me a thumbs up, and mouthed ‘good luck’. I nodded, and me and Jean went straight to Starbucks to get our usual.

When we were walking with our take-away coffee’s in the public gardens, I decided to start a conversation. I couldn’t handle the tension.

“Speak up.”

“About what?”

I sighed. “You know what.” I looked over at him, and smiled. “I’m here, and I am ready to listen to anything.”

“I won’t judge.” I added as a second thought.

“Yes you will.”

“Come on, Jean. Please speak to me. I’m not going to stop being your friend.” I smiled invitingly. If I wanted him to talk to me, I needed to be welcoming.

His answer was whispered. I was seeing the real Jean. The one that was scared. “I was just talking about how my father doesn’t like me, and never talks to me…” He was leaving a part out.

“What about you being alone, and no one liking you?”

I directed him towards a bench, and we sat down. He sighed, giving up. I steeled myself, I knew what was coming.

“I have been teased for most of my life. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with it, say if it was about my hair, I wouldn’t care. But the thing I was teased about what how rich I was. I had no control over that. I just happened to be born into a rich family that own its own business. For the first few days of high school, everyone thought I was cool. I would turn up at school in Lotus’ or something, and then come out of the car wearing all this expensive stuff. I would be the one that could afford the food and booze for house-parties. Eventually people realized that if they became friends with me, then that would mean they they could afford more because I would buy everything for them.”

I had to tell him to continue. I had to know everything if he was going to trust me.

“Nobody cared about me, they cared about my wealth. My parents never cared about me at home, God, they didn’t even say goodbye to me when I left yesterday. You’d think I would be used to it now, but it still hurts. I always thought that I would be able to deal with my parents silence, as long as I could talk to people at school. So I let them use me, because I needed to be around people. I was invited to the parties purely because I could afford beer.”

“Nobody even noticed me. I would sit on the side-lines, and watch as people got themselves drunk. But one party, the one Eren was talking about at lunch before, was the party when I got so mad at myself, my family, my so-called friends and all the other people around me, that I got drunk. I needed to let myself loose. So I took countless shots, and eventually got so drunk that I forgot everything, and let everything out. That was the only time though. From then on I still got drunk at the parties, but not drunk enough that I spilled.”

But drunk enough that he forgot about his problems. He didn’t have to say it, I understood instantly. It was obvious now. I knew what it was like… finding ways to get around your misery. Maybe he was the same as me.

“Are you… y-you know…”

“Am I what?”

“Depressed.”

His eyes visibly widened, but he answered anyway. “Ever since the start of high school.”

“Jean…”

“I’m fine. You get used to it after a while.” Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. He was lying, and I knew it. You never get used to it. And I was mad. Mad that he would pretend that everything was okay when it clearly was not.

“Stop it. Don’t try and turn this into nothing.”

“It is nothing. Nobody has ever cared. My parents blew it off. The people around me blew it off. It is nothing. Nobody has ever cared, so I have chosen to stop caring as well.” He was crying. Tears spilled out of his eyes and splashed onto his shirt.

He had to know. It was important to me. My voice was uneasy as I told him. “I care.”

“You’ve only just met me though.” He looked at me, and tears welled up in my eyes as well. I couldn’t cry though, that never helped. His eyes were iridescent, and sparkled. The light of the moon made his eyes gold. I felt the sensation of falling, and I knew I was done for.

There was no bed of roses at the bottom.

I was staying with him.

I was staying with Jean.

“That’s not going to stop me. I will help you. We can get through this together.”

“Thank you”

His eyes looked at me, and I saw his pupils enlarge. He rushed forward, and I engulfed him in my arms. Where he was safe. Where I could protect him from the cruel world.

Where he was well and truly mine.

He smelt like chocolate Axe, and felt like he fit perfectly in my arms. I pulled away before he got the wrong idea. He was straight, and that was probably incredibly uncomfortable for him. I looked at him, smiling.

“It only gets better from here on out.”

He sighed as if he had heard that a thousand times. “Welcome, to the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. Enjoy your stay.”

Hah, I was part of his life now. Good job Marco. You’ve done well. I laughed, standing up and glancing at my watch. 6:00pm. “Let’s go. We’ll be early but I’m sure we can find something to pass the time.” I offered my hand to him, and pulled him into a standing position. I almost kept walking, with his hand in mine.

I quickly realized what I was doing, and dropped his hand. He noticed though, but his reaction was strange. He lingered as well. I boxed up the thought, and pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn’t need thoughts like that lingering when I was walking with him through a dark romantic park… with cherry blossom trees… and a full moon casting a beautiful light on us as we leaned in and-

Another thought to dispose. _Good one brain._

I sighed. “You coming?”

He nodded, and we continued to walked through the parks, purely as bros. Who just hugged. And held hands.

Um.

“So, Marco. If you had one favourite band, what would it be?”

“Oh god, let’s not go there. You answer it first.”

“But Marcoooo…” He moved behind me, resting his head in the middle of my back and pushing me forward. “I dun wanna…”

“What was that Jean?”

“I. Dun. Wanna.”

“In English please. Don’t underestimate the seductive power of a decent vocabulary.”

“So if I speak normally, I’ll be seductive?”

“Ugh, really. That’s all you took away from that?”

He laughed. “Yup.”

“You mean yes?”

“You suck.”

Oh Jean, _you don’t even know._ “Yeah, I’m a pretty awful human being right. Helping people. Understanding. Accept you even after I find out you’re a snotty crier…”

“Okay, I was kidding. You’re the best.” The wrapped his arms around my torso, and laughed. He then moved to walk beside me again.

“So, what movie are we watching anyway?”

“Captain America: The Winter Soldier.” We walked through the entry to the shopping centre, and walked towards the cinema entry, dropping our empty coffee cups in the bin on the way.

“Awesome. Captain America is awesome. He’s all like…” Jean jumped in front of me and started doing strange karate-type moves everywhere. “WOOM, SWOOSH, BANG, POW!”

I walked ahead quickly, pretending I wasn’t friends with him.

“Awww… did I embarrass poor Freckles?”

I turned around, and he was standing in the middle of the walkway, his arms crossed and smirking. It was then that I noticed that people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say.

Just in who they are.


	4. No Regrets?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and Jean's friendship is growing stronger and stronger. And then Eren posts a picture on Facebook, and Reiner things that Jean might own a tent... if you know what I mean.

“Honey your soul could never grow old, its evergreen. And baby your smile’s forever in my mind and memories.”

\--Thinking Out Loud, Ed Sheeran

I woke up at 7:15, and immediately slipped out of bed. I had learned from many years of before school band rehearsals that it was a bad idea to wake up, and say ‘5 more minutes’.

Noticing Jean was still asleep, I decided to quickly get dressed. I slipped on my favourite moustache shirt and black skinny jeans, and just to finish off the look… a beanie. Jean would love it.

I looked over at the blonde mop of hair peeking out from his comforter, and grinned evilly. I had waited for this moment for ages. Finally. It was my time.

“Good MORNING!”

He sat bolt upright in bed, looking extremely terrified. I laughed, and fell back onto my mattress. His hair was sticking up in every direction, and he looked like a startled chicken.

“Wow. Eccentric much.” I almost congratulated him on his use of a big word before the pm’s came, but the death glare made me shut up. The groan that came out of his throat when he saw his alarm clock set me off again.

“Dude, what is this satanic ritual you are taking part in here? 7:30? Really?” He stood up and dragged himself over to his cupboard where he proceeded to get changed. In front of me.

He tugged his shirt off his head, and pulled out two t-shirts from his cupboard.

“What do you think?”

I gaped, and felt myself go red. Answer Marco. Answer. He wants you to tell him what to- it was too late. He shrugged and pulled on the darker one.

I leaned against the doorframe, and watched Jean. He was so pretty, lovely back… and arms… and mouth…

“...want to see my take my pants off you might want to get out of here.”

I came back to the real world, and saw Jean staring at me worriedly, holding the band of his pajama pants, about to put them down. My face heated up, and I jumped.

“O-OH y-y-yeah…” I turned around, smacking my head on the door. “Ow…” Jean laughed, and I ran out of the door, and recovered myself in the kitchen. I shook my head, telling myself to calm down, and then pulled my phone out from where it was charging. I picked up my headphones, and plugged them in. I turned it onto my favourite song, and started dancing around the kitchen, making coffee for me and Jean whilst singing along.

“All this feels strange and untrue  
And I won't waste a minute without you  
My bones ache, my skin feels cold  
And I'm getting so tired and so old”

I thought back to the lyrics, and smiled. It described me and Jean. Implicitly, but it was something.

“The anger swells in my guts  
And I won't feel these slices and cuts”

The second line… I would tell him soon. I would tell him soon.

“I want so much to open your eyes  
'Cos I need you to look into mine”

Please Jean, trust me.

“Tell me that you’ll open your eyes, tell me that you’ll open your eyes,

Tell me that you’ll open your eyes, tell me that you’ll open your eyes”

I spun, and stuck the cups under the coffee machine, filling them up.

“Get up, get out, get away from these liars, ‘cause they don’t get your soul, or your fire.”

I turned around, taking the cups to the main table to fill the rest of it up with milk, and mix in the appropriate amount of sugar. I knew exactly how Jean liked his coffee.

“Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine...”

I heard someone else singing, so I look up from the task at hand. Jean. He was singing along with me… and he was singing like he believed the lyrics as well.

“...And we’ll walk from this dark room for the last time”

I smiled as he walked around the kitchen tablet to stand in front of me. When he was face to face with me, and we had finished the line together, I grinned. His cheeks went red, soon followed by everything as he pulled my beanie down of my head.

“What was that for?” I laughed, and rearranged the beanie so it was back in place.

“Being a dork.”

I grinned again, and handed him his cup. He smiled, and I gasped.

“Wait… did you just smile BEFORE you had coffee?”

“Shut up. You just ruined it.” He tried to be mad at me, but just ended up smirking and laughing along with me.

\----------

I had my laptop open and was sipping from my coffee, reading the shenanigans that were going down on Facebook. Someone had gotten married, another person was at Disneyland, a picture of Jean staring at me in the pool, a status update about- wait… a picture of what?

I scrolled back up, and clicked on the photo Eren had posted on his Facebook. It was a very clear picture of me standing up in the pool, stretching my hands above my head and laughing at something the Springles were doing.

Reiner was at the side of the photo, looking at the camera and laughing, tears streaming down his face. Jean was looking at me with a dopey look on his face, and Eren had drawn over the picture where he was looking. His eyes had lines coming out of them, pointing directly at my stomach definition, (I still couldn’t call them abs, it was too foreign) which was circled.

I was focusing so hard on not laughing that my eyes were watering up. I looked at the caption, and choked. ‘Jean ‘No-Homo’ Kirschtein strikes again!’ Jean still hadn’t noticed the pain I was in. I struggled as I open up the comments box, and saw what was happening.

 

Reiner Braun:  
dude you are so dead

Connie Springer:  
holy shit

Armin Arlert:  
If him or Marco finds this I’m gonna laugh.

Bertholdt Hoover:  
My gaydar needs repairing. It just broke.

Connie Springer:  
Sasha Braus look!!

Sasha Braus:  
BE RIGHT BACK LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

Eren Jaeger:  
just look at jean’s eyes. “to blow or not to blow”

Reiner Braun:  
i hope you’re digging your grave cause good lord man

Armin Arlert:  
I’m so sorry for Marco right now.

 

I opened up the comments box, and typed in my own reply

 

Marco Bodt:  
I’m sorry for myself as well. I’m gonna have to deal with him.

Eren Jaeger:

in what way ;) ;)

Sasha Braus:  
holy shit i have the worst laughing stitch right now

Marco Bodt:  
I have to tell him Eren.

Eren Jaeger:  
no dont ill die

Reiner Braun:  
can i tag him

Bertholdt Hoover:  
reiner no

Connie Springer:  
reiner YES

Eren Jaeger:  
is that a tent i see

Armin Arlert:  
Where?

Eren Jaeger:  
in jeans pants

 

I heard Reiner’s laugh from the other side of the level. Jean didn’t though. I looked over at him… so unsuspecting of what was going on.

 

Annie Leonhardt:  
holy crap shut up reiner

Reiner Braun:

no but

Bertholdt Hoover:  
Don’t say it Reiner.

Armin Arlert:  
Say what?

Connie Springer:  
SAY IT

Reiner Braun:  
actually look at his pants

Connie Springer:  
no fucking way

Eren Jeager:  
shit guys i was joking no

 

I stop myself from instintively scrolling up. I didn’t want to know.

 

Annie Leonhardt:  
are those funeral bells i hear

Bertholdt Hoover:  
Nope.  
  


Armin Arlert:  
I hear a clear…  
  


Reiner Braun:  
beep beep beep

 

I choked again, but Jean was still in his own other world. I opened up the comments box again, and started typing.

 

Marco Bodt:  
I don’t want to scroll up do I.  
  


Bertholdt Hoover:  
Probably not.  
  


Reiner Braun:  
i got you covered marco

Connie Springer:  
oh no he isn’t gonna

Eren Jaeger:  
i’ll delete it instantly if he does

Bertholdt Hoover:  
He is. Prepare your eyes Marco.

 

I forgot to prepare myself.

Reiner inserted a cropped version of the original photo, zoomed in to show… well… Jean’s boardies. Where there was…

Reiner even drew a hat on it.

 

Sasha Braus:  
awww cute

 

It was too much. I burst out laughing, and quickly closed the comments box before Jean saw.

“What’s so funny?”

Oh no. He had seen how hard I was laughing, and now he was giving me a weird look, not judgemental or anything… just intrigued. I gave in. He had to see it. I just hoped he didn’t bother going to the comments box.

Eren hadn’t taken down Reiner’s photo comment yet… and neither had Reiner.

“Check Eren’s most recent status!” I wiped another tear out from under my eye, and watched as he opened up Eren’s profile page and scrolled down.

“Oh my god.”

“Have you seen the caption?”

Please get away from the comments box please get away from the comments box.

“That’s it.” Jean stood up and marched over to our contacts list, and I quickly opened up the comments box.

 

Marco Bodt:  
Eren, run.

Reiner Braun:  
did he see the comments box?

Marco Bodt:  
No. But Eren, god you are so screwed.

 

“He is so screwed.”

I laughed, and shut the lid of my Mac. I got up and followed him out into the corridor, as my laptop constantly beeped, signifying notifications.

Jean marched up, and knocked hard on the door marked number 2, Eren and Armin’s dorm.

Eren screamed out from inside. “Who is it?”

Jean fixed me with a glare, and I knew. He wanted a surprise attack. And I was supposedly on his team. He wasn’t really gonna beat Eren up was he?

“It’s me, Marco! I’m just wondering if I can come in and… uhh…” I glaced over at Jean, who narrowed his eyes.

“Armin.”

“Can I come in and talk to Armin?” I was terrified. This was going to end up with me with a shovel in a moor, I got just see it.

All foggy, full moon, whispers… ughhh.

Armin opened up the door, smiling at me. “Sure, come on in!” He then saw my company, and his eyes widened and mouth opened.

I quickly warned Armin. “I apologise in advance for what’s about to happen. Do you have 911 on speed dial?”

Jean was already running down the hallway. Me and Armin quickly followed him, and turned the corner to stare at what was going on.

Jean was on one side of the couch, death glaring Eren… and Eren was on the other side, pleading for his life.

“… dude it was a joke I swear it meant nothing please don’t get so worked up about it.”

Jean jumped over the couch, grabbing part of Eren’s pants. Me and Armin fully entered the room, me staring horrified and Armin screaming beside me.

“Please let him go Jean! It was meant to be a joke! And Reiner is promising to take down the-” I clasped my hand over his mouth before he had the chance to go any further.

“He doesn’t know about that yet. Please don’t let him find out.”

“Oh-kay…”

I turned my head back to the scene in front of me, and watch Jean as he caught Eren in a straddle hold with his hands pinned. He leaned in, and hissed in Eren’s face. I could only just make out what he was saying.

“If you say or do ANYTHING that will ruin the friendship I am building with Marco, I solemnly swear that I will kick your ass to Shinganshina and back.”

“O-okay! Please let me go dude! It was a joke! I won’t do it again!”

“And you even dare mention my past in front of Marco again, I will ruin you. I am trying my hardest to change and be a better person- and you’re not helping. So you keep your mouth shut Jaeger. Got it?”

“Y-yes!”

My eyes were wide, and Armin was watching me carefully. “Are you alright Marco?”

“Yeah, I think so. Is Eren?”

“I think he’s fine physically. Emotionally, probably not.”

Jean had suddenly tugged me away from Armin, holding my wrist in a death grip.

“We’re leaving.”

“O-okay! Got it.” I looked back at Armin. “Sorry!”

\----------

“What happened guys? I heard Eren pleading!”

We had just walked back into our dorm, and Connie was yelling out from his bedroom.

Jean muttered darkly, just loud enough for Connie to hear. “Oh, he was just paying for that status he made.”

“DUDE! That was funny! Jean No-Homo Kirschtein! That’s your new name dude!”

Goodbye Connie. You were a good friend.

Jean poked his head back into Connie’s room, and said something about turning skin into drums. I cringed.

Once me and Jean were finally sitting down, and not threatening to murder people or actually trying to, I turned over to look at him. He hadn’t even opened his laptop yet. He was just fuming. I had my laptop open in front of me, and noticed that Eren had already deleted the photo. Wise choice.

“Jean?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you mean what you said back there?”

“What?! About me killing Connie and turning his skin into drums? Do you REALLY think I would-”

“NO!” So that’s what he was saying. “I mean what you said to Eren.”

“Well, I will kick his ass to Shigan-”

I groaned, and rolled my eyes. “Did you mean it when you were saying you were trying to be a nicer person, and trying to keep our friendship going?”

“Well, yeah. You mean a lot to-” He paused, and I watched as his eyes widened and face went red. He cleared his throat to try again. “A-as in…. I’m not used to having friends… and it’s cool-”

He stopped again, and I decided to help him out. “Just say what you want to say, Jean.”

He stayed quiet for a while, and I could see him thinking. Finally, he looked over at me.

“I am really glad that someone like you is roommate, because I was worried I would rooming with some heartless douche-bag that teased me for being rich yet still dressing like a hipster, and didn’t like my music taste. Instead I got you, literally a freckled version of Jesus, who has the same music taste, likes me for me, and for once in my entire life, accepts me. I’m really grateful for that. So thank you Marco. What I said to Eren was simply me trying to make precautions, because I didn’t want to lose you so early. If I did lose you I would be alone again, and I don’t know how I would deal with that. I’m so glad it was you Marco. I’m so glad.”

I put my head down, my hair covering my face, hiding my blush. It echoed around in my head.

“I’m so glad it was you Marco. I’m so glad.”

Those words meant so much to me.

I looked up at him, not even worried if I looked like a love-struck teenager. I was. I loved Jean. I loved him so much. It was scary, but it was also excited. I smiled my most genuine smile.

I was about to open my mouth, and tell him. I was going to. I thought I could do it.

“Uhh… sorry… did I walk in on something?”

I shook my head, and looked up at an awkward looking Connie. I decided not to question the phone shaped mark on his face.

“I just wanted to say it’s a quarter past eight… and I thought you might like to go and grab a bite to each before our first lecture?”

I realised how close I was to making the biggest mistake of my life. Me telling my hetero roommate that I loved him. Suddenly, I realised. I couldn’t tell him. He wasn’t allowed to know. I acted like everything was normal. “You coming?”

Jean looked down. “Oh… uhh… yeah.”

\----------

Me and Jean walked into our separate classes. He was in the auditorium on the left of mine, right next door.

He had Art class, I had my Music class. A nice way to start of college, I thought.

We were all seated for our first half of the lesson, and our teacher walked in… or should I say teachers. The lady who talked first was quite tall, with brown hair tugged back in a ponytail, and glasses.

“Hello music students! My name is Professor Hanji, and this is my student teacher, Miss Ral.”

“You can just call me Petra.” The younger woman was petite, and had pretty orange shoulder length hair. She also had heaps of environmental badges… my younger brother calls those people ‘tree-huggers’.

The lesson went smoothly, as we learnt more about composition, and what was going to be happening in the semester.

“Okay, that’s it for this half! You are supposed to have a ten minute break now, but we’ll continue when me and Petra come back from the coffee machines. We’ll be practising our instruments then! See you in about 15 minutes!”

Then teachers left the room, and I instantly pulled my phone out. I opened up Jean’s contact, and decided to send him a text, for the first time.

I no sooner opened up the template then I recieved a text from him.

From: Jean-y boiiiii

hey how did ur lesson go?

I replied instantly.

To: Jean-y boiiiii

Great! :D How did yours go? And what is your teacher like? Mine is really nice! :)

There was a huge gap before he messaged me again. What happened? I decided to ask him later.

From: Jean-y boiiiii

yeah it went okay i guess. my teacher is scary as hell but gets the job done. erens in my class too hahaha

Jean’s contact name was annoying me. He typed it in when he added me to his contacts, but that name was just outrageous.

To: Jean

Oh dear. You didn’t bully him did you? D:

From: Jean

the teacher or eren?

Huh?

To: Jean

Eren, of course!

From: Jean

no the teacher did that for me hahahaha you should have been there

Oh dear.

Petra and Professor Hanji chose that moment to come back in, announcing that they were early due to the coffee machine malfunctioning.

To: Jean

You have to tell me all about it at lunch! My teacher’s back now, and we are finally playing our instruments! See you at lunch! Have fun! :D :P

I put my phone into sleep, and slipped it back into my pocket.

“Okay, so who plays what?”

It turned out that I was the only one who played piano in our class, so I got the one grand piano to myself. That was exciting. I’d only ever played a grand paino once before at a competition, but I lost because my fingers weren’t used to the weight of the keys. Now I had a chance to get used to it!

Once we had all gathered our instruments (which was extremely easy in my case, thank god I didn’t have to carry a piano everywhere. Poor tuba players...) we made our way up to the Theatre room, which was just upstairs. As soon as we entered the room and the teacher said ‘be free’, I did a bee-line for the beautiful piano.

I sat down on the seat, bouncing up and down slightly. I then pressed a few keys, no particular chord in mind. It was different, but would be easy to get used to after a few scales.

I played about 4 different chromatic scales, and multiple harmonics. I was used to by then, but I was just enjoying the tinkling sound. I started on the simplest scale, C major two octaves, and was only at the second G when I was startled. My pocket had started vibrating.

I pulled my phone out, and read the most recent text. It was from Jean. He was supposed to be in class!

From: Jean

you look like you really love playing the piano

I was about to answer saying thank you, when I realised there was something wrong about that text. ‘You look like’... he could see me? I lifted my head up from my phone, going into full on meerkat mode as I scanned the area for a mop of blonde brown hair.

From: Jean

the window you dork

Huh? I looked around, and noticed a window on the left wall. And just past the window, a smirking Jean hiding behind an easel. He grinned, and I smiled back.

To: Jean

STALKER! :O

From: Jean

hahahaa!! i actually need ur help though. i dont know what to draw.

Draw me.

What?

I felt myself go red, just before I realised that he could still see me. I turned away, and looked at someone playing the bassoon beside me. I wanted him to draw me. I wanted him to draw me really badly.

I could trust him not to laugh at me… right?

To: Jean

If I give you a suggestion, you can’t make fun of me. Okay?

From: Jean

i wouldnt do that. try me

If you insist.

To: Jean

Draw me.

I watched Jean’s reaction carefully. He was extremely red, that was obvious. I took my chances.

To: Jean

Are you okay? You look really red… ;)

Please tell me that wasn’t too far.

From: Jean

are you flirting with me freckles?

Oh my god yes yes I am please flirt back please. He was smiling at me, and I realised he was just teasing me. I decided to ignore it.

To: Jean

Are you okay with drawing me? I want to see how talented you are. Maybe we could hang it up in our room?

His eyes widened, by he smiled sheepishly.

From: Jean

i guess i could try but dont expect much

To: Jean

My expectations just rose by about %214.

From: Jean

okay i will try please dont make fun of me though

To: Jean

I would never do that. :)

I promise.

\----------

I jumped as my phone vibrated in my pocket once again. I stopped in the middle of the chorus for ‘How to Save a Life’ by The Fray, and opened up Jean’s text.

From: Jean

hey look through the window

I couldn’t believe it. He actually drew me. I closed the piano, and stared, taking in every last stroke.

It was me holding two cups of coffee, earbuds in, moustache shirt on. It was from this morning. I could see all of the detail. The way my hair stuck up and the light shined on it, the folds in my shirt, the dimples from my smile… every last freckle, on my face and hands.

He remembered it. He remembered it all.

To: Jean

That is just amazing.

It was an understatement. I wanted to say it was beautiful… but that would be kind of vain. It was a picture of me after all.

From: Jean

Thank you. :)

I gasped when I registered the capital letter. And a smiley face? Wow, I must be special.

To: Jean

Woah! You had a capital letter! And a smiley face? Are YOU flirting with ME Jean?

He blush, and shook his head… reluctantly?

From: Jean

No, I just want to try and type normally.

To: Jean

It doesn’t suit you.

He poked his tongue at me, and I saw Eren glancing away from his easel to give Jean a judgemental look. God Jean, you’re such an idiot.

From: Jean

oh thank god that took way too long to type. how do u do it

“Okay everybody! Packing up now please!”

To: Jean

You get used to it! :D I’m going downstairs now, so I’ll see you in the cafeteria at lunch!

From: Jean

okay c u then

I slipped the phone into my pocket, and picked up my bag and music. I walked away from the already packed up computer. Before I ducked down the stairs, purposefully staying at the back of the file, I turned around and smiled at Jean. I then winked. No regrets, right?

Jean blushed, and I started laughing. What a dork! I was so glad that I could get that type of reaction out of him.

I poked my tongue out at him as I slipped down the stairs.

\----------

Ymir came and stole the spot I had saved for Jean at our cafeteria table. Jean wasn’t that far behind her.

“What do you think you are doing Ymir?” Oh dear.

“Stealing your boyfriend, what do think I’m doing?” Boyfriend? Me?

Jean death glared her. “Get out of the way, you joke.”

“Awww, how adorable. Jean’s jealous.” Ymir laughed, and rested her head on my shoulder. I stiffened, and Jean looked worriedly at me. Just how far was Ymir going to push him?

“Get off him.”

The table was silent.

“Okay, Ymir. Off.” God bless you Christa. I’m gonna buy you an amazing Christmas present. “Enough teasing for one day.”

“Tch.” Ymir hoped out of the chair, and Jean sat down in a rush, as if worried somebody else would take it.

Jean looked down. “Sorry…”

“I-it’s fine…” It wasn’t his fault… but what did Ymir know about me and Jean? What had Jean… what happened during that lesson?

The lunch break passed, before it was time for us to start thinking about heading off to our next class, Drama.

Jean spoke up all of a sudden. He had been quiet for quite some time. “Hey, can we quickly go back to the dorm before Drama?”

“Yeah, sure! Why?”

“Need to get this some place safe. I don’t want to ruin it.” Jean nudged something against my leg, and I looked under the table. It was a canvas, and I could see my face on it. I smiled.

“Okay, lets go now! We don’t want to be late. Who’s our teacher again?”

“Professor Levi, the same one I have for art.”

“Ooh… you’re going to have to warn me what he’s like before class starts.”

“Oh, okay. Well… first of all, I think Eren is questioning his sexuality regarding him…”

Eren was still in earshot and Jean knew it. I looked at him, alarmed, but Jean just smirked.

“He’s in debt to me. Don’t worry about it.”

\----------

Drama and the following 3 days went smoothly. Before we knew it, it was Thursday. Connie and Sasha were on a date, and it was just me, Jean and the internet. A perfect date.

No, not date. Definitely not date.

“Looking forward to Ymir’s party?” Jean looked over at me, taking a break from sending me links to Tumblr posts.

“I don’t know. It’s going to be my first party, and I’ve never even been drunk before so-” Wait. Oh no.

“YOU’VE NEVER BEEN DRUNK?”

“N-no…” Oh dear. He’s going to unfriend you. You goddamn idiot Marco!

“Do you trust me?” What type of question was that?

“Of course!”

“Do you want to go and buy some vodka and beer and stuff, and I’ll teach you how to do the whole lot… you know… beer pong… tequila shots…”

Do I want to get drunk with Jean? Do I want to get drunk with Jean? YES. YES I DO. YES I DEFINITELY WOULD LOVE TO GET DRUNK WITH YOU.

“Okay!”

Jean smirked, and grinned mischievously at me. “Let’s get pissed.”

And the last thing I thought was, ‘what could possibly go wrong?’

Well, it turned out there was a multitude of things that could go wrong.

**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no words can accurately explain how hard i was laughing whilst writing the facebook scene


	5. I do.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guess which chapter this is? "I found your sketchbook" :3  
> God, how do I explain this.  
> Just heaps of fluff. Like, fluff overload. It's scary. Soooo much fluff. Extra scenes that weren't in 'Open Your Eyes' too. God, so much fluff wow.  
> Oh, and the tent jokes are back.

“I’m never gonna look back, woah, I’m never gonna give it up, no, please don’t wake me now.”

\--Best Day of My Life, American Authors

**  
  
**

The only words that echoed through my head when I drove down the backroads of Trost with a boot full of illegal alcohol, was “Oh shit.”

My hands were shaking on the steering wheel, and I couldn’t stop checking the rear-view mirror, expecting to see blue and red lights whirring in the distance, and the distant sound of a siren telling me about my upcoming jail sentence.

But I trusted Jean. I trust Jean. I trust Jean. He won’t let me get arrested. I trust Jean.

But I am sooo dead.

Jean didn’t seem worried at all. The only thing he was worried about how my music taste would be severed once drunk.

“When you are drunk, your music taste completely changes. Every song will sound amazing to you, and depending on the song, you will do some pretty strange things to suit the music.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You will dance like a lunatic, you will act really seductively, that sort of thing. Say, if a loud dubstep song comes on, you will dance like a chimp on drugs. It will be funny, but you will fit in with the crowd. If there is a slow song on, you will probably accidently make-out with the person next to you. Luckily for you, they will probably forget the next morning anyway.”

“Getting drunk sounds exceptionally dangerous, but really REALLY fun.” I was terrified. I was gonna do something stupid. I could just see it.

“Also… hope you don’t mind me prying too deep here…” I made a noise in my throat, which he took as a ‘go on’. “... have you ever kissed someone before?”

No. No I have not. He understood my silence.

“Okay. Looks like you’ll probably accidently have your first kiss at Ymir’s.”

But… what if it was tonight? What if I… what if I kiss Jean?

“But I don’t want to give my first kiss to anyone.” But you. “You need to make sure I don’t do anything I’ll regret the next morning.” Unless I kiss you. In which case slit my throat so I don’t have to explain.

“I’ll try… just warning you I’ll probably be drunk already… but I’ll try.”

“Thank you for doing this for me.” I don’t even know how to kiss! This is gonna go so badly.

“I’m not just doing this for you, to be honest. I’m doing it for me as well. I haven’t been drunk in ages, and I am feeling kind of deprived. Not to mention I can’t wait to be the first person to see you drunk.” I saw him grinning at me in my peripheral vision.

“If I do or say anything embarrassing it stays between us.” Like if I kiss you. Or worse.

Well… it couldn’t go that bad could it? I mean… I know your mind gets messed when you’re drunk, but you also forget everything the next morning, right? So if I did kiss Jean, he would probably forget it. It was always good to take precautions though. I mean, in case I accidently suck his dick or something.

“Sure. But only if it is the same for me.”

Or if he accidently sucks mine.

Okay mind, calm down.

“Back to the music. You will like the sound of anything. I have Ymir’s party playlist on my iPod, so I’ll play that for you once we reach the dorms.”

“Should I be worried?”

“Yes. Prepare yourself for the worst.”

\----------

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT? IS SHE SERIOUS? THIS SONG SOUNDS LIKE IT IS DRUNK AS IT IS.”

The playlist was the worst. Everything that was on the Top 10 was there, as well as every famous party song. And only the bad ones. Ugh. She even had One Direction on there. Disgusting.

Jean was killing himself laughing on the sofa, just sitting back and watching me scroll through the party iPod’s songs.

I was so mad. I would never dance to any of these songs. Even whilst drunk. ‘Tequila’? Really Ymir? “The only acceptable song on this playlist is Rather Be.” Jean smiled to himself.

I put the iPod on the dock, and turned to face Jean. I was excited all of sudden. “So are we going to get drunk or not?”

“Let’s start off easy.” He grabbed a beer and downed part of it. “Ahh, sweet release.” I almost said ‘that’s what she said’. I grabbed myself and beer, and took a sip. It tasted like cat piss. Do people really drink this stuff?

Jean laughed when he saw my reaction, resulting in him choking a little bit. I can drink beer. I am a man. Why is he laughing at me? I took a huge gulp, and almost killed myself trying not to cough. Jean laughed again, and just sat back, relaxing. “Wait until you take a tequila shot!” He was too used to this.

I needed to prove myself to him.

“Can we try that now?”

Jean’s eyes grew wide, and he stared at me like I was crazy. Tequila shots… couldn’t be too hard. Right?

Jean sighed. “Hang on.”

He got up and made his way to the kitchen, so I took my chance. I lifted the beer to my lips, and tipped my head back. I managed to finish without coughing or choking. I was proud of myself. I could take a million tequila shots and be okay. You’ll see, Jean. Oh, you’ll see.

Jean came back to the sofa, and  gasped when he saw my empty beer bottle.

“Have you already finished your beer?”

I grinned, and put two thumbs up. “Yep! Bring on the tequila!”

Jean sighed, shrugging. “Follow what I do.” He poured the alcohol into two shot glasses, and handed one to me. He then shook some salt onto his hand, and placed a piece of lime in front of both of us. “What we are going to do, is lick the salt off our hand, down the tequila shot, and then suck the lime.” I shook some salt onto my hand, and then looked up at Jean nervously. Suck a lime? That was going to taste horrible. Jean smiled reassuringly. “3… 2… 1…”

I followed his orders, and managed to down the shot with no trouble. I grabbed the piece of lime, and shoved it in my mouth with no second thoughts. The taste… was unexpected. It was delicious.

“It tastes so good!” I laughed, and placed the lime back on the table, Jean was still sucking his, and grinning at me. “Let’s have another one!”

He pulled his lime out of his mouth, and put it down beside mine. He then looked at me, grinning wickedly. “Okay!”

\----------

Heaps of giggling, and 4 (or something?) shots later, and I had an idea.

“Let’s have a drinking game now!”

“Never Have I Ever!” He grinned up at me (I was currently dancing to… was it Justice Crew?), and laughed.

“YES! I know how to play this one! So you just drink instead of admitting?” I was going to have fun with this. My brain felt sparkly, and I could see sound. It was amazing.

“Basically! I’ll go first! Never Have I Ever… eaten a raw egg!”

“NOPE! Okay… Never Have I Ever… kissed someone!” I am so funny!

“NOT FAIR!” I fell over and started laughing madly. He took a sip from his second beer, and smiled at me. He obviously wasn’t drunk yet… I obviously was.

“Never Have I Ever… been seen naked by my parents!” Oh Jean. Of course you haven’t. I sipped my beer, and poked my tongue out at him. Suddenly I had an idea.

“How dirty are we allowed to be?”

He looked confused as he answered me. “As dirty as you want! But I don’t think you could-”

“NEVER HAVE I EVER JACKED OFF!”

Jean jumped, and gave me a… suggestive look. He kept his eyes on me as he chugged his entire beer. I couldn’t stop laughing through out the entire process.

“I didn’t expect that from you Marco!” I’m not as innocent as you think Jean. “Never Have I Ever… Never Have I Ever had a hard one for a boy!” He smirked at me, proud of himself.

He obviously wasn’t expecting my answer. But then again, neither was I.

“That’s not fair!” I drowned my entire beer in one breath.

Jean stared at me, his mouth agape. “Are you… gay?”

“Yeah!”

Wait. Oh no.

What if he figured out that I liked him? It would be the end of our friendship. He would hate me. I had to know if he cared.

“A-are you okay with that?”

He grinned wildly, and blushed. W-why? Suddenly his face straightened out, and he looked down. When he looked back up again, his eyes were empty. Maybe I was just imagining it.

He smiled, but it looked strained. “Your turn!”

I needed to make him smile for real again. I needed to. “Never Have I Ever… watched porn!”

“Oh my God Marco!” He grinned, but didn’t take a sip. It wasn’t expected, but I thought that maybe it was better not to question it. He grinned when he stated his next question.

“Never Have I Ever had a crush on the opposite sex this year.”

“That was oddly specific.” Why did he care? I top a sip, and smiled. He was staring at me again. Then he shouted.

“WHO?”

I laughed. Oh dear. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I’m not gonna. Ever. Evvvveeerrr.

“Yes I would!” Oh, Jean. “So… spill. It had better not be Eren.” OH, JEAN.

I almost laughed out loud. “It isn’t Eren.”

“Who?”

Why did he sound so jealous? Oh, he wasn’t jealous. He was just drunk. Good, now I could start playing with him. “You’ll have to get me more drunk if you want to find that out!”

“That reminds me! You need to try the Jagerbomb!”

“The what?”

“The Jagerbomb. It’s when you put a shot glass of Jagermeister into a Red Bull or something, and then you chug the whole thing! You need to experience these! Eren is addicted to them, since they have his last name in it, and he makes everyone take one at every party.”

“Okay! Sounds fun!” I grabbed the glasses, and followed his instructions. Once I dropped the Jagerbomb in, I passed him his drink. I sat down on the sofa beside him, and we watched each other as we rose the glass to our lips.

He grinned. “Go!”

We chugged it, and the Jagermeister hit me like nothing had ever hit me before. It was mad. And it was overwhelming. I felt faint all of a sudden, and could feel something rising up my throat. Jean had my wrist and was pushing me towards the toilet in a matter of seconds.

\----------

I lifted my head up from the bowl, and gathered my surroundings. Jean at the door, watching me closely, and Rather Be playing in the background.

Rather Be?

THAT WAS MY ANTHEM.

“LISTEN!” I grabbed Jean’s hand, spinning us around in a circle and stopping when we were behind the sofa. I laughed, and started waving hands around and yelling. “DANCE!”

We did, for about 10 seconds. Jean was grinning at me wildly, and I felt a falling sensation. I would never fully get used to it. I grabbed his hand, spinning him around again.

I watched him as we spun, and grinned. He was so beautiful. The rosy cheeks. The golden eyes. The smile he only gave me. Because I was special to him.

And for a moment, I thought he loved me.

I pulled him close, wrapping my arms around him, and digging my face into the crevice of his shoulder and neck. He smelled like chocolate and alcohol… it was amazing. I was holding Jean, he was holding me...

“M-Marco… what are you-?”

I lifted my lips up to his ear. “Let it happen.”

I wanted to kiss his neck, his shoulder, his cheek, his forehead, his lips. I wanted him to kiss me back. I wanted HIM.

Jean mumbled something, but I wasn’t paying attention anymore. I pushed him backwards, and he landed on his back on the sofa. I hopped over the back, and sat myself down on top of him, straddling his hips. I looked down at him, and he looked really worried.

“M-Marco… what are you doing?”

I’m just… wait. What am I doing? It felt like a bomb exploded in my brain, and I just broke down. What has I doing to him? Nononononono… I’d done it now. He hated me. He hated me.

“Oh my God… I’m so sorry!” I jumped off Jean, and landed in a sprawling heap on the ground. My side hurt, but not as much as my head. What had I done? “I AM SO SORRY.”

“What just happened?” He sounded annoyed, but it wasn’t a mad type annoyed, it was a weird type. I couldn’t explain it. My head was too busy pounding, and my mind was repeating the phase “He hates you”. I curled up, and did the only thing I was good at. Shutting myself off from the world, and crying.

Jean said something, and was gone. The only person who cared. The only person that needed me.

And in that moment, I felt like trying again.

Maybe this time I would die.

\----------

I don’t know how long it took for Jean to come back, but when he did, he was slightly pale, and wrapped in a blanket. He had been vomiting. So I didn’t scare him off. I just made him vomit. Great. He curled up beside me, and in some way he was leaning his head on my side. I shuffled a bit, so that we were more comfortable. I sat up, and we leaned our heads on each other. So he didn’t hate me. I still had to check though.

“A-are you o-okay?”

“I’m fine…” He shook violently, and I shuffled closer to him. “Are you okay?”

No. “I’m so sorry-”

“Stop apologising.”

He hated me. I broke down again, curling over myself and letting all of the tears out. I tried to explain myself, though there was no going back now. “I don’t know what c-came over me… i-it must have been the al… alc…”

“Alcohol.”

“Yeah. I think we should stop drinking.” I didn’t mean it. I wanted to forget everything. I needed to drink so that I would forget.

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Do you want to play a game?” He sounded nervous, as if I was the one that would hate him.

“Sure.” I smiled, and he smiled back at me. Maybe we were okay. I could tell we were when he wrapped half of the blanket around me. Was this cuddling? “What game?”  
“Truth or Truth.” Hmm. Very creative. I laughed lightly. “It is a lot like Truth or Dare, except you take the dare and replace it with truth.”

Oh my gosh. I started laughing even harder, and he watched on with pink cheeks.

“Let’s make the rules simple, we take it in turns to ask each other any truth we want, and then we have to answer it… well, truthfully.” That is kinda what Truth is Jean. He must be drunk. “How about we have one more beer first, just to lighten the mood.” Oh dear. I agreed, and was glad that he ignored the idea that we should stop drinking. A hangover was inevitable anyway, it seemed.

I grabbed us both a beer, and handed him his. Then I had an idea. “Chugging Competition! GO!”

I won. Jean wasn’t prepared, and started coughing madly. What a dork.

Jean got up to turn the music up, and returned quickly after. He planted himself beside me, and grinned. The song was ‘Tequila’, and I found myself swaying back and forth to it. Jean joined in, he probably didn’t even notice. He turned to me, and smiled. “Do you want to go first?”

“Sure! If you were marooned on an island with anyone, who would you want it to be?” Wasn’t very creative, but it was a good one.

“You.”

I smiled, and felt my cheeks go pink. He didn’t hate me, he didn’t hate me… I had another chance.

“Do you like someone right now?” I nodded, and refrained from laughing when he went back to shouting. “WHO?”

“Last time I checked it was my turn!” Sassy Marco returns. My turn to interrogate him. I had to know. “Do you like someone?”

“Yes.” Oh my god. “But I can’t tell you who.” Damnit. But that meant...

“Well, to be fair, that means I won’t tell you who I like.”

He looked extremely pissed. “Fine. My question for you is… what do you find attractive in a boy?”

Oh. Well, let’s see. I like their first name to start with ‘J’, and end with ‘ean’. I smiled.

“Well, I like for them to know who they are. They need to have a sense of belonging, and know- and know that they belong.” I stared at the roof. That made no sense. “I also want for them to like food. Food is important in every relationship.” Jean nodded. Was he taking note? Probably to narrow down who I liked. I decided to play around with him. “I also like nice boys.”

He sighed. It was as if he was thinking ‘well, no one I know then’. I could have killed myself laughing. But there was one more thing. This would probably give him a huge hint.

“They also need to be special to me.”

Jean looked down, as if he was thinking. I was wondering who he had narrowed it down to, but I decided not to ask for fear of his answer. I watched him thinking, and thought myself. He might think Connie. How awkward would that be. Connie is kinda nice I guess. You know what else is nice? Jean’s hair. It really suits him. And his eyes. And his smile. The knowing smile he’s giving me right now, it’s really… oh.

I snapped out of it, and smiled back at him. He looked tired, and my head hurrrrt.

“We should get some sleep. Not that I want to, but I think I am getting an ache head- hake head- head ache?” I stared at the ceiling. Don’t give me that look ceiling. Tell me the answer. And all of your secrets. How do you not get dusty?

Jean laughed. “Yeah, let’s sleep.”

We made our way to our bedroom eventually, swaying back and forth. He went and collapsed on my bed, curling up into my sheets, and sighing. I looked over at Jean’s bed, and realised that I couldn’t just take his bed. He probably didn’t even realise he was in my bed. I couldn’t sleep on the floor either, a hangover was going to be bad enough. I had no other choice. None. That’s what I told myself. No… what do you mean we had a sofa?

I laughed lightly, hearing him take another deep breath.“I see how it’s gonna work.”

And without thinking about it any harder, I collapsed beside him on my bed.

He mumbled something in his sleep, and wrapped his arms around me.

Okay then.

Turns out Jean is a big spoon?

I fell asleep with the weight of his hand on my waist.

\----------

“Marco?!”

I cleared my throat, and opened my eyes. My head pounded, and my throat was raw. I turned around, and saw a confused looking Jean, stared wide eyes at me. I cleared my throat as best I could. “Gurdmerning”

“Holy- oh my God-” He struggled to disentangle our legs, but I stopped his from trying. I turned around so that we were facing each other, and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my hands into the small of his back. He leaned into my touch.   
“Relax. You are the one who fell asleep in my bed anyway.”

He sighed, and leaned his head away from mine. Why? “Am I allowed to continue sleeping here for a few hours?”

I smiled. “Sure.”

He dozed off, but I stayed awake a while longer, simply to see what he would do. I was glad I did… it gave me a good idea of Jean’s true self.

It was also quite scary.

Jean’s right hand ended up on my waist, pressing lightly. A few times, his fingers lingered to my belt loops. His left hand snaked it’s way to under my neck, and his head moved forward so that his forehead was pressed against mine. His nose nudged against mine, and it was so tempting to just… kiss him.

Then the killer came.

His legs re-wrapped themselves around mine, and his whole torso pressed against my chest, his hips against my hips. Then I felt it.

I decided that I should fall asleep just in case.

\----------

“ARE YOU TWO ALIVE OR NOT?”

Jean mumbled under his breath. He was still asleep somehow. “Noooo, my head hurrrts. And leave meee and Marrrco alloooone.” Oh no Jean.

I lifted my head up to whisper into his ear. “Sasha and Connie are back! We have to get up! We haven’t cleaned up from last night… and we kinda…” I pointed at our legs.

“Holy crap we are so screwed.” Jean rolled over me, and landed on the ground wrapped up in sheets and his own limbs. I laughed into the pillow.

“I don’t think this matters anymore.”  What? I lifted my head up from the pillow and was met with Jean pulling his jeans down. I didn’t even turn away. I had found my aesthetic.

Jean’s ASSthetic.

I rolled out of bed, and did the same. I could tell he watched me, his blush kinda showed it. Guess we were even now. I pulled an old Nirvana shirt over my head, and glanced at Jean.

We were both wearing grey sweatpants, and some form of shirt. We both looked like drunks.

Ohhhhh.

“Let’s face them.”

We edged our way out into the main room, and Jean looked like he was about to kill himself laughing. I was proud of myself.

We trashed the place.

Music played, and Connie and Sasha were walked around the room looking disgusted. The floor was covered with beer bottles and shot glasses, and lemon and salt was sitting on the tables and multiple other place, smelling rank. An even more disgusted looking Armin walked out from the toilet, sighing.

“There is vomit all over the floor.”

He straight away washed his hands.

Eren appeared, and looked directly at Jean. “Two things dude. One, you have an Xbox AND a Playstation? And two, what is up with you?” He waved his hands around madly, looking at us. He looked almost amused. “What happened last night?”

“We got drunk.” I grinned, and Jean laughed.

Connie groaned, and rolled his eyes. “You don’t say.”

“It was the best.” Jean and I high-fived, and looked back the the small crowd. “Good morning everyone. Eren, Armin. Connie, where is the Panadol?”

\----------

“DIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Jean leaned to the right, twisting his controller at the same time. “Marco. No matter how much you scream-” He bashed a whole heap of buttons, and then groaned. “-if won’t make the enemy die faster.”  
Connie laughed, and stole the controller of Jean, who swiped to grab it back off him.

There was a ringing noise, and Jean’s phone started vibrating across the TV set.

Connie decided to point out the obvious. “Jean, your phones ringing.”

Jean reached over, and looked at the caller ID. His face instantly fell as he paused the game and pressed the answer button.

“Hello, Father.”

Oh.

“Please, I’m with friends-”

What was happening?

“Désolé, père. Pourquoi appelez-vous?”

WHAT? Connie laughed, and I stared at Jean.

“Ah, celui est grand. Dites-lui I dit salut.”

Grand… good? Salut means hello right?

“Je dois venir? Je suis réellement occupé ce soir - ugh… - Au rev-”

Jean dropped the phone, and glared at it. “Au revior.” That meant goodbye. My head was spinning. Character development just smacked me over the face.

“Ce qui si je ne veux pas aller à votre dîner stupide? Je ne veux pas être ignoré toute la nuit. Ce n'est ainsi pas-”

Connie laughed. “You are still speaking in French, Jean.”

“Sorry. Marco?” I looked up, and grinned at Jean.

“You’re bilingual?”

“Uh, yeah… apparently.”

“You have to teach me. That is so cool. You have to teach me French so that we can like talk in it in front of other people and they won’t know what we are saying but we do… ohmigosh.”

Connie was staring at me incredulously. Jean smiled.

“I’ll teach you once I get back from this stupid dinner my dad’s forcing me into.” Dinner? What dinner? When?

“When are you coming back?” Please by tonight, please by tonight.

“Tomorrow. Sometime in the morning. If my dad is holding a dinner with friends, I am forced to stay up for the night, and watch them get drunk. I have to speak in French to people I don’t care about… wear crappy suits… WAIT. Connie! What’s the time?”

“1:45.”

“CRAP. I need to go and get into that stupid suit and be ready to be picked up-” Jean got up and ran out of the room, and I ran out to follow him with only one thought on my mind. Jean. In a suit.

“I need to see you in a suit. It is vital.” I laughed, and Jean rolled his eyes as he disappeared into our bedroom. I waited in the hallway for the big reveal.

\----------

Jean walked out of the room, and it was like an instant transformation. He went from hot hipster to sexy prom date.

“You look great!” It was lie. He looked hands down delicious. My mind was on overload. I felt drunk all over again.

“I look like a phony more like. Help me with my tie.”

I walked up, and laced his tie for him. I tightened it around his neck, just enough to be comfortable. I brushed his neck slightly as I moved down to straighten it. I met his eyes, and he looked into them… this was different from every other time. This time it meant something else completely. And I could tell.

His eyes quickly wandered to my lips, and I swallowed quickly. People only look at your lips when… now was my chance. He looked back at my eyes, and they were wanting. I wasn’t imagining this. It was about to happen.

I moved my hands to his chest, and pushed him lightly against the wall beside him. I moved my lips closer to his. He closed his eyes, and leaned in. One inch, just one inch until I-

“Wow Jean! Haven’t seen you in a tux since primary graduation!”

I jumped back from Jean, slamming myself again the opposite wall. I quickly turned to face Connie, and glared at him. His eyes widened, and his face contorted slightly. I was about to say something that consisted mainly of profanities, when Jean yelled out.

“OH! IT’S 2:10! I NEED TO GO! BYE!”

There was a slam as he ran out the door, and the sound reverberated down the hallway. I turned back to Connie and death glared him.

“Wait. Hang on… were you guys about to-”  
“YES CONNIE. I WAS ABOUT TO PUSH HIM AGAINST A WALL AND SHOVE MY TONGUE DOWN HIS THROAT.”

“Oh my god.”

“YEAH. THANKS FOR THAT.”

I walked back down the hallway, pushing my way past Connie. I went straight to the fridge, grabbing myself a beer and sitting down on the (now clean) sofa. Connie came out, and sat down beside me.

“Dude, I am so sorry… How long has this been happening?”

“It hasn’t.”

“What? But you guys got drunk last night…”

“Nothing happened. Well… I told him I was gay. And then accidentally ended up pinning him to the sofa. But nothing actually happened.” Sadly.

“Hmmm.”

“You can’t tell anyone.” I turned to glare at him, and he shivered.

“Okay. But what about this morning?”

“Huh?”

“Well… he was sporting one hell of a tent.”

“Ughhhhhhh.” I sunk back into the sofa. Please engulf me. Take me away. I would like to be anywhere but here right now.

“Did anything happ-”

“He had a boner when we were cuddling… does that count?”

“Oh dear. Wait. You were cuddling? Shit, I’m glad I didn’t come in-”

“He doesn’t exactly know.”

“What? Did you like… cuddle rape him?”

“NO! He cuddled me. I didn’t stop it though. Oh god, I am the actual worst.”

“Well, since it is obvious now that you like him, we just need to find out if he likes you.”

“Yeah, I guess. How?”

“I’m leaving you to it. You know him better than any of us.”

“Okay. Thanks Connie. Don’t tell anyone. Not even Sasha.”

“Okay, I promise. Sorry, Marco.”

“It’s okay, it’s not your fault, I guess.” I grabbed my beer and laptop, and went back to my bedroom. This is awful, I can’t believe I let that happen. And me seeing ‘want’ in his eyes… that didn’t happen! He didn’t want to kiss me! He was scared! What have I done?

I turned my sad playlist on (we all have one), and lay down on my bed. Ugh, it still smelt like Jean. Chocolate and alcohol. I drowned my beer, and then lay back on bed, smelling Jean’s scent. I was spending the night alone.

\----------

I woke up at 5pm when Connie came in and said that he, Sasha and the others were going out for dinner and a movie, did I want to come?

“No thanks, bathing in my own depression at moment.”

“Okay. Well, just a warning, Sasha’s gonna be sleeping here tonight, so if you want to go and sleep at Armin’s or something, they’ll happily let you in.”

“Mmmmkay. Thanks.” What did he say? I couldn’t hear it over Coldplay singing about lost love and DEATH.

Connie closed the door with a reassuring smile, and left me alone in my little room of loneliness. I lifted my hand above my head, and stared at my fingers, cursing them. How dare you press Jean into a wall. Bad fingers.

I blamed anyone but myself.

I looked at the walls, they were covered with pictures of Jean and I, and of course all of Jean’s paintings of us. I loved him so much, but he could never know. Ever.

I looked over at my desk as my laptop screen lit up. I groaned, and dragged myself ot my desk.

**  
  
**

Armin Arlert:  
Hey, are you coming to the movies?

**  
  
**

Screw it. Connie could tell him. I closed the lid of my laptop, and sighed. I looked over at Jean’s side of the desk, he had taken his phone and keys with him. At least I had some way of contact with him. Then I noticed the black book. What was that?

I slid over, and looked at the label.

**  
  
**

Jean Kirschtein  
TROST UNIVERSITY  
If found, please return to Room 1, Level 9, Rose Tower  
SKETCH BOOK

**  
  
**

Sketch book? What else had he drawn?

I opened it, and the first page was obviously just face shape practise. Pretty average.

The next page was full of eyes, all brown and with thick lashes. The next page was lips, average size, lightly pink. The next page was noses, all button noses.

With freckles?

I skipped back, and looked at the eyes and lips again. Those were my eyes. And those were my lips. And the faces… they all round cheeks… just like mine. I turned the desk light on, and saw imprint shadows. They even had freckles on them, they had just been rubbed out. Why?

I went back to where I was, and skipped to the next page. Then I thought that maybe I should stop. This was private property, I shouldn’t be looking.

The next page was just text. I looked at it, and realised it had been written in a hurry. And with my pen? I only got that after class on Thursday… the day me and Jean got drunk. That means he must have written this sometime between then and now. May as well just start reading.

**  
  
**

DEAR PERSON GOING THROUGH THIS RIGHT NOW

If you have gotten this far, then you have gotten too far already. Unless you are Marco, in which case keep going. Or Eren, in which case go bury yourself you gross human being. Or Connie, stop going through my stuff. And definitely don’t go into the mini-fridge LOL  
But if you are Marco, please feel free to go on. I’m writing this on our first Thursday of lessons, and you’ve just agreed to get drunk with me. I wasn’t expecting that, but it happened obviously. You’re currently down at your car, making room for the alcohol. You are so worried about being found, it’s kind of cute.  
Anyway, please go on, and don’t be mad at me. I might tell you why later. Depending on how you take it. It just started happening all of a sudden, and I couldn’t be bothered to get rid of them. Besides, you might like them. I don’t know.  
Please don’t think I’m weird, and think me saying this is weird, but you are really damn attractive.  
You’re also yelling at me telling me to hurry up, and that “maybe if we hurry they won’t sense the unrest we are in. They can probably smell trouble.” The police that is. Anyway, thank you. Thank you so much. If you do find this tell me, and we can talk about it, cause that’s really what we need to do. I think it’s about time that I were straight with you. Actually, that sentence is kinda funny looking back at it. Doesn’t matter.

Jean

**  
  
**

What on earth is he going on about? And that’s what he was doing! He told me the zip on his jean’s was broken. Liar.

I flipped over to the next page, and almost fell out of my chair. Me. Lots of me.  
Me making coffee, me smiling, me at the pool, me in class… it was amazing. I flipped over to the next page, and it was even more of me. Me playing piano, me looking cheeky, me blushing… next page. Now it was getting freaky. I could tell what he was talking about now.  
Me stretching… with no shirt on. That was the afternoon of Monday, when I was getting cramps! Me with a PopTart half in my mouth, pulling a weird face. There was even a note under it; ‘how do you do it?’  
Me laughing, and holding an ugly sweater at the shops; ‘you would have looked great in it :)’

Me SLEEPING. There was a few pages worth of that, and just one note; ‘see what i mean when i say you’re beautiful?’

Me dancing, from the night when we were drunk; ‘you were dancing to One Direction you loser’

Me leaning back into the sofa, holding a beer; ‘who do you like, i need to know’

Me downing a shot; ‘teach me your ways, yoda’

Me talking; ‘am i special to you?’

Me when I had him pinned to the sofa; ‘why did you stop?’

Me when I was crying on the floor; ‘i’m sorry’

Me when I was crying, but me managed to make me smile; ‘i want you to open your eyes’

Me looking up at the roof, confused; ‘then you might realise’

Me from just a few hours ago, when we were playing Halo; ‘i’ll tell you soon’

Me having just woken up; ‘you nerd. stop being cute. i’m meant to marry a girl’

Huh?

Then the most recent one… me and him, him looking at me with a strange expression on his face… almost dopey. The note was longer.

‘it makes sense now. why i care so much about who you like. why i get butterflies whenever you talk to me. why i find myself being so protective over you. it all makes sense. i just hope you feel the same way.’

I do Jean. Oh my god, I do.

\----------

I managed to fall asleep eventually, but I woke up again just before 1am.

SLAM.

The front door closed, and there were feet down the hallway, which made their way into Connie’s room. I listened carefully, and heard the creaking of Connie’s bed. Then I realised what was going on.

“Oh my GOD. SASHA.”

I put my hand against the wall that me and Connie shared, and it vibrated against my hand, in time with the beds creaks.

“No way.”

I jumped out of my bed, and backed towards the opposite wall. I tripped over a pile of clothes, and landed sprawled on Jean’s bed.

“Sasha, Sasha.. I think-”

“Conn-connnnnniiieee”

I shook, and wrapped myself up in the bedsheets. This couldn’t be happening. Why didn’t they warn me? Oh. They did.

“...well, just a warning, Sasha’s gonna be sleeping here tonight, so if you want to go and sleep at Armin’s or something, they’ll happily let you in…”

It was too late now. Armin and Eren would be asleep, if they hadn’t been woken by Sasha and Connie’s screams. Gross. I smashed my head into the pillow. Chocolate Axe? Oh, that’s right, I’m in Jean’s bed.

Jean.

I climbed to the other side of the bed, and did some crazy yoga posed to pick my phone up off the desk. Once I had it, I climbed back and hid myself under Jean’s covers.

**  
  
**

To: Jean  
Jean?

To: Jean  
Please be awake.

To: Jean  
I need help.

**  
  
**

Looks as if I’m toughing this one out on my own. We don’t own any ear-muffs, do we?

**  
  
**

To: Jean  
Helppppppppp :”(

From: Jean  
dude r u okay? whats wrong?

**  
  
**

Oh thank god.

**  
  
**

To: Jean  
They are being really LOUD

From: Jean  
who? how?

To: Jean  
Connie and Sasha. They forgot I was home. And the walls are really thin. :’(

From: Jean  
coming. c u soon ;)

**  
  
**

What?

I sighed, and covered my ears with Jean’s pillows. Please hurry.

\----------

Jean knocked on the door, and I sat up quickly. I was still in his bed. Oh shit.

He walked in, and looked at me through the dark.

“I’m sorry. You bed was further away from the wall.” I shook, and glanced at the wall.

“Sashaaaaaa”

Jean gasped, and rushed over to me. He had changed into jean’s but kept on his button up and tie. He looked super cute. But that wasn’t the point.

He hopped onto the bed beside me, and curled up. Our sides were touching, but I still thought there was too much of a gap. “I’m sorry I made you come out here at this time.”

“It was my choice. You didn’t ask.”

Good point. I smiled. “Thank you.” I rested my head on his shoulder, and he buried his face in my hair. I pretended that I didn’t notice him smell me. I knew everything now.

He smiled into my scalp. “Let’s try and sleep.” But I don’t want to go back to my bed! “You can sleep here if you want?” Yes please.

“Thanks, Jean.” We lay down, but there was still space between us. It was closed quickly, as we both snuggled up closer to each other. The best part of it, was that he was still awake when he did.

\----------

“Marco…” He sounded half asleep.

I nuzzled my head further into his chest. “What?”

“It’s 12pm.” He ran a hand through my hair, and I smiled. He obviously wasn’t awake at all. He was being the complete opposite of ‘no-homo’ at the moment.

“So?”

Jean laughed lightly, and moved his hand down to the small of my back. “Waking up is a thing people do.”

“That’s gross.” I leaned in even closer to him, not wanting this to stop.

“What do you want to do then?” His fingers slipped under the hem of my shirt, and started tracing circles. He was breathing heavily. He wasn’t going to remember this, at all.

“Go back to sleep.” I decided to take my chance, and I moved my hand up to his neck, and played with the short hairs there. He sighed, and pulled me further up to him so that he was face to face with me. His eyes were closed and he was smiling in his sleep.

“5 morre mints.”

I smiled, and he pushed his face into my neck, nuzzling into the space there. I could feel his nose and his lips on my neck, but he wasn’t kissing me. Close, but never close enough. We stayed like that for a few minutes, when the door opened a crack.

Connie peeped in, and his eyes widened when he saw us. I lifted my hand away from Jean’s neck, and put my pointer finger against my lips. Connie nodded and smiled.

“You guys are gonna do it.”

Jean was well and truly asleep, so I whispered a reply. “What, like you and Sasha last night?”

Connie sighed. “Sorry, dude. I did warn you.”

“Fair enough. We don’t talk about this, okay? He’s asleep.”

“Yep, got it.”

Jean groaned all of a sudden, and grabbed my hand. He then placed it back on his neck.

Connie laughed. “Shit, dude. Never expected him to be a cuddler.”

“I’m not complaining. Now shut up and leave us alone.”

Connie smiled and nodded, closing the door behind him. At least he could be polite about it.

I waited a few more minutes, and Jean’s eyes fluttered against my neck. He pulled his head away, and placed it back on the pillow beside me. His eyes opened partially, and he smiled.

“Hey, Marrrrco.”

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty.”

“Awwww, thanks.” He laughed lightly, and moved his hand from my back to my cheek.

“Your 5 minutes is up. But I’ll let you have 5 more, since I wanna sleep.”  
“Noooope. We’re waking up now.”

“But Jeeeeean.” My eyes drooped, and I moved my hand down Jean’s torso to rest it on his hip.

Jean yawned. Oh, he was waking up for real now. Should I move my hand or not?

Jean moved the hand from my cheek to my hand that was on his hip. I guess that was a no. I yawned myself, and when I opened my eyes again, Jean was looking at me, smiling.

“Jean, are you awake for real now?”

“Yeah, why?”

So he was ‘holding’ my hand because he wanted to… that was somehow important to me. But he wasn’t actually holding my hand… maybe I could change that. I moved my hand so that we were holding hands, and Jean seemed fine with it. His eyes were closed again though.

“Jeeean.”

“I’m awake, I’m awake. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Oh, just after the events of last night.”

I groaned, and Jean squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. If you’re gonna be in this dorm, it’s best to get used to it now.” Great. “Hey, we should get up now.”

“But Jeeeaaaaan.” I curled up, resting my head up against his chest. Please be okay with this, please be okay with this.

Jean wrapped his arms around me, and pressed his hands against my back, holding me closer to his body. “No.”

“That’s not what your hands are saying.” Oh no. That was bad. What have I done.

“We don’t question what my hands do.”

And then one hand travelled up to my neck, and the other to my… uh… very low back. Not my butt… just the space of back above that. He should have gone lower though.

“Jean!”

He laughed, and freed me a little. There was now space between our torsos, but our legs were still entangled. One hand stayed on my hip, and the other in the space between our chests. I moved into the same position as him, my hand resting lazily on his hip.

“Sorry about that, if it made you uncomfortable.” He was blushing slightly, and smiling.

“No, it’s fine. Can I say something that might sound weird?”

“Go ahead.” His gaze focused on me, and I blushed.

“Icouldgetusedtothissobecareful.”

He laughed, and grinned at me. “I can’t believe I couldn’t tell you were gay before.”

“OI!” I laughed, and grabbed the hand that was doing nothing. Yes! We were holding hands again. “You’re just really comfortable.” And don’t act like you’re not enjoying this. I’ve read your sketch book, lover boy.

Jean’s cheeks went slightly pink, and he started playing with my fingers, closing his eyes. Was he still asleep? Come on… I want this to count. I feel like we’re already in a relationship. As if realising what was going on, he let go of my hand, and moved his hand away from my waist.

“Mmmm. Whatever you say.” He grinned, and rolled out of bed.

“Noooooooo. I’m not getting up.” I curled into a ball, missing the feeling of his hands on me.

“No matter what?” He was giving me a look, and my mind was going places that it really shouldn’t be.

“That’s what she said.”

“Really, Marco? Really?” He laughed, and knelt down on the floor so our eyes were aligned. “Well, guess what Jean says?”

I almost said “ring a ding ding ding ding da ding da ding”, but I thought that would be taking it a bit too far. “What does Jean say?”

He grinned, and leaned in really close to my ear.

“Food.”

\----------

Jean acted like none of it ever happened, and it kinda hurt. I thought we had taken a serious step, but it was nothing. We got dressed, and everything was going normally until Sasha arrived.

“GUYS! WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? WAIT! I have the perfect shirts for you two!”

Jean groaned, and I hid my face in my hands. Jean was the first one to protest. “Do we have to wear them?”

“YES. I will pay you to wear them!”

Money? I needed some of that. I was saving up for birthday and Christmas presents, also for a Halloween costume. I needed money.

“Really?” I grinned, and Jean shaked his head beside me.

“You’ll regret this.”

Probably.

“We’ll do it!” Me and Sasha shook hands over it, and Sasha ran out of the dorm to grab the shirts. “What have I gotten myself into?”

Connie laughed, and shook his head, wiping tears from his eyes. “She was going to waiting until Christmas to give these to you guys! When she saw you together for the first time, she thought… doesn’t matter. You’ll see.”

Sasha ran back into the room, looking scarily proud of herself. He held up the shirts, and I only decided not to laugh for the sake of Jean.

They were rainbow ‘no homo’ t-shirts.

Connie and Sasha were screaming and laughing so loudly, mainly at Jean’s reaction. Which was to stand there looking extremely pissed. I went over and took it, put it on with a shrug. I threw the other one at Jean, and he put it on silently.

I tried to look as straight faced as possible as I went over to stand beside Jean.

“You guys look 200 per cent gay right now! It’s perfect!” Connie and Sasha both took photos, laughing crazily the whole time.

\----------

We sat down to a breakfast of PopTarts, as Connie and Sasha yelled at each other across the table about how excited they were for the party.

Jean whispered under his breath. “I am so sorry I got you into this.”

“It was my fault, I agreed to it.” I sighed. “Do you really feel so bad wearing the shirt?”

“Well, it’s not my cup of tea, but I think it will be a hit nonetheless. At least you are wearing the matching one.” He smiled, and at first I couldn’t believe it. I grinned overat him, as he started blushing. “L-like… at least it not… I dunno Eren or something.. like… no-homo.”

There it was.

“Do you realise how ironic that is?” I shook my head, laughing. “And really, no-homo? Like… not even a little bit homo?” Come on Jean. Please say it. Just for me. Please.

“Okay… quite a bit homo.” He smiled and blushed.

I was so happy. “Fully homo over here.”

We started laughing really loudly, despite the fact that it wasn’t even that funny. Sasha yelled over us, alerting us of something we had completely missed.

“Hey, guys! The party’s already started! She said it started at 2! It’s THREE O’CLOCK. WE NEED TO GO!”

I said I was getting my phone, which I did. I also stopped by Jean’s sketchbook.

Under his last note, I wrote just two words.

‘I do.’

\----------

Once we had marched through the onslaught of drunk friends and compliments on our shirts, me and Jean sat down at the bar and started drinking.

“Okay, lets get to the basis. Reiner’s type of drunk is sexually angry drunk. Don’t mess with him, he’ll be clinging to Bertl no doubt. Bertl is nervous drunk. No surprise there. I don’t know about Annie, or Mikasa to be honest, so maybe leave them alone. Annie always looks like she wants to skin you alive anyway.” Me and Jean looked at Annie on the other side of the room, who glared back at us. Jean turned back to me, and I shivered.

“Anyway, Eren is the crazy drunk, just like Armin. He will forget your name, as you saw him do back there.” I remembered Eren walking up to Jean, and calling him ‘Jen’. “It’s normal. Ymir is talkative drunk, and Christa is sleepy drunk. On the other hand, Sasha and Connie just triple their normal score on the annoying scale. Have fun!”

We both laughed, scanning the room together.

“Hey Marco, Jean.” He was looking very unsteady on his feet, and was drooling. He grabbed two beers, and grinned at us both on the stools. “Nice shirts! Where didcha get them? I should order two for me and Bertl.”

I sighed, and rolled my eyes. Jean watched me, smiling stupidly to himself. He wasn’t very good at hiding it… it took me way too long to notice.

Jean suddenly grinned, and bounced in his chair. “Guess what song’s next?”

“What song?”

“Open Your Eyes, by Snow Patrol.” I smiled. He remembered. He always does. “I like to think of it as our song.” I wasn’t the only one. Jean suddenly started up again. “Like, it just describes what we are going through perfectly, and then in the kitchen-”

He was worried. I may as well just admit it to him. “No, I think of it like that as well.”

The grin I got in turn for admitting was worth every word.

I suddenly had an idea, but I ignored the little voice in my head saying that it would ruin everything. I listened to the much louder counterpart, saying ‘do it’.

“Let’s make it our song!” I laughed, grabbing his wrist and pulling him onto the dancefloor. We started dancing really badly, when the song started. When out song started. I close my eyes, and started singing.

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I won’t waste a minute without you.”

I was back. I always felt so much more at home when I was singing. It was comforting, and it just fuels me. I smiled as I sang, and swayed along the music.

“My bones ache, my skin feels cold. And I’m getting so tired and so old.”

I was aching, and my skin was always cold. I wasn’t always happy like everyone thought I was. The only person I could be truly happy around was Jean, and I was lucky enough to wake up to his presence this morning, and act and say what I wanted to say. With an exception. I hadn’t said the words that really meant everything. But that time was coming soon. Soon.

“The anger swells in my guts. And I won’t feel these slices, and cuts.”

I paused in my thoughts, and understood that I couldn’t get ahead of myself. Jean still didn’t know how scarred I was, and how angry I can get at the smallest things. It was best that he never found out. But I knew the time would come eventually. I knew the time would come when I’d have to tell him about my sister.

I heard someone sniffling, and I opened up my eyes to see Jean standing in front of me, completey still. A single tear ran down his right cheek.

“I want so much to open your eyes, cause I need you to look into mine.”

I didn’t sing the lyrics for the hell of it. I sung them because they mattered. I needed Jean to know and understand, I was here for him. I was here to stay. I am a person to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, a body you can cuddle up close to, and know that no matter what the situation is, you will be held close.

Another tear ran down, and I caught it with my finger. Please don’t cry Jean. Please. You don’t deserve Depression. No one does, but definitely not you. I leaned in closer, and he closed his eyes.

“Tell me that you’ll open your eyes.”

I lift my hand up to his cheek, swiping the tears away. He opened his eyes, and looked up at me. I moved my hands to his shoulders, and he leaned in closer.

“Tell me that you’ll open your eyes.”

Jean’s eyes shined, and he moved his hands to my waist.

I should have been used to it, thinking back to that morning. But that was so much different. He was fully awake now, and we were in public. This was the real Jean. He’d tossed out all his filters, and he was showing me who he really was, what he really wanted to do.

“Tell me that you’ll open your eyes.”

It was time that I showed him me. The real me.

“Tell me that you’ll open your eyes.”

I leaned in really closely, and lifted his chin up, so that his eyes were on me. The tears had stopped, and his eyes were just shining brightly. I looked at the silver lights in his eyes, the disco ball reflecting pretty patterns onto his golden iris. He looked at me with a certain look in his eye, and I smiled as I told him what he told me to tell him.

“I found your sketchbook.”

Then I kissed him.

**  
  
**

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I won’t waste a minute without you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BE RIGHT BACK, SCREAMING OVER JEANMARCO FEELS
> 
> I was so close to naming this chapter "i'm meant to marry a girl" XD


	6. Ellie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vodka biscuits, lap dances, and dubstep. Oh, and angst. We need after last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAH. UPDATING TWICE IN ONE DAY? DAMN STRAIGHT.

“Coming out of my cage, and I’ve been doing just fine. Gotta, gotta be down, ‘cause I want it all.”

\--Mr Brightside, The Killers

**  
  
**

“All this feels strange and untrue, and I won’t waste a minute without you.”

Jean hid his face in my shirt as soon as he sang the last lyrics with me, and he didn’t come out for a while. His eyes were red though, which should that he was blushing. Not that I wasn’t.

“M-Marco…”

Jean had started crying into my shoulder. What? This wasn’t part of my plan.

“Are you okay Jean?” He lifted his head up, and looked at me. He had never smiled so widely before, I had never seen him so happy. Tears were streaming down his face, and his smile was so genuine that I thought I might cry as well.

“Armin! You owe me $20! I called it!”

“Bertl! You owe me as well!”

No way, Eren and Reiner? I looked across the dance floor, and saw Connie. He smiled in my direction, giving me the thumbs up. “Good job!”  
“What did I miss?” Ymir marched into the room with Christa hanging drunkenly off her arm, and grinned when she saw Jean in my arms and people exchanging money.“Oh ho ho. You all owe me!”

I pulled Jean towards the bar, and sat him down on a bar stool.

“Do we have to talk this out?” I pulled a couple of beers out of the cooler, and cracked them open. “Because to be honest, I think you know how I feel now. I’m just questioning your sexuality now.”

“You don’t even know. I’ve been questioning my sexuality ever since we got drunk.” He grabbed the beer from me, and chugged almost all of it in one breath. He was drunk. He was drunk. Okay, stop freaking out… you can think about all of this later. Just savour while you still believe.

“Okay. Is your sexuality in my favour?”

“Definitely.”

“Good.” I smiled, and sipped from my beer. “So… uh… thoughts on… trying out… you know?”

“A relationship? Hell yeah.” He finished the rest of his beer, and grinned.

What if he was just drunk? What if that kiss was just him being really drunk? Oh God. I need to loosen up. Enjoy the night.

Or forget it.

I took a shot Jean had offered me, and downed it without a second thought. I then drank my whole beer. “Oh my God.” I breathed heavily, recovering from the drinking. “I have a boyfriend.” I grinned, and Jean smiled cheekily back at me.

“So do I!” We high-fived, and laughed at how idiotic we were being. “Hey, can we do that again?”

I laughed. “What… high-five?”

“No. This!” His lips smashed against mine, and I forgot about all of my worries. Everything was going to be fine.

\----------

About 6 shots later, I was absolutely drunk. Jean had only had four, and thought I had had the same amount as him. He wasn’t drinking to forget.

“JAGERBOMB TIME!” I ran to the kitchen, and jumped up and down. I needed another drink. There was only a small crown now, most people had left. It was just the people left from the swimming party plus Ymir and Christa. I knew them all, so I could completely let loose.

We drowned the Jagerbomb’s at the same time, and then started celebrating again. Everyone was drunk. Very drunk. We weren’t going to remember this tomorrow.

What was I ever worrying about before? I can’t remember.

I was still holding onto Jean, and looking at him hungrily. I then thought of something funny, and decided to humor Jean. I grabbed the Jagermeister bottle, and Jean’s attention.

“Hey Liver. How’s it going down there? I have some bad news for you.” I drowned a few mouthfuls of the stuff, and it left a good burn in my throat. Ah, the sweet feeling of future liver problems. “Evolution is going to eliminate me.”

Jean laughed, and kissed me again.

“HEY E’RYBODYYYY! LET’S PLAY SOME DARE OR DARE!” I jumped up, and ran towards the dancefloor, letting go of Jean.

“Marco!?”

“Polo!” Jean came over and sat beside me while everyone laughed along with me. I was pretty damn hilarious. I leaned over, and put my head in Jean’s lap.

Reiner went first. “Armin! I dare you to make-out with Eren.”

And damn, did they make-out. Jean was staring open mouthed at them, but I was just laughing. Maybe Eren should be questioning his sexuality as well.

Armin was next. “Annie! I dare you to talk dirty to this!”

Armin picked up a stray bottle, and tossed it at Annie who caught it deftly. She looked straight at it, and said something I couldn’t hear. It was obviously pretty dirty, Reiner was looking suggestively at Bertholdt at the end, and Bertholdt was grinning.

Annie’s turn. “Jean!” YES. “I dare you to…” Reiner whispered something in her ear, and the room went into complete silence as the music cut out, Annie was now holding the unplugged iPod. “I dare you to grind on…” Me me me me! “Marco.”

YES.

The music echoed around the room. “Now baby grind on me…”

I lay down on the ground, and looked up at Jean.

He sighed, and did sometimes of weird body roll motion. He didn’t even touch me. That was disappointing. The music paused, and everyone started laughing. Jean fell down on top of me, and I gave him my most suggestive look.

“Could have done better. We can practise later… Do it for the Vine.”

Jean laughed madly, and went back to his place. It was Jean’s turn to dare someone.

“Bertl! I dare you to lap-dance on Reiner!”

Jean smirked, but gasped when Bertl actually did it… and quite meaningfully.

I dozed off later on, and was only woken up when there was a smash.

Ymir’s TV was broken on the ground, and Reiner was standing looking at it like the TV had asked for it.

We were told to go home then.

\---------

Jean handed me my cup of coffee, and I took it sadly. I didn’t want to ‘sober up’ or whatever this was. I wanted to forget everything.

Jean and Connie said they were going to go and play CoD for a little while before bed, and did I want to join? I said no, I had a headache, and went straight to bed. Sasha stayed in the study room with Jean and Connie, while I headed back to my bed. Okay, Jean’s bed. I was allowed to sleep there now.

We were in a relationship.

I poured my mug of coffee down the sink, and trudged down the hallway, collapsing in a heap on Jean’s bed.

He was drunk. He really wasn’t going to remember it in the morning.

The kiss meant nothing.

Nothing at all.

When Jean finally came and joined me in bed, I made sure to face the wall.

\----------

I woke up at 1am, and any alcohol in my system was gone. I was sober, and that wasn’t okay. I got out of bed carefully, making sure I didn’t wake up Jean. I picked up my keys, and went to the shops.

\----------

I opened up the door to our dorm, and squeezed myself and all of the bags full of ingredients through. I like buscuitss, and I also like vodka. So vodka buscuits couldn’t turn out too badly… right?

I put the bags down on the floor, and went over to the sink. A message was on the table, and I read through it quickly.

**  
  
**

Spending the night at Sasha’s, don’t want to hear you ad Jean boning. Be safe, and use protection

Connie

**  
  
**

Smug little son of a bitch. I can’t have sex with someone who only kisses me when they’re drunk.

I sighed, and reached for the vodka bottle and cordial under the sink. I grabbed a jug of cold water from the fridge and make vodka raspberry cordial. Sounded healthy. Also sounded like it would get me drunk. I downed the cup, and felt nothing. It wasn’t enough.

I grabbed a different vodka bottle, Jim Beam’s, and grabbed a bottle of coke out of the fridge. I poured the coke into my cup, only filling it a little over halfway. The rest of it was the vodka. I chugged half of it, and felt the familiar buzz. That was better.

I had 3 cups of that, and then started on a beer. Time to start cooking.

I put the ingredients out on the bench, and started getting the bowls out. I grabbed two bowls and put them on the bench. I grabbed the largest bowl we had, and tried to get it out from the top of the cupboard. It fell to the ground, and made a huge crashing sound.

Oops.

I leaned over and picked it up, planting it down on the table. I then grabbed my beer, and downed another half of it.

“Marco, it’s 2am. What are you doing?”

Jean was watching me from the other side of the bench, wiping his eyes sleepily.

“Oh! Hi Jean! I’m making biscuits!” I grabbed the floor, and poured some into the bowl. I hope that was close enough to two cups to make an okay batter.

“You are also drunk.”

“Yes! I am!” I finished my beer, and grabbed another one. I handed on to Jean while I was at it. He took it without questioning.

“So, what type of biscuits are you making?” He cracked open his beer, and took a swig.

“Choc-chip coconut ones.” With vodka. “My grandmother taught me how to make them!” Except without the vodka. I grabbed the mini choc-chip packets I had bought, and emptied two into the batter. The recipe said one, but I felt adventurous. I also craved chocolate.

“Can I help?”

“Yeah, sure! I would have woken you, but you look so peaceful when you sleep. You know… you don’t look like you want to commit mass homicide.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment…” He came around to join me, glancing half-heartedly at the recipe. “How is Connie not awake?”

“Oh, he decided to spend the night at Sasha’s.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He was complaining about something, but I was too drunk to remember what.” I started rolling up the now beautifully textured dough into balls, and placing them randomly on the trays I had set out.

“Mmm… complaining IS what he does best.” He sighed, and started rearranging my balls into a cleaner order. Hahaha… my balls. Wait.

“Marco, when did we get hold of all these ingredients?”

“I went and bought them.”

“When?”

“About an hour ago.”

“AN HOUR AGO? 1AM?” He sighed, and looked at me. “And why are you baking biscuits again?”

“I bake when I am stressed.” Mmmm. Or when I start thinking that my not-boyfriend might actually not like me, and might actually just be touchy drunk. My eyes started stinging from the oncoming threat of tears.

“Marco?” He stepped closer to me, and I immediately grabbed him, holding him to me, crying on his shoulder. Why couldn’t I keep it together? Why couldn’t I be normal? Why couldn’t I stay sober? Why doesn’t Jean love me? He sat me down on the sofa, and left for a minute. When he came back, he sat down beside me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I want to know if you really meant it.” I looked him in the eyes. “Or if it was just the alcohol speaking.”

“Marco… I don’t sleep with just anyone.” He paused, and looked down. “I have never felt this way before, but I already know that whatever this is I am feeling, it is special and it is no fluke. You mean so much to me, and seeing you like this hurts. Y-you are the world to me at the moment… b-because no one has e-ever given me the time of day.” He started crying violently. “T-thank you so much Marco… for fixing me.” He looked back up at me, a sad smile on his lips. “Thank you for opening my eyes, Marco. Now it’s my turn to open yours.”

That time he kissed me, and it was sober.

\----------

Jean jumped up at the alarm rang out, and sprinted away from the sofa. “Holy crap the biscuits!”

I listened carefully, but there was nothing. Then…

“Ghhhhhhhhhhaaaaaa.” I stood up, and walked over to the kitchen. Jean was lying down on the ground, clutching his hip, and clenching his teeth.

“Jean? Are you okay?”

“I hit. My hip. On the table. Call. An. Ambulance. These are. My final moments. Goodbye, Marco.”

I sat him up on the countertop, and we both laughed when we saw how burned the biscuits now were. We took some more shots, and lay down on the table together. We acted like ourselves, like nothing could ever go wrong.

We acted like we didn’t care that the biscuits were burnt.

We acted like we didn’t care that the world would look at us and think ‘gross’.

We acted like the world was now perfect, just because we were together.

\----------

“You blocked me on Facebook, prepare to die.”

Insert random screaming and dubstep sounds here.

We laughed madly, and I looked over at Jean, smiling so hard my cheeks hurt.

“We should probably eat the biscuits.”

“What if they taste like crap?” He picked one up, and stared at it like it was going to jump to life and eat him.

“They will taste amazing. You know how I know?” He shrugged, and I grinned. “You are drunk.”

“Good point.” He laughed, and bit carefully from the biscuit. His face stayed straight as he swallowed it, and then it was silent. “I think dough always tastes better without heat though.”

And then he presented me with a bowl full of cookie dough, chocolate, and vodka.

Oh, sweet heavens.

“You know me way too well.” I grabbed a handful, and shoved it into my mouth. It tasted absolutely amazing. I swallowed it, then realised that my imminent death was now upon me. “There were raw eggs in this.”

Jean choked, and then looked me right in the eyes. “But it still tastes EGGcelent!” Puns, Jean. Really. You disgusting human creature.

I can do so much better than that.

“That pun was awful, Jean. We all know I am the queen of puns, so don’t go CRACKING jokes with me.”

We laughed our way into the early hours of the morning.

\----------

I woke up on the table with a bad headache, and a mad looking Connie staring down at me. I looked over at Jean, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights. We burst out laughing, and I pulled him close to me. Connie cleared his throat, so I separated myself from Jean, and grinned up at him.

“Oh. Hey Connie! You hungry? We made some biscuits. They taste a little bit like they came out of Satan’s buthole but that’s fine.”

“You guys got drunk again.” Connie groaned, and threw his hands up in the air. He walked over to the couch, and collapsed. “I can’t leave you two alone anymore. The dorm is always left looking like a drunk elephant ran rampage through it.”

“Well, I was just following my new life quote.” I held my pointer finger out in the air, and put on a rich accent. “Take your pain and turn it into CHAMpagne.”

Connie threw a pillow at us, but we just laughed. He poked his head over the back of the sofa. “What are we going to do today?”

“Jean and I are going to go to the movies.” I winked at at him, and he grinned back.

“It’s a date.” Jean laughed, and hugged me. We went over to where Connie was, and collapsed on the sofa next him. I opened up the lid of my laptop, and opened my browser. The first tab that showed up was the showing times for Trost cinemas. Oh. I turned to Jean who was smiling at me.

“I was planning to ask you out for a few days now. I just didn’t know how to do it.” I blushed, and looked down. “I didn’t know if you were straight, I didn’t know what movie you would like… I didn’t know if you even thought of me as a good enough friend.” I sighed, and looked at Connie. I gave me look that asked one question. I nodded slightly, and he stood up and left.

Jean looked over at me. “Marco, you are the only friend I have ever truly had. Everyone else used me, but you helped me. It was a nice change. But it was even nicer knowing that you considered me as a friend.”

A silence passed between us, and I would never have been prepared from what Jean said next.

“Hey, Marco. What’s your family like?”

He said it so casually, but of course he would. He had a mother and a father. He didn’t have any siblings that he had to worry about dying.

Jean sat back, and I loosened up again. I fell back against him, and he held me close.

This was going to be a hard conversation.

“I-it’s good. My mum is a lovely woman, very nice, and she accepts me for what I am.” I paused, not knowing if I wanted to head down this track.“I have two brothers, one of them is 11, and lives at home with my mum. The other is 22 and works in Italy…”

“That’s nice! What are their names?”

“Luke, and Moblit. I haven’t seen Moblit in ages though, ever since he moved to Italy to work with…” I took a breath. And now it begins. Out of the frying pan, into the fire. “To work with my father.”

“Do you see your father often?”

I snuggled in closer to Jean, preparing myself. Here they come… “I haven’t seen him since I was 12… ever since…” ...there they go. I choked, and the tears came out all at once. I buried my face in Jean’s shirt, and closed myself of from the world. All except for Jean.

He had a right to hear this.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” But I have to Jean, I have to.

“N-no. I have to. Y-you have told me e-everything and I c-can’t keep this in for-forever.” He wiped my tears away, and I continued cautiously. “When I was 12, something big happened in the family, and no one was the same after it. I d-don’t know exactly what happened, but all I know is t-that my dad left my mum, and has n-never come back since. Moblit went with him, because a-apparently mum was too broken. I don’t know though. I wish I c-could have been there for her.” Why. Why. Why. It was all my fault. I was too self absorbed, and it turned the family into a jumble, and ripped us all apart. It was my fault.

“Why don’t you know what happened? Where were you?”

“I was in a coma.”

Jean body tensed beneath me. “How… how did you… what….”

“Lack of oxygen.” A sharp intake of breath. “I was drowning.”

“Why were you drowning? What happened? Are you… are you okay?” He looked down at me, and held me even tighter. “Marco, I’m here. Right here, right now. Anything you want to say, you can say it to me. Please Marco. I want to help you.”

“Please don’t make fun of me, please don’t laugh… interrupt… but… Jean, please PLEASE don’t leave me. Please!”

He kissed my forehead, and nuzzled his head into my hair, sniffing. “I’m here. Tell me everything.”

“I am a twin.” Wrong. “I was a twin.” Breathe. In. Out. It’s okay. Keep it together, for Jean. “I had a sister, her name was Ellie. She was beautiful, she had black hair like me, and freckles.” I smiled, and remembered her perfectly. She was beautiful. “There was a horrible accident. We were on our way to Mitras…” Come on Marco. Breathe. “We were by the train station, and it was our first time on a train. The train was coming down the tunnel, and Ellie was so excited… she was jumping around… and mum was yelling at her to be careful… and…”

I started choking on my tears, and Jean hit my back. My throat freed, and Jean moved from underneath me.

He came back seconds later with water, which I finished quickly. He was so perfect, he cared so much. I looked up at him, and caught him wiping tears from under his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around him tightly, and talked to him quietly. “I can stop if you don’t want to hear it-”

“No. Tell me everything. If it is good for you, then continue.”

I smiled, and we lay back down on the sofa. I took a deep breath. Here it comes.

“She slipped of the platform. She died right in front of me. I saw her mangled body… and…” Tell him. Get it over and done with. “I fell into severe depression… and I was suicidal.”

“A few nights after that happened, I caved in, and tried to kill myself, to end the pain. I went to our pool, picked up the heaviest rock I could find… I placed it on my stomach, and sank to the bottom of the pool. I can’t remember anything after that, but my mum found me… took me to the hospital. I was in a coma for two years.”

I started crying again. Why did I leave my family? It was my fault! IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here, and everything is okay. We’re okay.”

But we’re not, are we? You don’t even believe it Jean. You don’t even believe it.

“When I woke up two years later, my grandma had died, my dad left forever, one brother given up hope, the other grown up and now 3 years old, and my mother… completely lost, but happy to still have me. I felt worthless. I was angry that I woken up. I went into denial… and hated myself for reasons I can’t explain. But I picked up music, and found meaning again. And now I have you.” I smiled, I loved music. It saved me from the darkness. Not completely, but enough. Jean was the finally step. Jean.

He was silent, he said nothing, and did nothing. “Are you scared of me?”

“Why would I be scared of you Marco?” He kissed me, over and over again. All over my face, and finally on my lips. He rested his forehead against mine, and looked me in the eyes.

“I love you.”

That was it. I had fallen. There was no going back now.

“Don’t go all lovey-dovey on me, Jean.” I grinned as he blushed. “I love you too, you dork.”

We curled into each other, kissing purely because we could. I smiled against him, and groaned internally at the sappiness of what I was about to say.

“Thank you for opening my eyes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehe
> 
> lets put them through ALL the emotional pain!!!  
> we still have chapter 9 to look forward to. don't worry. >:)


	7. Walking Disasters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst, tiny bit of NSFW content, and Jean shows Marco a song that completely describes them.

“‘Cause now it feels like… we kiss with one eye on our TV set, and the more I give the less I get. Needing fairground rides just to spark a smile, there's little here to miss… Bring back 1996…”

\--1996, The Wombats

The relationship that me and Jean had agreed to couldn’t have been have been going better.

The way that we had woken up on the day of Ymir’s party was now normal for us, except more intimate. We wouldn’t be as scared, we wouldn’t have to think our actions over before we went straight for it. We hadn’t gone far, we were still getting used to the fact that we could hold each other and kiss each other. It was foreign for me, but I loved it.

I loved Jean.

Every morning would start the same way, take this morning for instance.

“Marco.”

“No.”

“I love you.”

“I’m asleep.”

“You’re lying.”

I wouldn’t have had anything different.

I’d never experienced this type of intimacy with anyone, and neither had Jean. He had told me a little about his past relationships… how they would only last for a week, and were always with girls. I knew that he had done things he regretted, but he always reminded me that I was different. We were different.

We had been dating for a while now, over two weeks. We didn’t celebrate or anything, but we would understand the fact that we had never been with someone for this long. Either of us. It was a change on his part, and start on mine. It was what I had wanted for a long time, and finally I had found someone who shared the same dream.

We didn’t talk about his sketchbook. I started the conversation once, but he said that he wasn’t going to elaborate. I respected his privacy, but remembered all of things he had written. They would probably come up in later conversations… not to mention that they were too meaningful to forget.

He had never loved someone before, so his to write those thing meant more to me than I would ever understand. I understood what he meant, and let him be.

We also decided that we would try not to mention our past if we could possibly help it. We both had things we wanted to forget, so we let the better memories override the depression. Slowly, we got better. We weren’t cured, but things were changing for both of us, and that meant everything. The people around us noticed as well. The offhand comment about how ‘you two look really happy today’, or ‘are you ever going to stop looking at each other?’. It was great, and everybody was happy for us.

They made sure not to mention Jean’s past around me, and they knew nothing about mine. Jean told me it would stay that way for as long as he could help it. I thanked him. He understood that Ellie’s death still haunted me, and that I still had internal scars to show for it. He knew not to question it if I randomly fell into a bad mood, or didn’t want to go outside. He would stay beside me, and wait for me to be okay again. If I told him I wanted to be alone, he would leave me be. That’s what I wanted and needed, and Jean was happy to give me that.

Eventually people started noticing us. A girl in our English class found out about our relationship, and her first comment was ‘finally’. Jean smiled, and squeezed my hand.

It was the million little things he did without noticing that lead to me slowly falling in love with him. The way he blows the hair out of his eyes, only to have it fall back there again. The way he chews his pencils and pens when he’s stressed. The silence that falls over him when he draws or paints. The idiotic smile he gets when I reach for his hand in the hallways.

The way he smiles in general.

He never really smiled in public when I first met him, he was always so closed off and afraid to show emotions. The most he would do was laugh sarcastically, and sass his way through the day. Every now and then, during that first week, Armin would come up to me and point out things that I had seen.

“See the way he only smiles in your presence? And the smile that he has… I’ve never seen him smile like that before. Never. Marco, you are special to him in ways you wouldn’t ever be able to imagine.”

That was one of the main things that made me keep on trying, that made me refuse to give up. The fact that other people could tell me that Jean only smiles in a certain way when he’s around me. How that made me special.

And I guessed I was. Even I could see it. The way that the offhand comment of ‘oh, Jean. Why are you smiling?’ or ‘Hey look Jean, it’s Marco! He’s out of class early!’. The simplest things would set him off again. If they pointed out the fact that he was staring at me, he would say he was looking at something behind me, or wasn’t looking at at. When people alerted him of my presence, he would crane his neck until he saw me, then he would give me the cheesiest grin.

One time I snuck up to the table, without anyone noticing. I noticed that Jean’s wasn’t talking to anyone at the table, and played around with his food. Even now and then he would sit up straight in his chair, and scan the cafeteria. Then, when he couldn’t find what he was looking for, he would duck his head back down and go back to playing with his food, a scowl etched on his face.

Then I would walk up and say ‘hi’, and he would be smiling again. He’d start eating, and actually join in on the conversation. Armin noticed it, Bertholdt noticed it, heck- even Annie noticed it. She would normally roll her eyes when Jean smiled again, and shoot me a look. Only now do I realise that that look was saying ‘do you see it yet?’.

And I saw it. Now, I saw it.

\----------

“Marrrco.”

“I’m not awake yet.”

“Bull.”

It was the 30th of September, and the party I had arranged was tonight. I would have been talking excitedly about it with Jean, but he didn’t know it was going to happen. It was a surprise party, commemorating the start of October… the month of Halloween.

Words could not explain how much I loved Halloween, and I hoped that Jean liked it just as much as I did. I loved the pumpkins, the costumes, the parties… but most of all… the Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Those were the shit.

I had arranged for all of our friends to come over for a mini Halloween party. Reiner had a stash of pumpkins hidden in his dorm, and Armin was keeping heaps of candles in his cupboard. Connie had moved the XBox Kinect out to the front room… there was more room to play Just Dance 3 out there.

“Marco… come on. We gotta get up.”

“Why?” I knew how I could make him stay in bed. It was the thing I was best at in this relationship. Making him cave in. I groaned, and curled over in bed. I snuggled up close to his chest and wrapped my arms around his chest.

I heard him sigh as he wrapped his arms around me. “It’s 2pm. We played Halo until 3 this morning… you remember that right?”

“Oh yeah.” I grinned into his shirt. I killed him, and I was damn proud of myself. Connie even caught it on video. “That means we should be able to stay in bed for just a little longer.”

“Nope. I’m not giving in this time Marco.”

“Neither am I.” I moved my hand of off his back, and up to his neck. I snuggled up even closer to him, and sighed. He was really comfortable. And smells good even when he’s only just woken up… that shouldn’t be possible. I wasn’t going to complain though. Chocolate and strawberries is always a good thing to wake up to.

“Marco. That’s going to get you nowhere. I’m saying no.”

I groaned, and moved up so we were looking at each other. I pouted, and he scoffed. “No.”

“Yes.” I moved my head closer to him, and kissed him quickly on the mouth. He shook his head. Damn, this time I was gonna need to go further. I leaned back in, and smiled. I kissed him for a little bit longer, and he kissed back. That was going to do it.

“Nope.”

Where was all this self control coming from? I didn’t know it just grew magically overnight. He probably downloaded it illegally. You could download anything these days. I made a mental note to ask him which website he got it from. I could definitely use some.

He grinned at my annoyance, and I leaned into his neck. Looks like its time to try out giving one of those love bite things. I got started.

“Marco, what are you doing?”

“Hmmf, githing oo a loth bite.” I sucked a little harder, and Jean breathed slowly.

“That’s not going to work.”

What? How was he doing this? I retracted, and glared at him. He did have a pretty nice bruise on his neck though, I had done well. What could I do that was worse than a love bite? I didn’t want to go too far… I just wanted to excite him… wait! Of course! It was obvious.

I looked him the eyes, and grinned. “What? Marco… what are you…” I uncurled my legs, and lifted one of my knees up to his crotch. “Oh- ohhhh.” I grinned, and kissed his nose. I moved my knee a bit, and he grabbed onto my sides. “Mar-Marco… stop. This- this isn’t fair. Come o- ahhh. Come on!”

His cheeks were flushed, and he was looked at me… a mixed between pissed off and sexually frustrated. It was quite clear what was going on between his legs now, and I was trying so hard not to laugh.

He managed to bring some type of strength out of nowhere, and rolled so I was on top of him. My knee slipped right between his legs, and he groaned. I smiled, and moved my leg out from between his legs, and put it on the other side of his waist.

“But, Marco…”

I sat down on his thighs, and he sucked in a breath, biting down on his lip. “Yes Jean?” I slowly rolled the upper half of my body down so that I was laying on top of him. He reached up and grabbed my face, kissing me hard. I moved one hand to support me, while the other flew to his neck.

I eventually opened up his mouth, taking no chances as I stuck in my tongue. An inhuman groan came from within him, and his hands moved slowly down my back. They grabbed onto the hem of my shirt, and I smiled. I got the hint.

I shifted away from the kiss, smiling down at him. “So, can we stay in bed a little longer?”

He made a sound that could only channel absolute annoyance as he removed my shirt, and we moved back to kissing. Jean had his hands on my lower back, but they were making their way down. He moved his hands so they were on my thighs, and he slowly pushed my waist against his thighs. To be honest, it felt absolutely amazing. And from the way that Jean was smiling into the kiss, he could tell.

I started getting worried, not wanting to go too far. I decided that we should just stay at whatever this was, but we would continue until we couldn’t anymore, and actually had to get out of bed.

I wasn’t looked forward to that time.

Jean moved his hands up, slipping them into the pockets on my sweat pants. Without warning, he pushed me down, as a gasp erupted from my mouth. I groaned, and moved onto his neck.

There was a creaking sound, and light suddenly erupted into the room. How? We didn’t have a window!

“Holy shit.”

The next few seconds were a blur as me and Jean fell out of bed, pulling the pillow and comforter with us. I landed beside Jean on my stomach, and he was lying down his back, staring startled up at the roof. I looked over to the door, and Connie was standing there, stuck in place with his mouth hanging open.

“Uhhhh…”

I looked over at Jean, who suddenly came back down to Earth and stared at Connie in the door. “Oh no.” He grabbed the pillow, and wordlessly used it to cover his bottom half. I sucked back my laugh, and watched as Jean glared at Connie.

“Why… are you here?”

“I just, I thought I should wake you up and… Iamsosorryohmygoodness.”

“WELL THEN GET OUT!”

Connie jumped out of the room, and the door slammed shut.

“Um.”

“Yeah.” Jean was staring at the roof again.

“That just happened.” I grabbed my shirt, and sat up, slipping it on. I made sure that I wasn’t facing Jean… it would be super awkward if he saw my pants.

I looked over at Jean as he peeked under the pillow. “It definitely did.”

\----------

We didn’t even go very far… I made that our crotches had distance between them at all times. Connie must have seen different… the way that he immediately fled out of the dorm when we came out our room kinda showed it. He must have thought that the reason we stayed in our bedroom for so long afterwards was because we were finishing off.

We were just having a hard time trying to find a pair of jeans that wouldn’t put us in too much pain.

Jean and I didn’t discuss what happened that morning for the rest of the afternoon, and it was probably for the best. We might have ended up getting rid of the jeans all together, and that’s not what we were ready for, despite what our bodies said.

At the moment Jean was sitting on the sofa, looking over at in the kitchen. The sink was full of coffee cups, and I was currently making my 5th cup. Jean was trying to talk me out of it. If only he knew why I was drinking so much caffeine.

“Marco, if you keep on drinking all this coffee you aren’t going to be able to fall asleep tonight.”

“I love coffee though, and I want to stay up late.” If he knew what I was planning he would be up here with me, making his own coffee. I was doing this for both of us.

Jean sighed, rubbing his neck where I had given him his love bite him this morning. “Marco. We have classes at 9 tomorrow. We need to be awake at 7. Come on.” He was one to be talking. We celebrated if he got out of bed 5 minutes before class. I picked up an empty box of Pop-Tarts, and pegged it at him. He ducked, and poked his head up again, looking slightly pissed. “Did you seriously finish that box of Pop-Tarts on your own?”

“Maybe.” I grinned, finishing making my coffee. I sat down beside him as he flicked through the channels on TV. He looked entirely pissed of at the world, and was avoiding the internet like the plague. He hadn’t opened his laptop once today, and that was really unlike him. I sighed, picking up my laptop and opening up Tumblr.

Jean looked over at me, and rolled his eyes. “I would rethink that decision if I were you. It’s a warzone on there. It won’t be safe until November.” He turned up the TV, and some lady started going on about carrots of something.

“No.” Jean growled, and sunk into the sofa. He really was pissed.

I looked at my screen, scrolling down my dash. It was pretty average actually, just heaps of Halloween gifs. I paused on a text post, talking about the Halloween countdown. I smiled, and queued it for midnight. I had over 200 posts ready… it was going to be a blast. I looked at Jean, who was looking straight ahead a scowling. “How is it a warzone?”

“It’s the day before October starts. The whole of Tumblr is going to start its war. It is apparently close enough to Halloween for everyone to start celebrating.” He sighed, and picked up his laptop, giving into the system. It was going to happen eventually. He looked about ready to set fire to his laptop when he came across a click and drag ghost. He scrolled past anything that was Halloween related, and soon enough he open up xKit and blacklisted ‘Halloween’.

Does Jean… please tell me I am thinking wrongly here ‘cause I might have to burn myself in the pits of boyfriend hell if I am right.

“Wait. You don’t like Halloween?” I looked down, and sighed. “I think we have to break up.”

“Marco! I love Halloween!” He looked at me, smiling. “I just wish we could save the celebrations for maybe a week before Halloween?”

Yep, I was in deep shit. “Oh, god you are going to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you Marco! What could possibly make me hate you?” I swallowed my laughter, and looked over at him with tears in my eyes.

“Don’t open up your laptop at midnight.”

His jaw dropped, and he gave me a pleading look. “Let me see your queue.”

I picked up my laptop, pouncing over the back of the sofa. “NO!”

\----------

Jean had given up and started drinking coffee as well, and had already gotten through two over-sized mugs. It was a few minutes before the others were supposed to arrive and set everything up, and I had to somehow get Jean into the study, and to stay there.

I had found out that morning what would work, I just had to make it happen again. If that meant going a little bit further, then I would have to do it.

Nothing could sacrifice the Halloween party. Nothing.

“We should go into the study.”

“Why?” I picked up my laptop and closed it up. I looked at him incredulously. Could you not just make things easier for me… just once?

“Come on.” I walked towards the study, opening up the door and putting my laptop down on the desk. Without thinking, I took off my shirt and tossed to the other side of the room. I lay down on the ground… and waited.

There was a crash, and I opened one eye. Jean was standing about a metre away from me, looking awkwardly over at the lamp that was now on the floor, Jean’s shirt covering up part of it. It didn’t take much imagination to work out what happened. I looked up at Jean, smirking. He was looking down at me, blushing lightly. His top half was bare, and he looked really damn cute.

I rolled over so I could have the pleasure of seeing Jean in all of his blushing glory, and smiled. Seductive Marco, think seductive. We had to stay here for 5 minutes without Jean wanting to walk out… come on. Think.

“Have I ever told you how good you look without a shirt on?” That would have to do. It seemed to work, as he sauntered up to me and sat down on the beanbag beside me. He started drawing circles on my abdomen, smiling at me cheekily. So this is what sexual tension feels like.

“Have I ever told you how good YOU look without a shirt on?”

Seductive, seductive, seductive. Come on Marco, you’re doing well so far… “You don’t need to. Eren’s status from the pool showed it.” Damnit. I laughed despite myself.

“Way to ruin the mood, Marco.”

“Oh, come on. Let’s bring the mood back.” I winked, and stood up. I stood right in front of him, as he shuffled to face me on the beanbag.

Here goes nothing. Or everything. Oh dear god.

I looked him in eyes as I carefully sat myself down on top of him. And I don’t mean on his thighs like this morning. I mean straight down on his crotch. Jean sighed, and wiggled slightly, trying to get comfortable… or something else.

I started kissing his neck, and biting every now and then. It was getting quite heated, and Jean seemed to be enjoying it. He was breathing heavily, and biting his lip.

“Marco-”

I stopped, looking up at him. Holy shit, he looked so hot right now. He sighed, and pouted at me. “Why did you stop?” Oh.

I grinned, getting back to work, making sure to kiss his love-bite, and give it a touch up. I decided to try something new, just to see what Jean’s reaction was. I moved my mouth so it was hovering over his collar bone… and then I did it. I clenched my things tighter around his, and bucked into him slightly. The rush was instant, and I bit down on his collar bone to stop myself from making any noise.

His reaction was perfect… he groaned quite loudly, and snaked his hands up my back until they were in my hair. He started pulling on it, but it wasn’t painful… it was just making me even more sad that we had to stop.

BANG!

That was the sign. I jumped of Jean, somewhat reluctantly, and looked up at the clock. Sure enough, it was midnight. “Hey! Its October!”

“Marco! That was mean. I was getting excited!” He sighed, and got of the beanbag. Chucking his shirt at him, I shrugged my own on. He sighed, and I comforted him.

“We can continue that later!” And I meant it.

I opened up the door, and let Jean come through to close it. I looked into the living room, and smiled at the crowd gathered there. I couldn’t wait to see Jean’s reac-

“OOMPH!”

I was suddenly pegged up against the door, Jean kissing me. Oh no. This could not end well. I looked past Jean, and saw the crowd’s reaction.

Reiner was biting down on his lip, looking about ready to burst out laughing. Eren was shocked, and Armin had his face in his hands. He wasn’t even fazed, he was just so done. Sasha gave me the thumbs up, and Connie put his two pointer fingers together, mouthing ‘touching boners’.

Suddenly, Jean had his hands up my shirt, and was uh… returning the favour. I was going to have one hell of a bruise. I looked at the crowd again, and Mikasa was covering Eren’s eyes. He kept on trying to peek past them though. I held back my laughter, and noticed Bertholdt holding the XBox controller, and bashing the buttons. What was he trying to- oh no. I burst out laughing, and Jean looked up at me. His face asked a question, which was soon answered.

“THIS IS HALLOWEEN! EVERYBODY MAKE A SCENE! HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN!”

“ARGHH!” Jean pounced away from me, and then looked towards the source. The crowd of people in our livingroom, now looked kind of terrified. “ARGHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL?!” Jean looked around him, and then stood stock still.

Here lies Marco Bodt, killed by his boyfriend. “Uh… yeah. Happy Halloween?” My eyes stung as I looked at Jean’s angry face.

Jean looked at me, and talked really quietly. “Did you arrange this?”

Looks like I’d really stuffed up this time. “Yes. I’m really sorry. I thought you would enjoy it. I just thought it would be nice to do something a little different… and you have done so much for me… you’ve drawn all those pictures… and I just wanted to make it up to you… I thought you would like-” A tear ran down my cheek as Jean kissed me.

“Marco, baby, I love it. This is amazing.”

Baby.

“B-but I-” Jean pressed his finger to my lips, and smiled.

“Just next time warn me if people are going to be in our dorm when I’m making out with you against a door.”

I laughed, and shook my head. I had to bring it up though. He kissed me lightly on the cheek and I cleared my throat. “You have a pet name for me?”

“W-what?”

“You called me baby.”

“Oh. S-sorry… I won’t do it again if you don’t-”

“I love it.” I kissed his cheek, and we turned to face the crowd that was watching us awkwardly. Well, apart from The Springles, Reiner and Eren who were about to burst.

“Jean, dude, shag him later. In the meantime we have some dancing to do.”

We only got to bed at 4am.

\----------

“Marco! Wake up! It’s 11 o’clock! We’ve missed most of our morning class! Levi is going to kill me!”

I sighed as I turned over in bed, and was met with a stressed looking Jean.. who by some miracle was already dressed. He was typing furiously into his phone, and sighing. He pocketed after a few minutes, and then glared at me.

“Come on Marco. You have to wake up now. We’re going over to Reiner and Bertl’s dorm. They’re expecting us in ten minutes.”

Socialization? Already? “Ughhhggg bunai dunwanoo.” I pulled the pillow over my head, hiding from him. If I can’t see you then you can’t see me.

“Marco. Get up.”

“Mekmee”

“Fine.”

A pillow came down on my torso multiple times, and I groaned dramatically. That’s not what I meant when I said ‘make me’.

“Jeaaaaannnnn”

“No. Get up.”

“But-”

“No affection for all of today.”

Dickhead. “Goddamnit.” I rolled over, sitting up and still covering myself in his bedsheets. “You’re rude.” I finally stood up and stretched, making my way over to kiss him, but he dodged away from me.

“Get dressed. Brush your teeth. We’ll have breakfast at Bertl’s.”

“Fine MOM.”

I was too tired to beat him up, but I totally would have been able to if I was awake. Totally.

\----------

Bertl greeted us at the door with a dead looking Reiner. “Hey guys!”

“Hi Bertl! Thanks for letting us come over!” I smiled, and looked at the state of their apartment. And holy crap. How did they get it this clean? What- that couldn’t be possible. I rubbed my eyes… I was quite obviously hallucinating.

Jean had seen it too… I wasn’t having a strange dream. “Tell me all your secrets.”

“Well, secret one is maybe DON’T share a dorm with Reiner…” Reiner groaned. “It’s true! If I leave you in here alone, I would come back and it would look like The Walking Dead was filmed here!”

“Grrr, I’m not a zombie who are you talking to you goddamn…” Reiner disappeared into the kitchen, pulling out some Lucky Charms. “You want any?”

And so we all sat down, and had a bowl of Lucky Charms. I made a mental note to buy a life-time supply from the shops next time we were there.

Bertl cleared his throat, and we all turned to see what he had to say. “I don’t know about you guys, but I could really go for a PSL.”

“Ohmygodyes.” Can we just elect Bertholdt for King of America? I would vote for him, hands down. He can clean, and he likes Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Damn, I would pay taxes to Bertl right now.

We made our way to Starbucks, me and Bertl jumping up and down from sheer excitement at the promise of our beloved Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

\----------

We sat down in Starbucks, and started gossipping.

Reiner laughed, and voiced what we were all thinking last night when Armin took over the stage on Just Dance. “Armin is better at dancing than I thought he would be. And someone please confirm this for me… Eren and Mikasa aren’t dating… right?”

Bertl sighed, and took a sip from his latte. “I seriously don’t know. I don’t think Eren has feelings for Mikasa… but Mikasa seems to be very fond of him… in more than an adoptive-sister way.”

I thought about what Eren talked about 24/7, and spoke up to the group. “Have you heard the way that Eren talks about Levi?”

Reiner looked confused for a moment, then recognition crossed over his face. “Oh, your Drama teacher?”

“Yeah. Eren has him for art as well. He and Jean are in the same class, and Eren can’t shut up about him during lunches.” I sighed, and thought about it. “It seems really weird. Mikasa keeps on staring at Levi as if he’s going to beat Eren up or something. We know what she’s like.”

After a little while, Bertl and Reiner left to go to a Dance class. I expected them to be studying something like that… but then it crossed my mind… our college didn’t offer Dance classes. I decided that it might be better not to question it.

“Are we going to Drama or not?”

Jean sighed, and down the rest of his latte. “Vote not.”

“We have to text someone to tell them that we aren’t coming. I’m out of battery. Can you message Eren over Facebook?” I knew better than to ask him to entrust a message with Connie or Sasha.

“Yeah, sure.” Jean took out his phone, and started typing. There was a pause, and then he turned over to me.

“Marco, why aren’t we going to Drama?”

“Because I have contracted a bad case of hypothermia and you are nursing me to health.”

“You would be in a hospital if you had hypothermia, Marco. And it’s fall.”

“Good point. I have food poisoning, and I am projectile vomiting.”

“Mmm, healthy.”

I leaned over Jean’s shoulder to look at the messages.

J- marco has food poisoning and is being sick everywhere. i am playing nurse

E- geez. even your lies are gay. see you later

J- k thnx man

I sighed at Eren’s slur. “Is he homophobic or something?”

“No, he just loves to make fun of me. He’s one of those people that just needs a high-five.”

“Huh?” Did Jean support the use of slurs.

“In the face.”

“Oh.” Well that made more sense.

“With a chair.”

“Ouch.”

“Dipped in poison.”

“Held by the Hulk.”

“On adrenaline rush.”

We laughed, and walked out to the Main Street. I watched the passing cars and thought about getting out. “So what exactly are we going to do for today?” I caught sight of the gardens. “I think we should do something other than sit in a garden. I think we should ‘get out’.”

“You mean, out of Trost?”

“No, maybe just to the boundaries… if you know what I mean.”

Jean grinned suddenly, and pulled out his phone.  
“Hi, its Jean! Are either of my parents home?” I grinned, understanding what was going on. “Oh, no. That’s fine. You are off duty until 6pm… Yes. It’ll be fine. And the house will be the closest to spotless I can manage before you get back… You too.” He stuck his phone back in his pocket, and turned to me.

“Let’s go to my house. We’ll take my car.”

“You have a car?” Oh wait. Yes, of course he has a car. How did he get back here on that day when Connie and Sasha were.. ugh.

“Yeah. That’s how I got back to you when Connie and Sasha were-”  
“Yes. I remember now. What type of car?” It was probably something cool… like a fancy Mini Cooper or something.

“You’ll see.” He laughed, and directed me toward one corner of the car park. There was a lone black car standing there, and as we got closer I realised what it was.

Oh.

“No freaking way Jean.” A LOTUS ELISE? “Oh my god. Am I allowed inside? Is it too expensive-”

“Marco. Yes, you are allowed inside. You are my boyfriend for Pete’s sake.”

I bounced, and hopped into the passenger seat. It was so slick and leathery.. and the dash… ohh.  “Dude.”

Jean started up the Lotus, and the engine started purring. He groaned, and sank back into the seats. His chair was vibrating, and literally looked like he was in heaven.

“I feel like you are cheating on me for some reason.” I grinned when he suddenly came back to life, and looked at me sheepishly.

“Oh, I’m supposed to be driving. Let’s go places.”

\----------

“Jean… wow… this place is huge.”

I was standing in the middle of Jean’s bedroom, and there wasn’t really many words I could say that would really show him how amazed I was. First of all, his bedroom was at least the size of the main room in my house. Band posters covered the wall, and I knew them all. He had a pin board up on his wall, and heaps of pictures from high school were tacked up on it. From where I was, I could already pick out a younger looking Armin, and a Mikasa with longer hair. I looked closer, and noticed picture of Jean, looked younger, thinner and sadder. In each picture, there was a new girl hanging of his shoulder… or his waist… or worse.

I moved away from the pictures, knowing that I probably didn’t want to really look at them. Instead I headed over to the opposite wall, and looked at some paintings and sketches he had hanging up. The most frequent colours I saw were red and black, and they mixed together at the edges of my vision. It was terrifying. I knew that Jean drew to help him with his emotions… and I also knew that all of these pictures were depicting something he felt. My eyes fell on the biggest one, and I felt Jean’s presence beside me all of a sudden. He wrapped his arms around me from behind, and rested his head against my nape.

“That was from high school. We had to draw ourselves dealing with an emotion. I decided to draw myself dealing with the emotion of pain.”

The picture was a very realistic version of Jean… he was crying, and surrounded in blood. I understood all of a sudden, and said what I already knew was true.

“You deal with emotional pain by turning it into physical pain, don’t you.”

He breathed out, a long drawn out sigh. “If I have to suffer any amount of emotional pain, I find myself wishing for an excuse. I can’t deal with pain, that has no embodiment.  I need to see the reason for my pain, see the reason why I’m crying, and breaking down. I turn the emotional pain into visible pain, so I can see reason behind my suffering. It’s a way of coping.”

I know Jean. I understand. I get it… I’ve done it too.

“Please tell me this isn’t-”

“Marco, it isn’t martyrdom. That is an act of selfishness, and anyone using martyrdom to gain friends or sympathy should be pitied for sinking so low in life.”

“That’s not what I was saying.” Please, Jean. “P-please tell me this isn’t something you still do now.” Please, please please please.

His sigh came out shakily, and he let go of me. “I don’t know if-”

“Please, Jean. Please.” Tears started flowing down my cheeks, and Jean sighed. He reached down, and started undoing his jeans. It didn’t matter what he was doing it for, I was either going to be bad, or very bad. “J-”

I stopped, and almost choked. His thighs… what… no.

No.

No no no no no no no.

No, Jean.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I just collapsed on the floor, and broke down. I felt Jean’s arms around me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think you were ready.”

There were so many thoughts in my head, and I was hurting just thinking about it. Why? How? When? Who? How long? How did you do it? What do I have to take away from you? Where else? Who made you feel like this? Why did you do it? When did you it? Have you stopped? Are you still going? How often? How much?

Are you okay?

I lifted up my hand off the carpet, and touched his thigh, gently. I didn’t want to hurt him. They were bumpy and pink… and didn’t stop at the seam of his boxers. I lifted up the edge more, and he shivered slightly. They didn’t stop… I edged it up a bit more. They were still going.

“How much…” I touched the scars lightly, cried. I couldn’t believe it. I close my eyes, and felt them slowly. Then they started protruding more. I opened up my eyes, and saw they weren’t all scars. Some of them were scabs.

“They’re… they are only… weeks… days… Jean?” Jean looked at me, and teared up. I had my hand clasped over my mouth, and I was having trouble breathing “When was the last time?”

He sighed, and paused.

“I’ll tell you, but afterwards we stop talking about this, and do something else.”

I nodded, and steeled myself for the answer. “You’re right. It was five, maybe four days ago. I’ll tell you why when I’m ready.” He took the hand from my mouth, and kissed me slowly. He slipped his jeans back on and was silent. We said nothing more on the topic, and silently agreed to forget it.

\----------

We decided to head back to the dorms, as games get boring eventually. All of the angst in the air from earlier had dissipated, and we were now driving down the backroads to get back to the dorms.

“Turn it up! I love this song!”

“‘Cause I know that time has numbered my days, and I’ll go along with everything you say!” I played the air guitar and Jean laughed as he drove his Lotus down the country road. He was only a few miles over the speed limit… and I pretended not to notice. We were already in a slick black Lotus, it would be hard enough for people to see us at this time of evening.

We wouldn’t get in too much trouble.

“But I’ll ride home laughing look at me now, the walls of my town they come crumbling down!” I laughed as I played the air guitar again, and Jean watched me.

“JEAN. EYES ON THE ROAD!”

He laughed, and straightened up. ‘Babel’ ended eventually, and Jean almost screamed when the next song was announced.

“Charlotte has requested some Wombats… so here we go! This is ‘Walking Disasters’, by The Wombats!”

“MARCO. Listen to this song. Write it down. This song is us.”

And it was. I searched up lyrics when I got home, printed them out, and taped them to the wall.

\-----

She used to get her kicks from a fall to the floor  
But now she's always wasted, a total looker but she's jaded  
The kind of shivering wreck that I adore  
I can't offer you a rescue but I can tell you what I'd do

I'd tell my mother that I love her dearly  
And tell my father that I need him back again  
And if these words won't drop from your lips  
I will be your Freudian slip

And flowers might wilt when we walk past  
And self-help might help when it makes us laugh  
Only finding questions in answers  
You and I are just walking disasters

She only finds her love in a downtown score  
Consumption makes her stronger  
You're the sweetest Anaconda  
The kind of lack of respect that I adore  
I can't offer you a rescue  
But when you've lost all that you have left to lose

I'd tell my mother that I love her dearly  
And tell my father that I need him back again  
And if these words won't drop from your lips  
I will be your Freudian slip

As sharp as a knife and as blunt as a wheel  
You be my calm, I'll be your pneumatic drill  
And what we'll never want, we'll always need  
Right now we need some pop psychology to keep us up-beat

So tell your mother that you love her dearly  
And tell your father your won't lock him out again  
And if these words won't drop from your lips  
I will be your Freudian slip

And flowers might wilt when we walk past  
And self-help might help when it makes us laugh  
Only finding questions in answers  
You and I are just walking disasters

\-----

* * *

 

[Walking Disasters Audio](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqWTACkyjNo) see below notes for explanation and song meaning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my thinking with 'Walking Disasters'...
> 
> The first three verses are about Marco, imagine Jean saying that to him.  
> The next two verses are about Jean, imagine Marco saying that to him.  
> The next verse is them comparing each other.  
> The final two verses are both of them, together.
> 
> HERE IS THE MEANING!!! (I've changed pronouns for my own sake XD)
> 
> |||FROM JEAN TO MARCO|||  
> He used to get his kicks from a fall to the floor  
> (he was always much happier when he was putting himself down)  
> But now he's always wasted, a total looker but he's jaded  
> (he's always drinking away his miseries, he's pretty but obviously emotionally ill)  
> The kind of shivering wreck that I adore  
> (a lost person, that needs help)  
> I can't offer you a rescue but I can tell you what I'd do  
> ([jean] can't fix it for him, but can give him advice)
> 
> I'd tell my mother that I love her dearly  
> ([to marco] thank you for staying with me)  
> And tell my father that I need him back again  
> ([to marco] please come back, why did you leave)  
> And if these words won't drop from your lips  
> I will be your Freudian slip  
> (if you can't say it, then [jean] will say it for you)
> 
> And flowers might wilt when we walk past  
> (we're leaving a mess behind us)  
> And self-help might help when it makes us laugh  
> (getting help is only helpful when its funny)  
> Only finding questions in answers  
> (we're unsure)  
> You and I are just walking disasters  
> (self-explanatory)
> 
> |||FROM MARCO TO JEAN|||  
> He only finds his love in a downtown score  
> (cheaps drugs-- that'll come in later ;n; )  
> Consumption makes him stronger  
> (drinking and taking drugs makes him better emotionally)  
> You're the sweetest Anaconda  
> (you are the nicest problem)  
> The kind of lack of respect that I adore  
> I can't offer you a rescue  
> But when you've lost all that you have left to lose  
> (self explanatory)
> 
> I'd tell my mother that I love her dearly  
> ([to jean] thanks for trying)  
> And tell my father that I need him back again  
> ([to jean] please treat me like your son)  
> And if these words won't drop from your lips  
> I will be your Freudian slip  
> (if you can't say it, then [marco] will say it for you)
> 
> |||BOTH - COMPARISON|||  
> As sharp as a knife and as blunt as a wheel  
> ([jean] gets angry easily, [marco] tries to stay happy)  
> You be my calm, I'll be your pneumatic drill  
> ([marco] stays calm whilst [jean] tears things up)  
> And what we'll never want, we'll always need  
> (anti depressants)  
> Right now we need some pop psychology to keep us up-beat  
> (music will keep us happy)
> 
> ||BOTH|| (already explained)  
> So tell your mother that you love her dearly  
> And tell your father your won't lock him out again  
> And if these words won't drop from your lips  
> I will be your Freudian slip
> 
> And flowers might wilt when we walk past  
> And self-help might help when it makes us laugh  
> Only finding questions in answers  
> You and I are just walking disasters
> 
>  
> 
> THOUGHTS????
> 
> I'm gonna go through and start editing every chapter in this series so far. be back next year *sighs and rolls away*


	8. What have I done?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first Halloween party, and fight that Marco won't forget. Not because of the scars he will now sport, but because of Jean's reaction.

“When Rome's in ruins, we are the lions, free of the colosseums. In poisoned places, we are anti-venom, we're the beginning of the end.”  
\--Young Volcanoes, Fall Out Boy

**  
  
**

It didn’t matter how long I stared at the cosplay websites page, no ideas came. None. All I had come up with was a war beaten soldier, but even that sounded like a stupid idea. I was running out of ideas, and fast. I scrolled down the page, and knew that none of it would suit me. He-Man? Nope, Armin would love that though. The Pope? Knowing this generation there would be at least one person who would find that extremely offensive. That made Jesus out of the question as well.

I had to narrow it down. What supplies did we have? We had money, but not too much. So it couldn’t be expensive. We had tomato sauce… that could serve as blood right? Bedsheets? Ooh, lets go as the classic ghost. No one would expect that.

“Jean, let’s narrow it down this much. You can do art stuff-” He groaned. “-so that means that you can do awesome make-up, right?”

“I’m okay in the make-up department. But there are two problems. One being that we don’t own any make-up, and don’t have enough money to be buying any since it’s only going to be used once. Two, we still don’t know what we are going as!” He smacked his head down on his knees, and groaned even louder. This wasn’t the reaction I was hoping I would get. The one I was hoping for was somewhere along the lines of ‘I’m going to cover you in fake blood, and do all this cool artsy shit to your face. It’ll be amazing.’

“Come on, look on the bright side! Even if we can’t think of anything by Friday, we can still just go in a onesie or something. It will be much more comfortable anyway.” I looked up at the roof, and ordered for it to give me the answer again. Nothing came, so I had to go anlong my original plan. I could think of something cooler later. “I think I know what I want to go as.”

“Mhn?”

“A zombie soldier. Like, I want the be wearing a military uniform and stuff, but be a zombie. It’ll be awesome! Especially with your art skills!” I laughed, and closed my laptop. I planted it down on the table, and looked over to see his reaction. He was still scrolling, and looked as if he was thinking.

“But what will I be?”

I thought hard, but came to no immediate conclusion. My mind went along the tracks of ‘couple costumes’, but not all cutesy. I looked at Jean, and he looked entirely miserable. I was about to ask him ‘why the long face’, when it came to me. It was obvious. I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of it earlier. Jean could be...

“My trusty steed.”

Jean’s face screwed up, and he gave me a suggestive look. “Is that an innuendo… or-”

“Jean.”

“Sorry. Are you serious though? Should I really go as a horse?” He looked into the distance, and then shivered. “There are lots of jokes concerning me and horses, and I don’t want to support them.”

Well, that ruled that amazing idea out. What could he be that would correspond to my costume. I thought about other roles in wars, and decided. It was simple, but would cool.

“Then you can be my soldier comrade! Like, we could give you bullet shots and stuff, and you could be limping around, and carrying my dead body over your shoulders! It’ll be awesome!”

He smiled, and looked back at his laptop. He typed something in, and then hit enter. I looked ahead of me, thinking about how cool it would turn out. Jean could totally make realistic bullet holes and peeling skin… I knew that it wouldn’t be hard for him. I looked back over at him, and he was looking at his screen, stock still, and on the verge of exploding into laughter. He pressed a few buttons, and then looked over at me, trying to keep a straight face.

“Hey Marco, I’ve found a good soldier cosplay for us! Check your Facebook!” I looked at him suspiciously, and grabbed my laptop. I opened up our Facebook messages, and clicked the link. The page that came up was definitely not what I was expecting.

The only way I could describe it was army print men’s lingerie, and the combat boots and laced tights made the the whole costume even more suggestive. I didn’t know how to react… I mean… how do you react to that? ‘Aw, dude. That’s so cute. We should totally wear that. We won’t be mistaken for gay prostitutes, where did you get that idea from? Was it the whip that came as an added bonus?’

Jean was looked at me, trying his hardest to contain his laughter, and I sighed. I said the first thing that came to mind, and it definitely sent the wrong idea.

“It’s too expensive. We don’t have $130 just for two of those.”

Jean’s mouth dropped, and he went beet red. He stared at me like I was crazy for a few seconds, then made himself very clear.

“I was joking. It was joke. We will never be wearing those to a party. Ever. Please tell me you were joking as well.”

I laughed awkwardly, and decided to ponder on whether or not I was joking later. “Oh, oh yeah of course I was!”

He didn’t look very persuaded, but continued scrolling none-the-less. When he found a good looking soldier cosplay, he asked me my opinion, and I agreed. I justed wanted this to be over and done with. It had gotten to the point where I was just willing to go along with anything… as long as it didn’t include an army print jock strap.

\----------

Jean had me sat down in front of the mirror in our bathroom, and he had an assortment of colours and make up that would keep Lady GaGa happy for a few years. He had handed me a bag full of cotton balls, and I was ripping them into small pieces and rolling them up. While is was getting the texturing (as Jean called it) prepared, he was putting a layer of liquid foundation stuff on my face. It was really pale, the palest colour we could find at the supermarket. It was also really sticky, and he told me that I would not be allowed to touch my face or itch it at the moment. Cue the nose itching. We all know how it goes. It’s like when someone says that you aren’t allowed to laugh, and it just makes everything so much funnier.

Despite my wanting to itch, Jean continued. My face felt like it was getting heavier and heavier, and I didn’t know how girls could put up with it. It was crazy uncomfortable, and also made me look a little bit like an alien.

Every time I sneaked a peek at the mirror my face was more and more pale. Apparently Jean hadn’t even started though. Once my face was covered in the white liquid sticky stuff, he grabbed a fluffy version of a paint brush and a sponge, and started dusting white powder all over my face. Then he sprayed it with some strange potion that made my face go hard, then he put on even more sticky stuff and powder.

The whole process was so alien to me, but Jean seemed to know what he was doing. He also looked extremely proud of himself. After a few more minutes, he told me to move my face around. I was scared to, thinking the white clay or whatever the heck it was on my face would crack and fall off, but when I opened my mouth and furrowed my eyebrows, the stuff just moved along with it, staying perfectly in place. I was white. Very white.

I moved closer to the mirror, and found that my freckles had basically disappeared. I looked like a totally different person, and Jean was staring at me, grinning. I had finished with the cotton balls, so it was time for the next step.

I leaned back in my chair so that I could look directly at Jean. “What now?”

“This is where it is going to get messy, but it will look amazing, so don’t worry.”

I worried as soon as he grabbed some red stuff and black stuff, and mixed it together like an evil with making her death potion. He even had the grin going. He got some of the evil potion he had made, and wiped it on the right side of my face. He moved in front of me to fix it up, which blocked my view of the mirror. When he moved out of the way again, clearing my view towards the mirror, I was shocked. It looked like half of my face had suffered some pretty serious burning, or had just been cut off in general.

He started putting the little pieces of cotton ball that I had prepared for him all over my face, and it started looking a lot less professional. When he covered the cotton ball pieces with the evil potion though, it made the whole thing look real. It was terrifying, and oddly awesome.

“That is so cool.”

He finished up the look by giving me a bag under my left eye, and completely removing any evidence that I had a right eye to begin with. He painted some cuts on, and added shadows to my left cheek so I looked like I was starving.

He told me to go and get changed while he got his make up ready, which I did. Just before I walked out of the room, he threatened to rip out my throat if I ruined the job he had done on my make up.

It wasn’t hard to get the costume on. It was just a white button up shirt, and a coat with some emblem on it. I put on the white skinny jeans and the random belts everywhere, and finally the huge boots. I looked in the mirror, grinning. I looked dead.

I strolled my way back to the bathroom, and screamed when I saw Jean.

“JEAN! PLEASE TELL ME THAT IS MAKEUP.”

“Yes! Marco, of course it is!” He laughed, and kissed me on my cheek that was still partially intact. “I’m fine. How do I look?” He pulled the ‘boom boom firepower’ pose from Night at the Museum, and I grinned. What a dork.

“Dead, to be honest.”

“Achievement unlocked.”  
“Nerd.”

“Loser.”

“Idiot.”

He grinned. “You look hot.”

“Stupi- wait, what?!” I stared at him, wondering how he could be attracted to a dead guy… wait. Was he into that sort of thing? “I do?”  
“I’m going to have to watch out tonight, all the ladies are going to want a piece of the sexy half-off soldier boy.” He walked up to me slowly, wrapping his arms around my waist.

Sexy? I think I’m the one who’s unlocked an achievement today. I smiled, and raised my eyebrow. “Jean-”

He kissed me, and then spoke against my lips. “Too bad he’s mine.”

More like too bad I’m wearing all of these god damn belts.

\----------

I knocked on Bertl’s door, and was answered straight away.

“Come in! We’re just waiting for Mikasa, Armin and Eren now. You guys look awesome.”

I smiled, and took in Bertl’s costume. I couldn’t currently see his face, he was completely covered by his muscle only one piece. Jean and I walked in, and were greeted by Annie and Reiner wearing similar outfits to Bertl, and Ymir and Christa in their angel and devil costume. Connie was dressed up as Aang… and Sasha. She was in a hot dog costume.

I expected nothing less from her.

Everybody instantly came up and started touching my face, whilst Jean stood behind like a bodyguard, glaring at them all in turn.

I noticed the lack of Eren, Mikasa and Armin in the room, and started wondering where they were. 3 knocks echoed down the hallway, and Reiner called out for them to come in. Surprisingly, on Mikasa walked in. You could only just tell it was her though, she was dressed up as an old man. I wasn’t expecting that at all, and neither was anyone around me.

At first I thought it might be something that the trio did every year, but apparently not.

Connie was the first one to speak. “Mikasa, why are you dressed as an old man?”

She groaned, and said perfectly. “Well, what were you expecting? Some sort of Spanish Inquisition?”

There was a blur of red, and Eren and Armin appeared. “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

They were wearing red robes, and The Cross on their necklaces. It was familiar, and when I noticed that it was from one of the most famous skits in history, I almost laughed. The whole room was silent, so I held back.

Jean sighed. “Why did we ever let them watch Monty Python?”

“Bertl this is completely your fault.” Reiner glared at his boyfriend, who held his hands up in the air like he was surrendering.

“But-”

“No.”

“But Monty Python are so funny and I couldn’t believe they still hadn’t seen any of their skits at the age of 17 and-”

“Shut up.”

“It was worth it.”

“No it wasn’t.”

“WHY IS NOBODY LAUGHING?” Eren sighed, and pretended to faint, falling on Reiner’s sofa. “I put so much effort into this…”  
Mikasa rolled her eyes, and glared at Eren. “YOU DID? I was practising for 3 hours-”

Eren made a waving motion in the air. “Yes, yes. Good job Mikasa. Thank you for your help. If only someone could let out a GODDAMNED LAUGH-”

This is going to get ugly. “LET’S PLAY A DRINKING GAME.” I ran and grabbed the beer, putting it in the middle of our make-shift circle. Everybody grabbed one, and then Reiner looked around the circle with wide eyes.

“What game shall we play on the spooooooooky night? Never Have I Ever? Beer Pong? Poker?”

Sasha chugged her beer. “Truth or Dare to start off with.”

I looked around the circle, sipping from my own beer. “Who wants to go first?”

\----------

There are a very few moments in life where you sit back and wonder, ‘what have I done?’. I have thought this quite a few times, and most of those times had something to do with Jean. After I pegged him to the lounge, was the main one. It was scary afterwards, but during I didn’t know that I was doing anything wrong. I was intoxicated, just as I was this time.

It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just me freaking out over nothing. Normally I’m really good at keeping it cool in angsty situations, but if somebody offends my family or someone I love in general, I will not hesitate to lose it.

I don’t like the reactions I have, and I always regret them later on. It’s just something that you look back at, and wish never ever happened. There wasn’t one good aspect that could be seen, even over the horizon. You lose it, you lash out, and you stress about it later.

When it happened at the Halloween party, when I lashed out with my words, I regretted it instantly the second after. I went into a state of shock at what was happening, and could do nothing.

I expected this to be the reaction that I had, it was something that happens, and you look back on it, think ‘what did I do wrong?’, and ‘it was inevitable’. I didn’t know I had done anything wrong. I wasn’t entirely in fault.

I knew that I would shut down, I just didn’t expect Jean to do the same.

\----------

“Yoooo… bad halloween jokes time yet? Who wanna go fuuurrst?” Sasha was one of the first ones to get drunk, and her voice really showed it. She was slurring all over the place, but I couldn’t pick on her without saying that I was doing the same thing. I was totally into the whole ‘public displays of affection’ thing when I was drunk, and that was the case this time. I was curled up into Jean, making out with him whenever I pleased. Nobody really minded… I mean…. if anything the were proud. Reiner showed his appreciation to me getting in there with Jean throughout the night, despite Bertl’s slurred protests.

Eren made the first joke. “Why do vampires need mouthwash?”

Everyone when suspiciously quiet, and I looked around the circle. Reiner was glaring at everyone, and Ymir had stopped making out Christa just to see what happened. I already knew the answer to the joke, but my interests were very singular. When I opened up my mouth, Annie made a leap at me from the other side of the circle. I ignored her, and looked up at Jean.

“Jean, baby, can you make me another shot?”

Laughs reverberated around Bertl’s living room, and Eren glared at me. I didn’t know what I had done wrong… I just wanted a shot.

Jean ignored my question, much to my distress, but I knew he was just looking out for me. Sasha looked around the circle, but ended up staring excitedly at Connie.

“Why did the ghost go to the bar?”

“Ummm I don’t-”

“FOR THE BOOS!” She grabbed her chest, and started moving her hands up and down, as if juggling. Connie stared at her, and smirked.

“What did the skeleton say to the vampire?” Sasha raised her eyebrows, and Connie grinned at her. “You suck.”

She seemed to appreciate this answer, grabbing very far up his leg. “You don’t even know.”

When they were safely in Reiner’s spare bedroom, I turned the music up so that we couldn’t hear the raucous they were making down the hall. I didn’t need a repeat of something I had heard before.

Annie continued the jokes, which was surprising. She was grinning, laughing, and smiling. It was strangely terrifying.

“Knock knock!”

Bertl looked at Annie as she knocked on his back. “Who’s there?”  
“Annie.”

“Annie who…?”

“Annie body home?” Annie laughed, and we all joined in. Me purely because her laugh was too scary on its own. I looked over at Armin, and she shrugged. Apparently this wasn’t something he was used to either.

The joke subject turned to Yo Mama jokes, and me and Eren were having a shout-off. It was all going relatively well, but things fell apart quite quickly.

“Yomo mama so fat, that when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND THE HOUSE!”

“Yo mama so ugly, even Hello Kitty said goodbye!”

Halloween… keep to the theme. “Yo mama so gross, she had to trick or treat over the phone!”

“Yo mama so fat, she’s got more chins than a Chinese phonebook!” Woah Eren… that one was actually relatively funny.

“Your mama so ugly she gets an extra 364 days for Halloween!”

Eren seemed to have run out… he started mumbling. “Y-your mama so poor… she drives a… peanut.” He’s so confused.

“Your mama is so ugly, when she walks through a cemetery dracula rises from his coffin thinking is Halloween already!” I was extra proud of myself for that one. It was hilarious!

“Oh yeah? Well yo mama so ugly, people call her Humpty Dumpty, she’s humped then she’s dumped!”

That one wasn’t funny at all. I took personal offence… it wasn’t my mom’s fault she was divorced… it was my fault. Mine.

“Yo mama so dead she can’t even be carbon dated!”

It all happened in a rush then.

Eren, going red.

He pushes himself up onto his feet.

He then jumped on me, sitting on me… pinning me in place.

The fists, flying at my face.

The screams.

My tears.

The pain in my nose and jaw.

My lip tearing open, and Eren’s rage.

Jean beside me, just watching. Not doing anything.

Pale.

Stuck.

Armin’s screams echoed around the room.

“Stop! You’ll kill him!”

“EREN!”

“STOP!”

Eren ignoring it.

And in that moment… I swore he wanted to kill me.

He pegged my arms above my head, digging his fingernails into the veins there.

The feeling of blood flowing.

My bleeding wrists.

My torn lips.

My broken nose.

My bruised jaw.

My gammy eye.

Everything was going fuzzy as Eren’s face inched closer to mine, tears in his eyes. He moved one hand away from my wrist to wipe them out, leaving a streak of my blood over his cheek. His hand went back to my wrist, digging in even deeper.

There was so much pain.

I could see Jean, doing nothing. He watched on, frozen and cold. He couldn’t move.

The last thing I heard before everything went black was Eren screaming in my face.

 

  
**“MY MOTHER IS DEAD YOU ASSHOLE. DEAD.”**

\----------

“G-guys! Jean! He’s waking up! Bertl, get some water or… just get some drinks and something to numb him up!”

Mikasa is leaning over me, little patches of red on her face. Bertl is just disappearing out of view, running away. Jean’s face appears, and his eyes are wide and terrified. But he’s movin. He’s okay. It’s all okay.

The pain suddenly appears, my wrists are stinging and my nose and jaw ache. My lips are cracked and broken, and my mouth tastes like blood. I open my eyes, and take in the scene.

A distraught Jean, Bertl returning to the picture. Everybody else is gathered around the room, faces in their palms, and looking a mess.

I’ve ruined everything.

Eren is nowhere to be seen.

I cry, and I can’t remember when I stop. Jean plants himself down beside me, just staring at me. He’s broken. What have I done?

The pain in my wrists ebb, and I feel something cold being pressed onto my cheeks. Mikasa makes me drink so water, and dabs it over my nose and lips. My right eye won’t open up fully, and is hurting as well. What happened?

Jean finally speaks up. His voice cracks, and tears stream down his face. “T-thank you Mikasa. Bertl.”

“He’ll be okay Jean, stop worrying.”

Jean is back. I look directly at him, and try opening up my mouth. It hurts, but the pain is woth it to make sure Jean is fine. “J-Jean, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, b-but are you okay? I’m s-so sorry…”

Of course he’s blaming himself… he always does. “It’s not your fault, Jean. W-where’s Eren?”

Jean sighs, and shakes his head. “Digging his grave, I hope. Are you okay?”

How to explain, without using the words ‘feeling’ or ‘dead’. “Ummm, sore?”

Jean smiles at me, sadly. “Wouldn’t have guessed.”

An awkward silence falls over the group, and nobody speaks. It’s as if we are all thinking the same thing. What happened, and why did Eren do that? Armin speaks up first. “I’m going to go and check on Eren.”

Armin returns a minute later, and sits down on the couch. “He’s passed out in the bath. Swimming in his own vomit.” Jean looks down, shaking his head. Disgusted.

I want to get up and hold Jean, but I know that’ll just cause me even more pain. “How broken am I?”

Mikasa looks at me, and sighs. “Your wrist are going to have to be in bandages for about a week probably, you have a black eye if you can’t already tell, you have a badly split lip and your jaws are badly bruised. I’m surprised you’re talking to be honest. Also, you will probably have to stay in bed for a few days to cure yourself, you probably have some form of a migraine coming up.”

“Well isn’t this week just going to be a barrell of laughs. Happy Halloween to me.” At least I still have my sarcasm. “Sorry for ruining the party everyone.”

“It’s fine!”

“Don’t worry about it!”

“It’s not your fault!”

“Eren shouldn’t have lashed out like that!”

“Just get better Marco.”

It was my fault. It’s not Eren’s fault. I said something, and it triggered him. It is my fault.

“What did I say so bad that gave Eren the impulse to beat me up?”

Jean speaks up, since everybody else is silent. “Marco cracked a joke at Eren… ‘Yo mama’s so dead that she wouldn’t even be carbon-dated’ or something like that.”

Mikasa looks at me, and explains. “Eren would have taken personal offence to that… his mother is dead, and his father left them forever.”

Oh my god.

What have I done, what have I done, what have I done.

I look at Mikasa desperately, she’d have to understand. “L-let me see him. Please. I need… I have to say sorry.”

Mikasa shakes her head, looking down at me. “Not yet Marco, in the meantime I think you should go home and get some rest. I’m sure Jean could take care of you… Jean?” Jean nods, and sighs. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NO. WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE NEXT CHAPTER IS. IF YOU DON'T... DON'T READ CHAPTER 9 OF JEAN's POV.
> 
> THIS IS GOING TO CAUSE ME EMOTIONAL PAIN ON A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
> 
> I AM SO SORRY.
> 
> Give me a minute while I find that box that I had to hide in after posting Jean's P.O.V for this scene...  
> Ahh, there. *hides and seals*
> 
> *muffled* Not coming out.


	9. Bloodwater

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:::
> 
> Implied Self-Harm
> 
> Please do not read on if you are triggered by this.

"It was like a nightmare, it's painful for me, because nobody wants to die too fast. Remember the day of grief, now it's strange for me. I could see your face. I could hear your voice."

-Reluctant Heroes, MPI

 

I know it takes a long time to heal. Not only physically, but emotionally. I’ve learnt over time, the times in my life when something had just broken me so much on the inside that I need to take a step back a reassess the situation. What did I do wrong? What did I do right? What could I have done to prevent this from happening? Why did it go wrong? What happened?

I sat down in bed, only half awake, and took my time answering each of them. I needed to work out what happened.

What did I do wrong? Well, I knew that much thanks to the combined efforts of both Mikasa and Jean. I had said something about Eren’s mother being dead, and that triggered Eren.

What did I do right? I know that Eren isn’t actually hurt, so that means I did do something right. I didn’t hit back.

What could I have done to prevent this from happening? Well, I guess I could have stopped myself from reacting. I should have stopped drinking, I should have stopped myself from digging in, and trying to get Eren back for offending my mother.

Why did it go wrong? I knew that as well. It went wrong because I said something, and Eren reacted. I should have shut up, and Eren should have been a bit nicer. But there were other reasons that it went wrong, I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to add that into the equation yet.

Eren could have been stopped, if someone had stood up and stopped him. I wasn’t in the position to stop him, so I couldn’t blame this part on myself.

Reiner had told me when everyone was packing up that Mikasa had been the one to get Eren off me. She was apparently asleep on his couch, but was woken up when Eren screaming in my face. She got Eren off me, and locked him in the bathroom. I asked where Jean was then, and Reiner sighed and simply told me that he didn’t know. Apparently he was in his own world, and didn’t move until Mikasa got Eren off me. At which point he fainted and had to be moved to the sofa.

I sighed, and decided that I needed to get my mind off of things. I got out of bed, and managed to walk out ot the main room. There was an eerie silence, and I started wondering where everyone was. I knew that Connie was spending the night at Sasha’s, but Jean was supposed to be here. Where was he?

“Jean?”

I walked over to the other side of the main room, and came to the second hallway. The toilet and bathroom were silent, I couldn’t hear anyone.

“Jean? Are you home?”

There was silence in reply, and I decided that he must have gone to the shops or something. I walked out of the hallway, and went into the study. I always do this whenever there is no one home. I don’t normally like playing piano and singing in front of people, its very easy to go out of tune or play a wrong note.

I sit down at the keyboard, and turn it on. I play the first song that comes to mind… one of the very few that I had memorised. ‘Safe and Sound’ by Taylor Swift. When I first heard it I fell in love, and instantly decided to learn it. Now it had turned into the song that I play whenever I’m scared.

I was scared at the moment.

I was scared for Jean.

“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’d never let you go. When all those shadows almost killed your light.”

It applies to me and Jean, as most sad songs do. It’s depressing to think about, but it’s good to know that we at least have some things that we do understand. We understand the feeling of being lost, hopelessness.

This line reminded me of when me and Jean sat down in the public gardens, and he told me about his past. He was crying, and I told him I was going to help him. He almost lost to the depression that night, but I was there for him. I opened up the path the he needed to take. Freedom.

“I remember you said don’t leave me here alone, but all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight.”

I pause, and get ready for the chorus. It always ruins me, always.

“Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one could hurt you now. Come morning light… you and I’ll be safe and sound.”

I hold back any stray tears, and don’t even stop playing when a sound comes from somewhere in the house. I want to finish it. I have to.

“Don’t you dare look out your window, darling everything’s on fire. The war outside our door keeps raging on.”

Don’t think about the depression, or it will take you. Live life like you don’t care, like you don’t have anything that is eating you up. Live like there will be no tomorrow, because with each day that passes you know that you are coming closer and closer to the end.

“Hold on to this lullaby, even when the music’s gone.”

Don’t give up. Live on. It goes away, it does. You just need to tough it out to the end. It will be hard, but you can make it.

“Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one could hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound.”

I hope that we will be, but I know, somewhere deep inside, that we won’t be. We won’t ever be safe, no one ever is. I play a wrong note, but I won’t let that stop me.

I play the bridge, my fingers sweeping up and down the keyboard keys.

“Just close your eyes.”

I shut them tightly, and pretend that everything is okay. Just for a second.

“You’ll be alright.”

One day. One day.

“Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound.”

I finish the song slowly, and sit in the chair quietly. I let my thoughts settle until they are just a distant rumble, and everything is peaceful.

I hear an echo coming down the hallway, and realise that I’m not alone.

Somebody is here… and it sounds like they’re crying. Choking on tears, and trying to muffle the sound.

“Jean?” I stand up in the chair and move around the house faster than I did before. Who is here? The only person that comes to mind is Jean.

“Jean, are you here?” I tread lightly down the hallway, seeking the source of the sound. It’s coming from the toilet or bathroom. There’s a swishing sound, like water. Maybe Connie’s just left the tap on in the bathroom. It’s happened before.

I walk straight to the bathroom, and open the door.

“AHHHHHHH!!!” There’s a scream, and I almost shut the door again out of surprise. But I’ve already seen the full bathtub. The water’s not clear though.

I open the door fully, and stand in the doorway.

Jean?

He’s in the bathtub, and looking down itching at something. The water is red, and I wonder that the heck it going on. I move closer, and see that he is in pain.

“JEAN!”

Jean sobs, and itches again. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry…”

I watch as he takes a deep breath, and scratches at his leg again. This time his head lolls forward, and his body goes limp. His head is underwater, and he isn’t coming back up.

“JEEAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!”

I run over, and see the reason why the water is so red.

It isn’t water.

It’s blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was an accident i swear


	10. Seeing Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ::TRIGGER WARNING::
> 
> Depictions of self-harm, and mentions of suicide and depression.

“One day the blood won’t fall so gladly, one day we’ll all get still.”

-World Alone, Lorde

**  
  
**

My instincts kicked in, and I lifted his head up out of the water, sitting it back against the wall.

Then I ran.

I got out of the dorm, and stood in the foyer. I didn’t think before I ran to Armin’s dorm right next door, and slammed the door open. Nobody was home, so I ran straight to their kitchen, and grabbed the whole medical box on their table. It was left there after the events of last night, and it was lucky that it was still there.

I picked it up, and ran back to our dorm. I slammed the door to the bathroom open, and Jean’s lifeless body was still in the bath. I dropped the medical box, and ran over to him. I prayed as I put my hand in front of his mouth. He was still breathing, and after feeling his chest I worked out that his heart was still beating.

I just needed to make sure that it stayed that way.

With the adrenaline coursing through my veins, I somehow managed to lift up his body and rest it on the floor. I would take care of the mess around and inside the bathtub later. My main priority was Jean.

I still had no idea what had happened. All I saw was Jean covered in blood, and I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.

I grabbed paper towels, and started patting him down, top to bottom. It started at his stomach, but there was nothing there. I kept going down, choosing to avoid his boxers. I started on his legs, then it all of a sudden made sense.

I patted down his thighs, and skin became cuts. All over his legs, no particular patterns. I kept telling myself that he wasn’t cutting, he wasn’t. He had hurt himself in some other way. There was only one way to find out.

I jumped up, and searched around the room. There was nothing, and I was almost certain that I was right.

He had hurt himself somehow, and then decided to try and clean himself up in the bathtub. But that left two questions.

Why didn’t he answer when I called out for him? And why was he scratching?

I walked over to the bathtub, reaching into the deepest part to take the plug out. I found what I thought was the plug, and pulled. But what came out was the last thing that I wanted to find.

A blood stained knife.

I screamed, and threw it to the other side of the room, and it slid underneath the sink. I collapsed down next to Jean, and I cried. I then realised that I was doing the opposite of what needed to be down. Pretend he fell over or something, and help him.

I grabbed a bucket from the corner of the room, and vomited.

I couldn’t pretend that I hadn’t seen it.

I couldn’t.

The truth was right in front of me, in the form of my cut up boyfriend.

I vomited until nothing else could come out, and then got back to work. I finished patting him off, and then grabbed the bandages. I knew what I had to do, I had taken classes in case I ever found myself in the state Jean was in right now.

It had happened before.

I cleared all thoughts from my mind, and told myself what to do.

“Get a towel, and press down on the area where there is the most damage.” I grabbed a towel from our rack, and started pressing down. I did that for about a minute, and then lifted the towel again. Blood was still seeping out from the cuts. “SHIT. No no no no no. Come on work please! Direct pressure… come on…” It wasn’t working. Jean was going to die of blood loss. I cried, and pressed down harder, to no avail. Time for Plan B. “Okay… okay… elevate above heart level…” I grabbed a stool, and positioned it in front of Jean’s legs. I lifted his foot up onto the stool, and then grabbed a fresh towel and put it underneath Jean’s left leg. I turned around to check his breathing, and caught him fall back and knock his head on the tiles. He must have woken up briefly.

I shuffled over, and checked his breathing again. It was there, but barely.

I went back to the medical box, and sifted through, trying to find the right type of cream for his cuts. They were the main priority. He was going to bleed out if I wasn’t careful.

I found nothing, and turned back to Jean. I instead applied pressure bandages to his legs, tying them tight enough to cease the bleeding, but just loose enough so that he wouldn’t lose circulation. I turned back to see if he had woken, but he was still. I noticed that his chest had stopped moving.

“No.”

I put my hand against his mouth, and nothing came. He wasn’t breathing.

I checked his heart and pulse… nothing.

Jean was… dead?

I screamed, louder than I had ever before. I curled up into a ball, putting my head between my legs, and I screamed.

It wasn’t too late. I could save him.

I stopped, and rushed over. I knew what to do, I had learnt this.

I moved my hands to the right part of his chest, and placed my hand down. I wrapped my other hand around my wrist, and started counting. Fifteen compression in twelve seconds. Stop. Two full breaths for about two seconds each. And then compressions again. Two breaths, compressions, two breaths, compressions. I checked his pulse again, and almost died of relief when I felt it there.

I did it. Almost.

Jean still wasn’t breathing. I had to breath for him until he could do it for himself again.

Jean had to live. He had to.

I moved my head back up to his mouth and started breathing for him. Five breaths in ten seconds. The ten seconds felt like a lifetime. I pulled away, and checked his breathing. He still wasn’t breathing.

I did the ten seconds of breathing again, nothing.

Again, nothing.

Once more… once more or there was no hope.

One… two… three… four… five. That was it. I moved again, and took a breath in as I moved my hand over his mouth.

Nothing.

There was nothing there.

Jean was going to die… there was nothing I could do to help him now. I leaned over him, and cried. He was gone. It was all my fault that I couldn’t save him. I had waited too long. Now he was dead.

I looked over at the knife under the sink, and so many thoughts ran through my head that I thought I would collapse.

Then there was a cough.

And another.

I looked down, and Jean looked back up at me.

I fell over backwards, and looked up at the roof. I saved his life, I did it. He was alive. I wouldn’t have to bear the burden.

“You’re alive.”

I sat up, and wrapped him up in my arms. I cried, and I don’t know how long it took me to stop. “I can’t believe you Jean, I can’t believe you. Thank you God, thank you so much for waking him up. Shit, holy shit. You’re alive. You are alive.”

I jumped away to check his pulse, still not fully open to the fact that he had come back from the dead. There was a pulse there. He was back he was back he was alive and breathing and his heart was still breathing.

I inspected the rest of him, and realised that his fingers were still bleeding. I started wrapping them up, making sure not to miss a single cut. These would be healed in a few days, they weren’t really anything to worry about, but I was still worried that this was all a hoax.

That he was going to leave me again.

“M-Marco…”

“Why, Jean?” I looked at him, trying to see through whatever mask he was hiding behind. I started crying again, and almost went back into hug him again. But I couldn’t. I was meant to be mad.

He was silent, he wasn’t saying anything. I could see the mask slowly breaking away, and when he spoke he said the last thing that I wanted to hear.

“I didn’t mean to wake up.”

No. I leapt forward, pressing my ear to the space where his heart was. He was going to be okay. His heart was beating, and it wasn’t going to suddenly disappear on me. I wouldn’t let it. And I wasn’t going to let Jean give up so easily either.

“You can’t let it stop.” I moved my head away, and looked him in eyes. Don’t let it stop Jean.

“I’m just another weight on the shoulders of all the people around me. I did the math. The only person who really needs me right now is y-”

You.

He was right. I needed him.

I pressed my head back to his heart, it was still there, beating strongly. “I need you Jean. I need you so much. Just… shit, Jean. Don’t do this ever again. Please.”

“I can’t-”

“You have to. For me.” I pressed my forehead against his, and closed my eyes. “Promise me. You won’t do this again.”  
“I… I promise.”

There was silence between us, and slowly I moved my head back and looked at his injuries. The bandage on his left leg was going red, he was still bleeding.

“Shit.” I untied the knot, and checked the towel underneath. What used to be a white towel was now almost entirely red. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit…” I got rid of the towel, throwing it over to the pile full of other ruined linen. I placed a new towel over the cuts, and then re-tied the bandage.

I felt the familiar feeling of something making its way up my throat, and got to the bucket just in time to empty my stomach for a second time. I vomited until I was just dry heaving, and it made my throat raw. I felt Jean patting my back, and it made me happy to know that he was at least alive.

He almost died, but I could put that behind me. He was alive now.

I moved away from the bucket once I was finished, and stared at the tiles. It was quiet, and what Jean said next was both annoying and surprising.

“I didn’t know you swore.”

Of all the things to say...

“O-oh… I don’t normally. It’s only if I’m under pressure or scared. I’m sorry if you aren’t comfortable with-”

“Oh no it’s fine. I tried to stop swearing for this year, and I’ve been clean for ages now. I can’t believe I’ve lasted this long to be honest.” He laughed, and I felt angry.

“How can you be so laid back about this? I just walked into my bathroom to find my boyfriend swimming in a pool of his own blood, holding a knife to his skin. And what the hell was the scratching about?”

Jean stopped laughing, and looked at the ground.

“I… I’m really sorry Marco. I’m… I can’t tell you why I did it. I’ll save it for… for later.”

I had to respect his decision. I could force him to tell me something if he wasn’t ready.

“Okay, but you need to tell me sometime. And the scratching?”  
“To pass myself out.”

“Why?”  
“Impulse.”

Something behind his voice warned me that he wasn’t telling me the entire truth, but I let it go for my own sake. I probably didn’t want to know anyway.

“Mnh.” I walked over to the bathtub, and emptied it along with the bucket full of vomit.

I sighed, and looked at Jean down on the floor. My throat ached, and I decided that there were still a few things to take care of. “I’m grabbing a glass of water. Do you want anything?”

“Beer.”

No way. You just died, and the first thing you want is beer? I went out to the kitchen, and got two huge glasses of water with ice. I walked back to the bathroom, and kicked the door open.

I handed Jean his glass of water, and he glared at it. “You suck.”

“I just saved your life. So save me your bull and drink up.” He did as he was told, and then looked over at me inquisitively.

“How do you know CPR, and all of this?”

I couldn’t tell him the truth, it wasn’t the right time. I shrugged, and looked at the ground as I lied. “Medical classes in high school. I took them so that if anything ever happened to Luke then I could save him. I don’t want to lose another sibling.”

It was partially true. I didn’t want to lose Luke, but I also wasn’t quite ready to die myself. If I ever ended up in a situation like the one Jean was in again, I needed to know how to treat myself.

“I’m glad I did take that class now.” I looked at Jean’s leg, and it had stopped bleeding through. I fixed it.

“Where did you get the medical stuff from?”

I answered nonchalantly. “Armin.”

Jean stared at me, and he looked scared all of a sudden. “Does Armin know about this?”

“No, Jean. I know you well enough to know that you would murder me if I called someone. I stole it. I’m just gonna say that it was you getting new refills for my injuries.” I looked at my wrists, and shrugged. My face wasn’t hurting too much anymore, I had taken some Panadol and other drugs to ease the pain. I probably just looked sorta dead.

Meanwhile, Jean was glaring at me. “Marco! What are you doing out of bed? Go back to bed right now! How dare you!”

I sighed, and looked at him smiling. “Come on. You need some rest as well. You’re not going back to classes until your legs are healed.”

“I don’t know whether to hate you or love you.” I just saved his god damn life, and he is going to hate me?  “But you saved my life, so I have no choice but to love you.”

“Good.” I sat up, and walked out of the room, deciding that I well and truly deserved sleep now. Suddenly Jean’s voice echoed out from the bathroom.

“I can’t move.”

Oh. I walked backward through the door, looking like I had just realised a very important fact. “That’s right.”

\----------

We spent the next few days bed ridden, playing XBox until the early hours of the morning, and singing My Chemical Romance like our lives depended on it. We also talked a lot, discussing future plans a past stories.

“So why don’t you swear again?” We were sitting down playing Halo again, and I had no idea what time it was. We weren’t exactly sticking to a sleeping schedule. It kinda just happened.

“Oh, it was just one of my many college resolutions. I’ve been doing okay, actually.”

“So what were your college resolutions?”

“No swearing, which I’m doing pretty damn good at. No drinking to get drunk, but screw that plan; not when I’m around you.” I grinned. I’m such a good role-model. I guess it was his fault that I started drinking anyway. “No being a kinky little slut anymore. In fact, I am completely college virgin at the moment. You should be proud.” I looked over at him, and he shrugged. “What?”  
“You want to stay college virgin?” I was a bit skittish when it came to sex, because I had never really experienced it. I was interested in Jean’s views on it though.

“Not saying that I wouldn’t like to have sex one day, but I can wait if you’re not ready.” He wanted to have sex with me. Well. “Do you want to?”

“Wow, elegant Jean.” I laughed, and thought about it. I was open to the idea, but I didn’t know if I was going to be any good at it, much less enjoy it. You never really know. “I don’t know if I’m ready yet, but it won’t be long. I’ve never… you know…”  
“I respect your needs and wants, and I want you to know that I will- WAIT!” He spun around, snatching his phone and pressing around on the screen. What was he doing now?

“AND I WILL WAIT, I WILL WAIT FOR YOU!”

What a god damn nerd. He started singing along, and it was so grossly out of tune that I started laughing until I was crying. He is such an idiot, and I love him so much.

Once we had finished with our impromptu karaoke party (much to the luck of poor Connie), I decided to find out more about him swearing. “Tell me more about this no swearing thing you’ve got going. Why are you not swearing, and did you swear before?”

“I swore a lot back in high school, and I stopped for two reasons. One being that I thought it would make me a better and more attractive person-” Oh my god. I started laughing, and only stopped when Jean glared daggers at me. “The second reason is that I’m on a bet with Eren. First person to be caught swearing has to pay up 30 dollars.”

I paused Halo, and looked at Jean. There was a huge flaw in this.

“But you’re like… rich. It’s only 30 dollars.”

“And losing to Eren. I have a reputation to uphold. Eren will not win.” He pressed the start button again, and started playing. The sound of a gun rang out around the room, and men’s screams echoed. I was focusing on other things though.

I wanted Jean to swear. A small part of me just wanted to hear it coming from his mouth. Something deep inside told me it would be an odd sort of turn on.

“You can swear around me. I won’t tell.”

“Okay… but if you tell him… I’ll…” He paused, and started at the ground.

“You’ll what?” I paused the game, and turned over to look at him. “Stop loving me?”  
I moved over to Jean’s bean bag, and rested my head on the edge. I paused the game again, setting the controller down. I looked at him, and licked my lip.

He shivered, and grinned as he moved his head down to my neck. “No… I could never stop loving you.” He started kissing my neck, and biting every now and then. Wow. I groaned slightly, and he stopped to whisper in my ear. “But I will lose my shit.”

Hoooolllyyyy…

All the blood rushed out of my face, and right to where it really didn’t need to be right at that moment. I laughed and moved back to my bean bag before I leaped on him.

\----------

The days passed slowly, and Armin and Mikasa came over to visit us. The visit was short, and ended up with Armin inviting everyone over to discuss an idea he had. Eren said sorry to us, Mikasa approved of our new medical case, and Armin planned the greatest Christmas trip ever.

We ended up staying up late into the night with all of our friends discussing a road trip around Rose and Maria, travelling through Trost, Jinae, Ragako, Dauper, Shiganshina and outer Maria. It was fun to plan, and we all had so many ideas.

Once we had finished planning, we were left with a plan that consisted of water parks, sleeping under the stars, hunting, clubbing, horse riding and beach trip at Ehrmich, the little private beach just outside of Jinae, my hometown.

The plan was formulated, and we were to set off on the 18th of December and come back two weeks later on New Years Eve. We would be finished with testing 5 days before we left, so we would have heaps of extra time to get a sufficient amount of sleep and time to pack.

It was a perfect plan, and I knew that we were going to have a great time.

\----------

The day of the big Halloween party finally arrived, and after struggling for over 3 hours to get our costumes ready again, Jean and I were heading off.

Our injuries actually made our costumes so much better… my black eye looked super realistic, and Jean’s limp was perfect. We walked into the party next door, and the changes to Armin’s dorm were extreme. The only light source were jack-o-lanterns and pumpkin scented candles, and Armin had gone over the top with the decorations. There were skeletons and ghosts everywhere, and just add of the fact that everyone was dressed up made it so much cooler. We walked in and noticed a huge poster up on the wall.

DRINKS IN THE KITCHEN  
LIVING ROOM FOR DANCING  
REQUEST A SONG AT THE DINING TABLE  
KARAOKE IN THE STUDY  
BATHROOM AND TOILET AVAILABLE FOR USE  
(please don’t make a mess)

ENJOY, AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

“He’s really outdone himself with this one hasn’t he.”

Jean stared around at all of the costumes, and the effort put into making this as fun as possible. It was amazing, I had to admit, and Armin and Eren were going to have a hell of a time cleaning up afterwards.

The costumes ranged from the average witch or ghost to a member of The Power Rangers. There was also the odd person who was just being plain smart, namely one of the girls from my music class, Mina, who was dressed up in her normal pigtails, a shirt that said ‘LIFE’ on it, and a box full of lemons.

“Hey Jean, hey Marco!”

Christa was yelling out to us from the dancefloor, and upon getting closer I realised how different her hair looked. I’d never actually seen her with straight hair, it was either tied up or curled.

“I love your hair like that Christa! I’m so used to it being curled, it looks nice straight!”

“Something’s gotta be.” Ymir walked up, taking Christa as her own and me and Jean were forced to walk away to let them have their make-out session. I saw Bert cowering in the corner of the dancefloor, so I headed straight for him.

“Hey Bertl!” He looked up, and appeared to look as if he had just seen a ghost. I ran over to him, leaving Jean to find his own way. “Are you okay?”

“There are just so many people, and Reiner left me to go and get a drink 5 minutes ago, and he isn’t back yet.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. Here, me and Jean will go over to the kitchen now and see if he’s there.”

We walked over to the bar, stopping every now and then to graciously accept compliments. We did look pretty badass though.

I spotted Reiner, and left Jean again to fetch him. He appeared to be making a dangerous sort of cocktail that I probably didn’t want to go anywhere near.

“Uh, hey! Reiner?”

“Yo! Marco! Look at this!”

He grabbed a lighter of the bench, and then grabbed the glass he had filled up with alcohol. He lit the lighter, and then set fire to the rim of the glass?

“REINER!” I snatched the glass off him, and dropped it in the sink, pouring water over it. Reiner was behind me, laughing his ass off. “You! Go to your boyfriend! He’s going to drown in his own sweat if he doesn’t see you soon! He’s going mad!”

“Ooookayyyyy…” Reiner pouted, but went back to his boyfriend anyway.

I went back to Jean, and sat down on the barstool beside him. He gave me a shot, and I looked up at him.

“Where’s the limes?”

Jean looked confused, then he grinned widely. He walked away, and came back a few minutes later with two lemons. He put them down on the table, grabbing a knife and starting to tear them into pieces with the wrong side of the blade.

“Where did you get them from?” I grabbed the knife from him, and cut them up properly.

“Life.” I laughed when I realised that he meant Mina, and then took the shot. Jean looked over at me once he finished it, and smiled. “When life gives you lemons, make tequila shots.”

“Dude. Don’t get all deep on me.”

Jean grinned, and gave me a suggestive look. “Why not? What if I want to get deep on you?”

Oh. We laughed, and then decided to go and join in the karaoke in Armin and Eren’s study.

\-----------

We walked in, and my ears were instantly beaten up by Ymir’s rendition of ‘Check Yes Juliet’.

“Check Yes Juliet are you with me? Rain is falling down on the sidewalk I won’t go, until you come outside!”

We finally managed to push our way into the study, and we were greeting by Ymir marching around Christa who was sitting down on a chair laughing.

“RUN BABY RUN! DON’T EVER LOOK BACK!”

Jean and I leant back up against one of the walls, and laughed and clapped when Ymir and Christa were finished… and instantly attached at the hips and lips. Eren grabbed the microphone, and selected a song that I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“I tear my heart open, and sew myself shut! My weakness is that I care too much!”

‘Scars’ echoed around the room, and I was surprised by how well Eren seemed to not only know the song, but sing it.  “Eren’s not bad.”

“No. He isn’t.”

Jean was being nicer to Eren now, and I couldn’t have been prouder. He was becoming nicer and more understanding… and it was nice. I didn’t want to have to grow used to Eren and Jean constantly fighting.

Eren finished up, appearing to be quite proud of himself. He immediately walked up to me, handing me the microphone. “Show ‘em all what you got music boy.”

I walked up to the karaoke machine, and Jean followed me. I was going to do something that everyone would expect, until Jean spoke up.

“Do they have any Taylor Swift on there?”

He knew. He had heard me playing and singing ‘Safe and Sound’. I looked at him, and he smiled.

“You know what I’m thinking Freckles. Safe and Sound… kill it.”

It was sad, this was the song that I would forever think of as the last song Jean heard before he died. He was alive now, but I was still so worried that he would be taken away from me at any time.

I pressed play, and the tinkling sound started up. I looked over at Jean, and he was leaning up against the wall, smiling. Proud.

“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’d never let you go. When all those shadows almost killed your light.”

The room fell silent, and all I could hear was my own voice, and back track, and the distant sound of the dance music. Everyone was watching me.

“I remember you said don’t leave me here alone. But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight.”

I looked at Jean, and walked up to him slowly.

“Just close your eyes, the sun is going down. You’ll be alright, no one could hurt you now. Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe… and… sound…”

I serenaded Jean, and from the outside I would have looked romantic, but it had so much more meaning to us. It always would.

I finished the song, and smiled and thanked everyone for the compliments. I finally got away, and immediately ran over to Jean. I chucked the microphone at Reiner, and then hugged Jean close to me. He was still here. He wasn’t leaving.

“Thank you.”

“Marco, that was all you out there. You only have yourself to thank.”

I was about to tell him I loved him, but Reiner’s drunk voice echoed out around the room and everyone started laughing.

“SHE GOT A BOOTY LIKE AN HOURGLASS BUT I CAN GIVE IT TO YOU ALL THE TIME!”

Bertholdt was shivering on the chair, and Reiner approaching him all seductively wasn’t helping him one bit. “SHE GOT A BOOTY LIKE A CADILLAC BUT I CAN SEND YOU INTO OVERDRIVE, BOY!”

Reiner eased himself down on Bertholdt, and I turned away, not wanting to know what he was about to do. Jean was laughing beside me, and everyone seemed to be used to this. I still wasn’t.

The song ended thankfully, and Jean got handed the mic. His name was echoing around the room, people pushing him on. I ran up to the machine, and selected a song for him. He walked into the middle of the room, and shook his head. I made my way back to the sidelines and shouted out for him along with everyone else in the room.

“GO JEAN!”  
“THAT IT HORSEFACE!”

“COME ON JEANY BOY!”  
“GO BABE!”

He turned around and glared at me, but I just blushed and grinned. The room fell silent as the song began.

“They’re gonna clean up your looks, with all the lies and the books, to make a citizen out of you!” I whistled, and everyone started clapping along with the music. “Because they sleep with a gun, to keep an eye on you son, so they can watch all the things that you do.”

Jean ran up to me, grabbing my hand and spinning me onto the stage. He then started circling me, shouting into the microphone. He was grinning and laughing, and appeared to be having a lot of fun. I couldn’t have been happier for him.

“Because the drugs never work! They’re gonna give you a smirk! Cause they’ve got methods of keeping you clean! They’re gonna rip of your heads your aspirations to shreds… ANOTHER COG IN THE MURDER MACHINE!”

We sung the chorus together, and the crowd that had gathered was joining in as well.

“They say that teenagers scare the living shit out of me! They couldn’t care less as long as someone’ll bleed! So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose! Maybe they’ll leave you alone but NOT ME!”

Jean looked at me, and passed the microphone over. He grinned and winked at me. My turn.

“The boys and girls in clique, the awful names and they stick, you’re never gonna fit in much kid!” I walked up closer to Jean, getting up close to his face. “But if you’re troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt…” I lifted up my shirt quickly, showing my stomach. Jean grinned and grabbed my waist. “WE’LL MAKE ‘EM PAY FOR THE THINGS THAT THEY DID!”

“They say that teenagers scare the living shit out of me! They couldn’t care less as long as someone’ll bleed! So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose! Maybe they’ll leave you alone but NOT ME!”

\----------

We were asked to sing and encore, and I knew exactly what song.

I needed to get the point across, and this was a good way to do it. Jean would understand, but no one else would.

“Weep for yourself my man you’ll never be what is in your heart. Weep little lion man you’re not as brave as you were at the start.”

Jean joined in, smiling. “Rate yourself and rake yourself, take all the courage that you have left. Waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head.”

I took the microphone for myself, and sang. I pointed my finger at him, know he would understand.

“But it was not your fault but mine! And it was your heart on the line!” I looked into his eyes, ignoring the fact that my eyes were stinging from the presence of tears.

“I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear? Didn’t I my dear?”

We sang the rest of the song, the crowd cheering on without knowing that I was telling my boyfriend to stop killing himself.

They would never know, but I could see that Jean understood. He couldn’t die yet, I wouldn’t let him. The song finished and I pulled him in for a hug.

“I love you so much, Jean. Please don’t.”

I heard him sniffle, but I forgot it instantly. The little nod that I felt him give me meant so much more than he would ever know.

 

We learnt more from that 3 minute record than we could ever learn from school.

 

He learnt that I love him even at his darkest, and therefore I would love him at his brightest.

 

I learnt that the strongest people are the ones that cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody else knows exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS!!!! one more chapter and then open your eyes is starting up again!!!!!
> 
> CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH
> 
> its australia day and i still feeling like mother nature is trying to cook me up like a goddamn meat pie send help


	11. Distant Skylines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cakes, swearing, left-overs and new horizons.

"Howling ghosts they reappear in mountains that are stacked with fear, but you're a king and I'm your lionheart."

-King and Lionheart, Of Monsters and Men

 

Before I left the party I asked Eren if there were any more parties coming up, and he said there wasn’t anything big, but Armin’s birthday was in 3 days. It was decided.

It had been a while since I had done any really baking, so it was decided that I would be baking a cake for Armin’s birthday.

The second the party ended, I was back to our dorm and in the kitchen, baking the cakes. I knew how long it was going to take, making sure I still had enough time to study for our upcoming finals… oh and sleep. But that wasn’t important.

“Marco, what are you doing? Are you baking again?”

“Yep!” I was surrounded by flour, sugar and eggs before Jean had even stepped fully into the dorm.

“Are you okay?”

The fact that Jean remembered how I bake when I’m stressed made me smile. “I’m fine, I just need to work on the cake for Armin’s birthday on the third.”

Jean looked at the ground, and nodded slightly. He then looked back up at me, clearly confused. “Why are you making Armin’s cake for him? Does he want you to?”

“No, I’m doing it because it is a nice thing that friends would do. You can’t tell anybody. Connie already knows, and he has promised to keep it a secret.” Sure, I had to promise to save some of the icing for him afterwards, but he promised. “Now, tell me. Strawberry, chocolate, caramel, or vanilla?”

“Vanilla with chocolate icing and strawberries.” Thank god. Caramel would have been an absolute pain in the ass to make. “But I didn’t even know you could bake! Well, despite the biscuits but… I think we both had a part in how those turned out.” I laughed, and started gathering the most important ingredients. Strawberries… I could make something pretty out of them. And chocolate, I need to temper that to put in the icing. Cocoa powder just wouldn’t do.

Jean watched on, amazed. He then grabbed his electronics and sat down on the couch. I understood what he was getting at. He didn’t want to screw it up. I laughed under my breath, and got started on making separate vanilla cakes.

\----------

The next day mainly consisted of shaping the cakes to perfection, and studying. I wasn’t too worried about my exams, I had stayed on top of my studying pile and I didn’t have much that I really needed to know. That meant I could put my main focus on Armin’s cake for the day before his birthday.

That day came soon enough, and I spent the whole afternoon making chocolate sugar paste icing, which was not the most fun I had ever had.

Sugar paste icing is the shit when it comes to covering cakes, but god it is so annoying.

Jean offered to help countless times, but I had to say no. He made sure to keep company throughout the whole process though, even at 3 in the morning when I was just finishing up.

“Are you done yet?”

“Just need the script.”

“Okay. Do you want any help?” His sentenced ended on such a high note that I knew he was begging of me to say no.

“I don’t think there is really anything you could do Jean. Unless you have some magical hidden talent that makes you capable of flawless French Script.”

Jean sighed in a fashion that could have only translate to ‘thank god’. “Okay I’ll continue scrolling.”

I grinned. “Thought so.”

About half an hour later I had finally put the finishing touches on the cake, and all I had to do was put a few more icing flowers on, and it was complete.

“Jean! I’m almost done!”

He jumped up, and parkoured his way over to the kitchen. He watched as I piped on the final flowers, and then he grinned, nodding.

I had successfully made a three layer vanilla cake with chocolate sugar paste icing, white chocolate flowers and strawberries arranged like flowers.

I watched Jean closely for his reaction, and was surprised when he jumped suddenly.

“Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah… sorry.” He grinned, and started judging the cake. “Icing, flawless. Writing, flawless. Flowers, how did you even make those? Flawless. Now, just one last thing to test. How does it taste?” He picked up a nearby knife, and made a move that looked as if he was going to cut it. My instant reaction probably could have gotten one of us killed, but it didn’t. The medicine cupboard does have a knife sticking out of it’s door now, but apart from that, everything is okay.

Jean just stared at me like I was Superman, and shook his head slowly. “I was joking.”

“Okay.” I shook it off, and then went over to the fridge, pulling out the bowl sI had filled up with all the extras… cake off-cuts, icing, flowers and strawberry slices.  “Go to town, darling.”

He piled a little bit of everything on top of a piece of cake, and then stuffed the whole thing in his mouth. I looked at, his eyes wide. “I wuf ooh so muh.”

I smiled, and imitated him. “I wuv ooh too you idiot.”

And that’s how we ended up watching Cake Boss until the stupid hours of the morning, eating left-overs and laughing at all of the awful things that happened to the poor bakers and their clients.

\----------

The cake went down really well with everyone on Armin’s birthday.

Everyone was gathered around the table waiting for Sasha and Connie to turn up so that we could start eating. Finally, we heard a knock at the door, and Jean went up to answer it. I noticed how he gave Reiner a meaningful look before he went up.

When Jean disappeared down the hall, Reiner turned to all of us.

“Prepare yourselves.”

What for?

Sasha’s voice came down the hallway, echoing into the main room. “I smell vanilla cake, chocolate, and strawberries. That means a cake. And there is lots of it.”

No way.

“You’re right!”

There was a pause, and then Sasha voice was heard again. “OhmygodIwantthecakegivemethatCAKE!”

There was a blur of movement as Sasha’s form pounced into the living room, and I clutched my plate to my chest for dear life. Reiner was laughing, and Connie was the next one to speak. “Oh my God she’s gonna shit herself.”

He and Jean appeared around the corner, and both started laughing when they saw the scene the Sasha had caused. Armin was trying to save either Sasha or the cake, and Reiner, Ymir and Eren were laughing madly. Mikasa and Annie both looked slightly bored, and Christa was trying and failing to bring Sasha back to the overworld.

She had turned into god damn devil spawn. She was staring at the cake as if it was made of pure diamonds, and she was less than 3 centimetres away from it.

Ugh, she was probably breathing all over it.

“It so preeettttyyyyyy…”

She apparently wasn’t capable of speaking the English language either.

We finally managed to cut up the cake, sharing it around. Everyone told me that I did an amazing job, and apparently I’ve been hired for future birthdays and weddings as well.

\---------

Before we knew it, it was time to start packing and getting prepared for our road trip. We had been anticipating this day for so long now, and since the exams and testing was over for this year, it was finally time for us to set off for the unknown. Jean and I had already packed, so all we had to do was get out bags out to the main corridor. Whilst moving them out there, I saw that everyone else also had their bags out and ready.

We finished up at nine, and we had free time until it was time to leave at 12. So we did what we did best, drinking stupid amounts of coffee, and browse the internet. It was about 10pm when I asked something that had been bugging me for quite a while now. It was way too silent.

“Where’s Connie? I haven’t seen him since we got up.”

“With Sasha. They’re buying an independent snack stock or whatever the hell it was.”

Of course they are. Jean seemed didn’t seem to be very excited, or happy at all. He just… was. I couldn’t see any emotion, and I started having my doubts.

What if he didn’t want to go on this road trip?

“Are you looking forward to the road trip?”

“Yes, I am actually.” He sounded like he was telling the truth, and it gave me some hope. “I’m hoping that it’s going to help me get better. You know… with being sad and all.”

“Jean. I’m sure it will make you feel so much better! We are going to have ball! Travelling around Maria with your best friends, seeing sights, eating great food, sleeping under the stars…” Jean seemed to stop paying attention, moving to his own little world. “Jean, you’re going to get better, I’ll make sure of it.”

“Marco…”

He didn’t think he was going to get better. He had that same feeling that everyone with depression has… the feeling from deep within that tells them that they are never going to get better. I had to let him know. I had to.

Jean turned to me, and his eyes were tearing up.

“Sometimes life isn’t for everyone.”

No. I looked back at him, making my words forceful. Please hear me out Jean. You need to understand that you aren’t alone in this… I’m here beside you. I’m right here.

“Depression is like a war. You either win or you die trying. We’re going to win Jean. You and me together. We will fight.”

He looked at me, nodding slightly, stray tears falling down his cheeks. Wordlessly, he moved beside me and wrapped his arms around my neck. “Okay.”

\----------

It was time.

We were heading off for the unknown.

Everyone who was coming on the road trip was gathered in the Trost College car park, and all of our vehicles had been packed. Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie were all travelling in Reiner’s Titan, and Connie and Sasha were taking Connie’s old Jeep. Armin, Eren and Mikasa were riding in Eren’s mini-van, which would be stocking most of our goods, and me and Jean were in his Lotus.

We made sure we had everything, and then quickly made a plan. We were going to Jean’s house first, so he told us what would be happening.

“We’ll get to my house, and then raid it for anything we’re going to want or need. I have a whole heap of camping stuff in the attic from when my father thought camping was cool, and we also have heaps of long-lasting food. We’ll pack all that up, and I’ll raid my father’s bank for money.”

“What?” Armin looked at Jean like he was mad. “You’re kidding right?”

“Let’s just say he owes me.” He looked over at me, and winked. Oh god, this was going to get him in so much trouble. “There is a possibility that my parents with be there, but whatever.”

I was prepared. I had spent the last month’s free time packing as much French into my brain as I could deal with. Which turned out to be a lot. Jean didn’t know, so this was going to be a surprise to him.

Reiner waved his hands around in the air as if that was going to help him see the plan clearly. “Hang on… what if your parents arrive and they just see a whole heap of randoms hoisting tents and shit around? What are you gonna say?”

Jean looked at Eren, and sighed. “Can I swear?”

“Dude, I think the bets over. We’re good here. I owe you.” Jean grinned, and fist bumped him.

“So? What are you gonna say?”

“Fuck you.”

\----------

“WE’RE BURNING DOWN THE HIGHWAY SKYLINE! ON THE BACK OF A HURRICANE, THAT STARTED TURNING WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG!”

I lifted my hands up in the air, and felt it brushing past me, sticking my shirt to my skin and sending my hair astray. Jean had a hole in the roof of his car, I just had to hope that it was made specifically for this purpose.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

We were driving down the backroads of Trost, taking the back way around to Jean’s house. These roads were quieter, so we were free to do practically anything we wanted.

“You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways, you play forgiveness, watch him now! Here he comes!”

Jean turned the music out, and we both screamed out loud.

“He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus but he talks like a gentleman, like you imagined when you were YOUNG!”

“I SAID HE DOESN’T LOOK A THING LIKE JESUS!”

I waved my hands around in the air once more, before falling back into the Lotus. Jean was staring at me, smiling dopily, so I turned his head back to road before we crashed. He was smiling, laughing and singing along like he was going to live forever. He was acting as if he wasn’t dead on the inside, and it made me so happy. This is all I ever wanted for him.

“HE DOESN’T LOOK A THING LIKE JESUS!”

Jean sang along to the music, his hair waving along in time with the wind flowing in from the open window. His eyes glowed golden, and he smiled as he sung the last line.

“But more than you’ll ever know.”

**  
  
  
  
  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEXT CHAPTER OF OPEN YOUR EYES UP IS NEXT, SO IF YOU WANT THE NEXT PART OF THE STORY THEN PLEASE CHECK IT OUT THERE!!!!
> 
> THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT EVERYONE!!!!


	12. Finding Confidence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leave them, and never go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: HOMOPHOBIC SLURS
> 
>  
> 
> ahahAHAHAHAHA S L A Y M E
> 
> WRITING ISN'T NORMALLY THIS HARD

“Who they want you to be, who they wanted to see, kill the party with me… and never GO HOME!”  
-Planetary (GO!), My Chemical Romance  
  
  
  
We arrived outside Jean’s house, and I sat back and smiled at the surprised look on everyone’s faces. I would have thought that they would expect Jean’s house to be so big, but maybe they just weren’t expecting something this grand.  
  
Reiner sighed dramatically, and pointed towards the huge front doors. “So this is it?”  
  
Jean grinned, and walked up to open up the doors for us. We walked in, and everyone immediately started looked up at the high roof, and the various arches that lined the hallways; paths to other rooms that would probably surprise them even more.  
  
“Armin and Eren, you can go and take care of the food. The kitchen is over there, just take whatever you see that will last.” Armin and Eren nodded, but Jean continued. “Sasha and Connie, you can help them.” Sasha’s eyes lit up, and she turned to Connie excitedly. What was Jean thinking assigning them this task? “But don’t eat anything because we…” His sentence faded out as he realised that no one was listening anymore, Sasha and Connie had already sprinted through the nearest arch to the kitchen, Armin and Eren following them slowly.  
  
“Annie, Mikasa, Reiner and Bertholdt.” What about me? “I’ll show you where the attic is, and where everything is for you to pack. Marco, you can go and raid my bedroom for anything that could be of use.” I grinned, nodding. I left the small group, running up the stairs and turning the corner into Jean’s bedroom. My grin widened even more when I heard Reiner questioning how I knew my way around Jean’s house.  
  
I opened up the door and invited myself in, heading straight for the biggest cupboard I could see. There had to be something in there. I ripped open the cupboard, and grinned when I saw the contents. Nothing useful for our road trip, but it was probably Jean’s most prized collection.  
  
Every single shelf in the cupboard was filled with canvases, paintbrushes and thousands of tubes of all types of paint. Every shade of the rainbow was there, and they were all sorted out in their own little draws. I couldn’t believe that he could keep a paint tube collection this tidy, but making his bed each day was _way_ too much work.  
  
I sighed, smiling to myself, and then closed the cupboard. I looked around the room, realising that despite its size, there really wasn’t that much in there. My room was small, but packed, but Jean’s room was just… empty. Most people would just pass this fact, forget about it… but to me it meant so much more. The fact that his room was so empty and devoid of any memories just showed how much he hated living here.  
  
I already knew that Jean was never really that close to his parents, but this was just another reminder of how lucky I was to at least be really close to one of my parents. Jean had never said it out loud, but I always knew it. He never really considered his home as ‘home’. He didn’t feel safe here. And ever since his realisation that he liked guys, he probably realised just how much trouble he was in.  
  
I remembered that on the way over Jean mentioned that his parents might be dropping in, and that they didn’t know that this was happening yet. Everybody else just shrugged and got on with their lives, but I could tell from the way that Jean told us this information that he was really nervous about them finding out. Everyone else though that Jean was really strong, and he is sometimes, but there is always a small part of his that shuts down whenever his parents come up in conversation. A small part of his dies, and he loses all happiness for only a fraction of a second before he redeems himself. I can tell from the way his face falls, how he gets slightly pale, how his ears go red from either fear or anger.  
  
I knew that if Jean’s parents did arrive today, I might be dealing with something so much bigger than I even imagined. I always thought that rich people could be slightly stuck up, but Jean’s parents sounded so much more than stuck up. They sounded just plain horrible. I knew that if I witnessed anything scary today, that I would have to stand up. I knew that Jean wouldn’t be able to, which meant that I had to take over. I had already prepared possible things for me to say, but I just didn’t know that if in the moment I would be able to pluck up the courage to say it.  
  
I decided that for the moment I would have to put all of my fears behind me… there were good times ahead of us and those were the moments that I wanted to focus on right now. I had to stay in the moment, and stop thinking about all of the awful things that might happen. I do it too often, and it only results in me getting too worked up and stressed about something I shouldn’t even be worrying about.  
  
I walked over to Jean’s cupboard, and pushed the doors open. I grinned when I saw the top shelf, which was stuffed with bits and pieces of things that Jean probably forgot that he even owned. I grabbed Jean’s office chair from his empty desk, and stood up on it so that I could reach the contents of Jean’s long forgotten past.  
  
I grabbed the first thing I saw, box labelled ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos’. I laughed, and placed it down on Jean’s bed. I started grabbing all of the odd boxes I found up there and managed to put together quite a nice collection of board games. There would probably be times when we would be bored, so these board games would probably come in handy. We would have any internet for most of our road trip, so pass times were a necessity.  
  
I couldn’t see the back of the top shelf, so I hopped of the chair to put it at the highest height. I hopped back on, and almost high fived myself. I had found the mother lode. There were two eskies up against the back of the shelf, and I instantly realised that these were going to be really important for storing drinks and food in. I grabbed them, and put them down on the floor. I moved over to the other side of the shelf, and started reaching for old bedding.  
  
There was a click as the door opened, and Jean’s voice echoed around the room. “Marco, where did you get all of this?”  
  
“The top of your cupboard. It’s like a treasure chest! A gift that just keeps on giving!” I pulled out the bedding, and threw it all over Jean’s floor. I hopped down from the chair, and landed in front of Jean. I grinned, and threw my hands up into the air. “What do you think?”  
  
He looked around at the mess I had caused in his bedroom, and smiled. “Actually, I guess these are actually a really good idea.” Jean gave me the thumbs up, grinning, and then together we started moving the things down to the cars. We soon rounded up the rest of our friends, and together we got the last of the bedding from one of Jean’s many linen cupboards. He all had fresh pillows, so now we just had to stuff them into the back of Eren’s mini-van.  
  
Bertl reached to open up the front door for us, but it opened up on its own. A huge man (and I don’t mean tall) stood in the doorway, and a slightly taller woman stood behind him. Her face was grossly white, her lips blood red and her hair a blinding yellow. The man looked down at us, and I shuddered. He was terrifying. I then realised who it was… I knew those golden eyes.  
  
Jean pushed in front of us until he was standing right in front of us all. The big man snorted, and spoke. “Oh Jean, you’re here already. I was going to ask you to attend a dinner tonight. And also, who are these friends?” His eyes scanned over us, only resting on us for a millisecond. The golden stare eventually rested on Jean again, and his eyebrow raised expectantly, waiting for an answer. Jean was silent… he was shutting down already.  
  
He wasn’t prepared to be facing his parents.  
  
Jean shuddered, and cleared his throat. He normally only did that when he was nervous… this wasn’t going to end well. I could tell already. “Uh, no sorry Father. I can’t attend your dinner… I need sleep. Me and my friends are going on a road trip.” He was tapping his foot lightly, and shuffling backwards a little bit. I could almost tell that he was expecting for something big to happen. Something told me that his father wasn’t going to be blowing up today… something told me that he had a calm and quiet reputation to uphold. I wondered how long it was going to last. I wondered how long Jean was going to last.  
  
Jean’s dad chucked, and shook his head. “No you’re not. You’re attending my dinner.”  
  
I looked at the man, disbelieving that he could treat his son like that. My mother would never say anything like that to me. Jean was over 18, and therefore had the right to make his own decisions. His dad shouldn’t be treating him like that. A small part of me hoped that Jean wouldn’t just let this go on, I wanted him to be strong and stand up for what was right.  
  
I didn’t have to worry for long though, Reiner was stepping up to address Jean’s dad for him. “We were wondering if we could all sleep here tonight, if that’s okay with you?”  
  
I was expecting Jean’s dad to smile and say that’s alright, and maybe just give Jean a firm talking to about having people over without his knowing. I could tell something else was going to happen, when I saw a familiar glint in the golden eye. I had seen this before with Jean, it was fleeting but visible. I followed the path of his eyes, and realised that it was resting on Reiner and Bertholdt’s inter-twined hands. Oh no.  
  
The man’s vision flickered from Reiner and Bertholdt’s hands to Jean, where he stared a hole through any hope Jean may have had left. I looked over at Jean’s mother, hoping that she would step in… at least one of his parents had to have an ounce of humanity in them. She seemed to be just as horrified as Mr Kirschtein though… the look she was giving Reiner and Bertholdt was one of absolute terror. She was acting as if being gay was a contagious disease.  
  
“Who are you?” Mr Kirschtein’s eyes bore into Reiner and Bertholdt, and Bertl cowered beneath his eyes. I wanted to help them… but even I was scared. I was just like them… Jean was just like them… Armin was just like them… anyone who was anything but straight was in danger, and I could tell by the way that Jean was edging back and that Armin was shivering that they knew this as well. We were all in the danger zone, and there was no way we were going to get out of it now.  
  
“This is Mikasa, Eren, Armin, Annie, Connie, and Sasha.” I noticed that Reiner didn’t mention me… he must be leaving my introduction to Jean. “My name is Reiner, and this is my boyfriend Bertholdt.” No. I shook my head, and moved to step forward. Jean’s hand shot out to keep me back, and the man cleared his voice again.  
  
“We don’t want you queers in our house.”  
  
I’m in danger. He’s going to find out about Jean and I and we are both going to pay the price. I looked at Jean’s mother’s neck, and saw it. The Cross. She was Christian, and that made this situation even worse. I have nothing against Christians, I don’t… but the ones that are against homosexual relationships can be really scary… and this wasn’t going to be good. I remembered a music video I had seen recently… ‘Take Me to Church’ by Hozier. I remembered what happened, and instinctively grabbed the back of Jean’s shirt and pulled tight. I was scared. I was terrified.  
  
“Father, please…” Jean was trying to plead with him, but I knew that that would just make this situation even worse. What if his father started suspecting something? I pulled Jean’s shirt back more, trying to get him out of his father’s reach. Even I could foretell where this was going.  
  
“Get your faggot ass out of my house.”  
  
I flinched, and tried to get a really good hold on Jean, but it was all for nothing. He was pushing through the small crown once again, heading straight back into the danger zone, and to the front of us all. It was as if he was leading us into battle, but I could tell that this war was already lost. It was lost before it was started.  
  
“Father, we want to sleep here for one night. Then we are leaving.” Jean was trying to bargain with him now, but I knew that nothing was going to penetrate the protective walls that Mr and Mrs Kirschtein had put around themselves.  
  
The man’s gaze lingered on each of us, one by one, and I felt as if he was scanning us, trying to work out if any more of us were homosexual. His gaze fell back on his son, and he glared daggers at him. His voice came out as a growl.  
  
“No. We don’t accept fags like your friends here. Get out right now.”  
  
Jean stepped forward again, and I saw something stirring up inside of his that I hadn’t seen very often before. Compassion. Courage. _Confidence._  
  
“They are nice people-”  
  
“Why are you defending them Jean?” No. No no _no_. Jean was in danger now. His father got up closer to Jean, and looked at him as if inspecting him. “Don’t tell me you support queers all of a sudden.”  
  
All of a sudden? I reached out, coming up closer to Jean. The people around me moved easily, letting me through. Jean stepped forward, and shouted at his dad.  
  
“I ALWAYS SUPPORTED THEM. WHY DON’T YOU?”  
  
Jean seemed to shut down for a second, as if trying to compute the fact that, yes, he did just shout at his father. He seemed to faze out completely, slumping over. I heard Armin gasp behind me as Jean’s father raised his hand, about to hit Jean.  
  
I ran forward, jumping in front of Jean. His father’s hand stopped, and dropped back to his side instantly. I looked him in the eye, and I felt so… adrenaline pumped. I wasn’t going to let this go. You don’t simply threaten to hit my boyfriend and get away with it.  
  
My voice was sugary sweet, but somehow it sounded oddly terrifying. “Excuse me Mr Kirschtein, but you are being extremely rude.”  
  
The man eyes landed on mine, and he sighed. When he spoke, he sounded almost amused. “And who are you?”  
  
I knew what had to be done. It was time that we got out of here, and we may as well go out with a bang. I turned behind me, looking at Jean. His eyes widened, understanding what I was about to do. He nodded, quickly, and I got ready to make the final blow.  
  
“I am Marco Bodt, Jean’s boyfriend.”  
  
The room was silent… and then laughter filled the empty space. Mr Kirschtein was laughing?  
  
“Liar. My son is straight.” He shook his head disbelievingly, and wiped fake tears out of his eyes. “Why do you think he brought so many girls home in high school? To play goddamn board games? Last time I checked board games don’t scream.”  
  
Oh. I looked back at Jean, waiting for his to say something… anything. But nothing came. He glared at his father, but it was empty. He was lost, so I had to do it for him. I turned back to Mr Kirschtein, and cleared my throat.  
  
“Do you even know your son Mr Kirschtein?”  
  
“Hah? Of course I do. I know that he likes girls. You need to stop with all of these weird illusions…” The man laughed, and looked at me, shaking his head. “Jean could never love you.”  
  
I felt myself shut down. I was done now. I couldn’t think of anything else to say.  
  
My body budged as Jean pushed to stand in front of me again. He was shaking, and his knuckled were white from clenching them so hard.  
  
“I love Marco more that I could ever love you.” He spun me around, and kissed me. There was a shout and then clapping from behind us, our friends supporting us. When Jean finally pulled away, and we turned back to his parents, they were staring at us like we were hell spawn.  
  
“Jean. Get everyone out of my house right now.”  
  
“Father, I would like to stay the night he-”  
  
“Don’t call me ‘father’. I will not the father of a goddamn fag.” Jean stepped back, and I reached out to grab his hand. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening.  
  
“Burn in hell Jean.”  
  
Jean tried to redeem himself, but the short blonde haired girl got there first. Annie stood in front of everyone, and talked to Jean’s parents in a voice that sounded so innocent… but rattled me to the core.  
  
“It has been nice meeting you, you homophobic scum. I’ll make sure that the next time we have the pleasure of being in your presence will be in court. Goodbye you piece of fucking shit.”  
  
Annie pushed her way through the startled adults, and we all stormed out after her. We got in our cars without a word, and drove away.  
  
There was a silent agreement that was made that night.  
  
We wouldn’t be going back to the Kirschtein Estate.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
Jean’s car had been silent for a while now. Neither of us spoke… Jean just blasted My Chemical Romance out of his speakers louder than he had ever played his music before. It was a trait that he had adopted from me, whenever he was stressed or angry, he would play MCR. They had all the right songs for when you wanted to scream at the top of your lungs about how much life sucks.  
  
“Jean?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
It was about time that the silence was broken… Jean’s knuckles were white on the wheel, and I could see that he was grating his teeth.  
  
“Are you okay?”  
  
Jean sighed, and loosed his grip on the steering wheel slightly. “To be honest, I’m just surprised he didn’t hit me. Apart from that, I’m fine.”  
  
I could tell that he was lying. The tip of his nose went red. He was breaking down on the inside, and I had no way to stop it from happening or help him. I decided to just go along with it… he could talk to me about it when he was ready.  
  
“Okay. How far away is the caravan park?”  
  
“One more turn.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
I turned to look out the window, and tried to let my mind drift along with the wind. We just needed to have a nice sleep tonight, and then we could loosen up tomorrow, and I could introduce Jean to my mom and brother. Maybe he could stay with us over the second part of the Christmas break? Jean needed a family, and I was the closest he had to that. I knew that my mother would love to take him in. He was welcome, and he needed to know that.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
We finally managed to set up camp at a caravan park, and Jean and I offered to go and get food for everyone whilst they set up tents and beds.  
  
Jean and I were in the drive thru at McDonald’s when it happened. He was trying to pay for the huge meal, and I was fidgeting around with the iPod, making a new road trip playlist that was full of awesome and funny songs. I needed to make sure we were only listening to uplifting songs tomorrow.  
  
There was constant beeps from the drive thru window, when finally I heard the cashier speak up. “Uh, sorry sir. This card isn’t working.”  
  
Jean sighed, and started trying to pay with one of his other cards. It wasn’t going very successfully, and Jean finally went back to try his black card again. A new message popped up on the screen, and Jean’s face fell. He looked over at me, and he eyes were wide.  
  
“Marco, my cards have been deactivated.”  
  
It was real. He really had been disowned. Jean no longer had any money. That meant that we were going to have to get jobs, and it would make the road trip so much harder for us. Jean was going to be our main supply of money, but now…  
  
I decided to stop thinking about the future, and focus on the now. I pulled out my wallet, and paid for dinner. It was over a hundred dollars, but I was too furious to care. We collected our food at the final window, and then left to go back to the caravan park. I rested my head down on Jean’s dashboard, and hoped that the rumbling of the engine on my forehead would soothe the awful headache that was easing its way into my head.  
  
So much had happened today, and hardly any of it was good. Jean was alone, we had no money… I was probably broke. I groaned, and then spoke up loud enough for Jean to hear me loud and clear.  
  
“Screw your parents. My mom can that you in while you get yourself set up, and you can live with us. Your parents don’t deserve your company. Screw them.”  
  
  
\-----------  
  
  
We were driving down the road to Jinae, and Jean and I were talking about old times. I had already told him more about my family and school life, and I found out about Jean and Eren’s… well… _rocky_ _past._ It was quite dramatic actually.  
  
Hilarious too.  
  
Apparently Mikasa played a big role in Jean’s high school love life. And primary school love life too. Apparently Jean and Eren’s fallout all happened over a school dance… cliché really. Funny none-the-less.  
  
We had been sitting quietly just listening to music when Jean spoke up again.  
  
“Marco. How did you work out you were gay?”  
  
Well. I had never put much thought into it, it just came across me. There was one thing though. “When I was in high school and primary school, I never really hung out with boys. I always hung out with girls. I got along better with them, and I never really understood why. One day at school a guy called Lachlan came up to me and asked me if I was trying to get with one of the girls I was hanging out with.”  
  
“You weren’t, were you? You just preferred to hang out with them.”  
  
“Exactly. I told him that, no, I wasn’t try to ‘get with them’, as it was called. I told him that I just wanted to hang out with girls, not boys.” I thought it was perfectly normal to hang out with whoever you wanted to, but apparently not. “He then asked me if I was gay. I instantly said no, and not because I was hiding it from him. I said no because I had no idea what ‘gay’ meant.”  
  
Jean nodded, concentrating on the road ahead of him. I noticed that we were getting closer and closer to home. I could feel myself shivering with excitement. I missed my mother and Luke so much… and most of all I couldn’t wait to introduce Jean to my mother. I knew she would love him, she loved everyone… I just wanted to see how much Jean loved her.  
  
“Since I didn’t know what ‘gay’ meant, I decided to ask my mother. This all happened just after I got out of my coma, and I suspected that it was another one of the things that had changed since I woke up 2 years in the, well, to me… future. I went up to her while she was cooking dinner that night, and asked her what ‘gay’ meant. She smiled, and told me.”

I smiled as I remembered what had happened. It was that night that made me realise just how much I loved my mom. “‘Marco, gay means if a boy likes a boy, or if a girl likes a girl. Why?’ She was so gentle about it, careful. I told her what Lachlan had said, and she smiled again. It was as if she already knew. ‘He was asking if you like boys. What did you say?’ I told her that I said ‘no’, and she stopped cooking to sit down and talk to me about sexuality. I was about 14 at the time, so I got it quite easily.”  
  
“She told me all about how being gay isn’t considered normal, and some people might find it offensive. I thought that it was awful, and that people should be able to like whoever they wanted. She just nodded, and asked me what gender I liked. I told her I didn’t know, and I thought about it for the first time at school the next day.”  
  
“I guess it happened during my maths class. The teacher walked in, a supply teacher. She was wearing a really short skirt, and she was really young. All the boys in the class room kept on telling me about how ‘hot’ she was, but I just wasn’t interested. The boy next to me, a popular one that I never spoke to, was taking photos of her and sending them to his friends in other classes. I was wondering what was so great about the teacher, sure, she was pretty… but it wasn’t anything to special.  She was just another girl. I had fazed out, and when I fell back to reality I noticed I was staring at the lips of the guy next to me. I decided to test myself.”  
  
“Did you make a move on him?” Jean had been silent for all that time… I almost thought that he had stopped listening. It was kinda cute that Jean was butting in now though. He sounded jealous.  
  
“No, don’t worry.” I looked at Jean, and he was staring at the road, smiling. His cheeks were slightly flushed, and I grinned. “I closed my eyes, and tried to think of the prettiest girl I could… and then imagined kissing her. I couldn’t. I decided to try and imagine kissing the boy next to me… and, well. This next bit is a bit awkward.”  
  
“This is gonna be great, I can already tell.”  
  
“Well, I close my eyes, and imagined him in front of me. Then I imagined kissing him… and I could. Then I realised that it wasn’t just kissing that I could do.” Jean was going red beside me, holding in laughter. “Long story short, I ended up taking a trip to the bathroom with the realisation that I was gay… very, very gay.”  
  
Jean’s laughter filled the whole car, overriding the music and engine. It was quite funny now that I thought about it.  
  
“Anyway, I went home to tell my mom, and she smiled. She told me that she thought so before, and I asked her if she was okay with it. She said that it didn’t matter what I was, she would always love me.”  
  
Jean smiled sadly. “I wish I could have been as lucky.”  
  
“Jean, you don’t need them anymore. They’ve just pulled you down, and you deserve so much more than that. Parents are supposed to be there for you, and love you no matter what. You have a new family now. That family is sitting right next you, that family is driving in the cars right behind you… and that family is sitting in Jinae, about to meet you and accept you.”  
  
“Thank you, Marco.”  
  
“You have to remember Jean. You aren’t alone.”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
“I’M ON THE HIGHWAY TO HELL! HIGHWAY TO HELL!”  
  
Reiner was driving up beside us, and rolling down his window. He was yelling something but I couldn’t tell what… AC/DC was too loud. Eventually Jean managed to communicate to him to turn his music down, and we could hear what he was saying.  
  
“We have to turn off at this next right exit for the motel! Text me tomorrow morning with Marco’s address and we’ll be there at 9! See ya!”  
  
They took the right exit, and Jean eventually turned off at the right exit after theirs. “So your house is just up here right?”  
  
Yes it is! Yes it is! “Yep! I’ll tell you when to turn!” I was so excited, I was going to see my family again! Luke, Mom… even Millie! Jean was going to love her.  
  
I waited for the turn and yelled out for Jean to turn. We were officially on my drive way. It was going to be a long drive… my house was deep within the bush. The music was loud, and I thought up a plan. “Turn the volume down, I want to surprise them! They are gonna be so excited, oh my god. I can’t wait to introduce them to you! Luke’s gonna be so happy, and mom! Oh, mom.”  
  
I missed her so much, and I knew that she missed me as well. She told me at the end of every phone call and email. I hadn’t told her that Jean and I were coming, so this was going to be completely unexpected. I was jumping up and down in my seat now.  
  
Jean parked the car a little bit away from the house, hiding it from view. I hopped up to the threshold, and Jean walked up calmly beside me. He was smiling, and I could tell that he was excited as well. He was just more reserved about it than me.  
  
I knocked on the door, and the reaction was instant. We never go many visitors out here, so if there was a knock on the door it was normally important.  
  
“Mom! Are we expecting someone?” It was Luke! He sounded so different… his voice was breaking, and he sounded slightly scared. I turned to Jean, and told him that it was Luke. There was another shout from inside, my mom.  
  
“No, we aren’t. It’s probably those darn pamphlet people again.” They were back. They always came around with a vengeance around the Christmas season, wanting us to donate to charities. We would have loved to, but we were always struggling enough trying to feed ourselves. “Ugh. Leave it.”  
  
I wasn’t going to let that happen. “Hello! Delivery for Mom and Luke! One Marco for your enjoyment!”  
  
It was silent outside, and then Luke’s voice came shouting. He sounded as if he didn’t believe me. “Marco. Mom! MOM IT’S MARCO!”  
  
“MARCO?”  
  
There was the slam of the front door opening, and Luke had jumped up to hug me. I wrapped my arms around him squeezing him tight. When Luke finally jumped down, I saw my mother. She was smiling, her curly black hair framing her face. She didn’t look a day older.  
  
She stepped up to me, hugged me close. “Welcome home, honey.”  
  
“Thanks Mom.” I smiled, and kissed her on the cheek. It was Jean’s turn now. She stepped back and looked at Jean. He smiled awkwardly, and she grinned.  
  
“Hey, who’s your friend here?”  
  
Here we go. “Mom, Jean. Jean, Mom. Mom, Jean is my room mate from Trost… and also my boyfriend.”  
  
She turned to look at me, grinning. “Honey! I’m so happy for you!” She turned to Jean, scanning him up and down. “You even scored a cute one!”  
  
Jean had gone exceptionally red beside me avoiding eye contact with everyone. He was blushing at the ground, a small smile on his lips. I looked at her, and mumbled. “Moooooooom.” She was right though. It was a pretty good score.  
  
“It’s lovely to meet you Jean! You can call me Isabel.” I knew it. I looked over at Jean, mothing ‘I told you so.’ He nodded, grinning from ear to ear.  
  
“It’s amazing to meet you too, uh… Isabel. Marco’s told me so much about you.”  
  
My mom looked at me raised an eyebrow and smiling. “All good things I hope!”  
  
I grinned. “Oh, of course! Let’s go in, it’s freezing out here!”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
My mom started cooking her amazing lasagne by my request, and Jean, Luke and I sat in front of the fire. It was snowing outside, and getting colder and colder. We were all making plans regarding sleeping arrangements, and my mom wanted to know everything. I knew that it was going to get awkward sometime… and that time appeared to be then.  
  
“Jean, you can sleep in Marco’s room, right?”  
  
Jean looked over at me, raising his eyebrows. I shook my head, knowing where this was going. “Uhh, uh yeah. Sure.”  
  
I hoped that my mom wouldn’t ask any more questions after that, but it appeared that I wasn’t in luck. “Do I need to get an extra mattress or are you two already sharing a-”  
  
Oh no you don’t. “MOM!” I felt myself go red, and Jean was looking at the floor. Luke was grinning, finding this very amusing. His time would come.   
  
“Well? Are you gonna answer my question?”  
  
I knew that I was going to have to answer the question one way or another. I sighed, and looked up to meet eyes with her. “We’ll be fine.” I looked at her pointedly, getting across that I didn’t want her to go any further on this topic. She laughed, and Luke was the next one to speak up  
  
“So you are sharing a bed.” It wasn’t even a question. He knew what the answer was, he just wanted us to say it.  
  
Jean looked at Luke, flushing up again. “S-so?”  
  
Luke was smirking now. He knew how to make this awkward for us, so he was going to do everything in his power to make this whole conversation extremely difficult for us. “How long have you guys been going out for?”  
  
Jean answered. “5 months…”  
  
“So when are you getting married?”  
  
NOPE. “MOM!”  
  
“Okay Luke… stop torturing the poor boys. Eat your lasagne and then bed. C’mon.” She called Luke up to the table, and set a plate full of the Italian delicacy in front of him. He grinned, and digged in; his mouth was too full to pester us anymore.  
  
  
\-----------  
  
  
Luke finally went to bed, and mom, Jean and I decided to entertain ourselves by putting up the Christmas tree.  
  
“Okay so the purple branches go on the bott-” I reached out, grabbing the closest purple branch for the Christmas tree. “MARCO! That’s blue!” Oh yeah, it is. “What are you? Colour-blind?” I shook my head, searching for a different branch.  
  
Jean scooted beside me, and smiled. “Jean, honey, could you please get that yellow branch over there for m-” He grabbed a lime branch, and started going over to my mom. “No the other-” Jean dropped the branch he was holding, and grabbed an orange one instead. “The other on-” He sighed, and picked up a pink branch. “Jean. Yellow. Not pink.”  
  
It turned out that the only one who actually had any idea of how to put up a Christmas tree was my mom… Jean and I were awful at it. Once we finally got it up, it was time to decorate it.

My mom pulled out all of the old decorations… I hadn’t seen them in so long. We grabbed one at a time, walking up to the tree and hanging it up. Jean started putting them up the top first, and mom didn’t seem to care where they ended up. I stood back for a minute and just watched them hanging up the decorations with not an ounce of order, like a satanic ritual created just to put me through pain.  
  
“Stop stop stop. You are going it all wrong. There is an order in which you are supposed to be hanging these up. Mom, do I have to go over this every single year…”  
  
Eventually I got Jean and my mom to sit back on the lounge and just watch me hang them up. It looked much more orderly, and as if the person who put it up actually gave a shit regarding how it looked. May have something to do with the fact that I do give a shit… quite a few shits.  
  
Since I ended up doing all of the work, I also got to hang up the star. As I was reaching up to stick it on top of the tree, I heard Jean speak up. It was the first thing he’d said since I’d told him to give up on decorations, and he wasn’t being very discreet regarding his noise level.  
  
“I’m a big fan of your work.”  
  
My mother answered back. “The baubles?”  
  
Jean chuckled, and replied. “Marco.”  
  
I grinned, and finished adjusting the star. It was done, and my mom got Jean and I to pose in front of it… she apparently needed some cute pictures of us to go up on the walls. Once she was finished, she told Jean that he could go and get dressed in the bathroom. I took my chance.  
  
My mom had moved into the kitchen to start preparing dinner for all of our friends that next morning, and I approached her slowly.  
  
“Mom, there’s something important you need to know.”  
  
“What’s wrong honey?”  
  
I took a deep breath, and hoped for the best. “Yesterday we stopped by at Jean’s house to pick up some necessities for the road trip.” She’d stop pulling out ingredients, and was now watching me intently. “Whilst we were there, Jean’s parents came home… and they didn’t know that we were there.”  
  
“Ma-”  
  
“BEFORE you say anything about how they should know that we were going to be there… please hear me out. This is really important.” She looked at me, and scratched at her nose. She was worried. “Jean’s parents found out that he was gay.”  
  
“Oh no.” She looked at me, standing up straight, and walking over to hug me.  
  
“They- they called us faggots… and told Jean to burn in hell.”  
  
“Oh my God.” She wrapped her arms tightly around me, and I felt a tear slip from my eye. I didn’t deserve to be comforted like this right now… Jean was the one who needed it.  
  
“His parents completely disowned him, he doesn’t have a family, he doesn’t have money because his parents deactivated all of his cards… I was wondering if we could help him.”

“Definitely. We will help him Marco. We will.”  
  
We discussed some possibilities for different ways to help him, and eventually came up with a plan. All I had to do was tell Jean.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
Jean and I were in our pyjamas, and now it was time to show him my bedroom. I opened up my door, and smiled. It had been a while. Jean walked into the centre of the room, and looked at all the walls. They were covered in posters from bands and TV shows, and there was also the odd photo here and there.  
  
He walked straight over to my ‘My Chemical Romance’ collection, and grinned. He turned to look at me, laughing. “What do you do here? Worship the Band Gods?”  
  
I grinned, and grabbed some spare pillows and comforters of the ground to set up my bed. “Woah, dude. That’s weird. Just animal sacrifices.”  
  
I spread an extra comforter over my king bed, looking forward to sleeping in it again. I was sick of the single ones. And of Jean being a blanket hog. I added some more pillows, whilst Jean inspected me closely. I finished up, and jumped onto my bed. “What do you think of my family?”  
  
“They’re amazing. It will take a while for Luke to warm up to me, but your mom is amazing.” He smiled, but I just sighed. I had to tell him what my mother had said.  
  
“That’s good. I… um. Well…”  
  
“What? You can tell me.”  
  
I took a breath, scratching my cheek. I had to hope that Jean wasn’t going to be mad with me. “I told my mom about what happened at your house.”  
  
“Oh.” His face fell for a second, but it cleared up quickly. I looked at me, smiling gently. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. But what did she say?” He looked so hopeful.  
  
“She mentioned that we have two spare weeks before college goes back in, and after we’ve finished out road trip… so she asked if you would like to come and live with us for a week and a bit?”  
  
Jean instantly brightened up, and he grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly. “Marco! I would love to! That sounds amazing!” He kissed me on the nose, grinning wildly. “What were you so worried about? Did you think I was going to say no?”  
  
“Well, yeah kind of.”  
  
Jean laughed, and sat down beside me, falling back and bouncing slightly. “You’re mad. I love you.”  
  
“I love you too.” I looked at my alarm clock, and realised that it was almost midnight. Oops. “We should sleep.” I switched of the lamp on my bedside table, and encased the room in black.  
  
“Yeah, okay.” I heard the crack of Jean’s bones as he stretched, and wrapped him hands around my waist, pulling me up next to him. “Goodnight Marco.”  
  
I smiled, shifting until I was laying comfortably against his body. “Goodnight Jean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy valentines day everyone!!!
> 
> if you were alone this valentines day i'll be your valentine cause your hot and i love you <3


	13. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easing up the tension in the only way they know how!

“It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with the restart.”  
-Roll Away Your Stone, Mumford and Sons  
  
  
  
Jean and I had woken up this morning with the knowledge that we were going to be forced into hard labor by my mother, the unstoppable force of nature. And sure enough, when we walked into the dining room, we were faced with a table stacked with my mother’s best baked goods. She stood at one edge of the table, accepting our compliments graciously before telling us to set the table and then get cleaned up for our friends’ arrival.  
  
My mother had welcomed them all into the house like a real parent, treating them all as if they were her own children. Breakfast was… in one word… pleasant. Everyone was quiet, and if looked like a normal family event that we were partaking in. Picture perfect, ready to be put on top of the fireplace. My mom was quite proud of herself for being able to pull us all together so easily, I had warned her earlier this morning that my new college friends were a metaphorical hurricane. Sometimes non-metaphorical. I’m never going to forget the pigsty left over in Ymir’s apartment after that party.  
  
Breakfast ended for most of us, so now we were getting ready to head out. I had the group gathered in the living room, all of us hanging around the screen door leading out to my backyard. We were waiting for everyone to finish up their breakfast, and by everyone I mean Sasha and Connie. They were the biggest fans of my mother’s cooking, and they appeared to want to let her know it. Sasha was making sure that she got every piece of information she could about making the perfect croissant.  
  
“I wonder if there’s going to be any wreckages there... that would be amazing! I would definitely be able to pick up some amazing samples of rare algae for Ms Brenska. When I told her that we were going to the beach for the first time, she was telling me all about the types of things I might see… she even gave me a huge book on different types of barnacles! I should bring that…”  
  
“I don’t really think that’ll be necessary.” I could tell that Armin was excited, he just wouldn’t shut up about all the things he was going to do, find and collect. The little blond was bouncing on the balls of his feet, grinning up at me. He had been thanking me endlessly for thinking of taking us to the beach, and when he found out about my plans to stay there for the night, seeming it was practically my own private beach, he almost exploded from the happiness. My mother instantly took a liking for Armin… she said that his enthusiasm reminded her of Ellie.  
  
Armin was rattling off about dolphins or something when the tornado known as Eren appeared, grabbing Armin’s hand and pulling him away. “Armin! Jean gave me a great idea! I never knew that he knew so much about love…” I watched as Armin was pulled away from me at alarming speeds, and dragged effortlessly to a corner of the room where no one could hear them. I looked around the room, trying to work out what just happened, and noticed Jean sitting up against the back wall with wide eyes and a startled expression.  
  
I walked over to him, and put my hand out to help him up. He took it graciously, a worried smile spread across his face. I remembered what Eren had said regarding Jean giving him love advice, and I needed to know. This was probably going to be a story to remember. “Jean? What the hell just happened? Eren grabbed Armin and ran off somewhere muttering something about love…”  
  
He sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. “Eren is impossible!” I smiled, knowing instantly that something great had happened. I could write a great series about the adventures that Eren and Jean had had together… it would be a bestseller. “I try and help him with his love-life, and I do. Except I don’t. It’s so… so confusing. Can we go to the beach now please… I need some relaxation time.”  
  
I could tell that he needed, Jean was starting to get stressed over the simplest things… he really did need that downtime to get in touch with his peace again, college had really affected his psychological side… he was gradually going mad. But so were we all, I couldn’t really comment on it.  
  
“Okay!” I grinned, and got everyone’s attention. The room fell silent, and everyone looked over to me as I clapped. “Let’s go!” I picked up my satchel from the ground near the screen down, and walked straight out into my backyard and onto the path that I knew so well.  
  
Jean was up beside me quickly, panting slightly and looking extremely confused. Oh, that’s right. I forgot to tell them about where exactly the beach was. This was going to be a fun trip. Jean looked at me, and raised his eyebrows. “Where are you going?”  
  
“To the beach.” I looked over at him, and smiled when I saw his pissed face. I smirked and continued walking down the path into the woods. We were now surrounded with trees, and I could hear the crunching of the rest of the groups’ shoes behind me. I could tell by the muttering that they were all as confused as poor Jean was.  
  
Jean ran in front of me, turning around so that he was walking backwards and staring at me. He threw his hands up in the air, motioning towards the trees around him with a scowl. I knew he liked staying inside, but was he really _this_ against Mother Nature? “Marco.” His voice was dead-panned… he really was done with my shit. “We are in the middle of a motherfucking _forest_.”  
  
Oh, so he was bringing out the language now? I could do sass as well, and I loved seeing Jean get angry over petty things. It was adorable. I smiled back at him, ignoring his glare. “Great observation Jean!” I grinned, and he scoffed.  
  
“You little shit.” I laughed, and Jean glared at me even harder. It wasn’t going to work. He was giving me that same look that he gave me when I first killed him on Battlefield 3… with a _cardboard box cutter._  He was pissed with me for day, and refused to play it with me again for a week. I didn’t even have any cheats on!  
  
Jean was still scowling and giving me his best death glare, so I just smiled. He moved to walked beside me again, taking small steps so that he was in front of me. “You’re on a roll today, aren’t you?” He stopped suddenly, and glared at me once again. I laughed, leaning over and gently kissing his forehead. “You’re cute when you’re angry.”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
We had only been walking for about 15 minutes when Armin appeared beside me, looking slightly fidgety.  Jean was a few metres behind me, talking with Reiner and Bertholdt, so I decided to pick up a conversation with Armin. “Please tell me that you aren’t going to ask me where we’re going.”  
  
“No. Actually, I was going to ask you for a favour.” Armin sighed, and looked up at me with pleading eyes. “It’s not much, but it’s really going to help Eren.” Eren? I remembered what had happened this morning, and worked out that it probably had something to do with that. I nodded, and Armin continued. “I need you to start a game tonight. A game with singing in it.”  
  
I smiled, I knew one. “I know a game where you have to go around in a circle, remembering all the lyrics to a song, and singing one word at a time! The result is either awful or hilarious… it’s always a good campfire game-” Armin shook his head, and I stopped.  
  
Armin scratched behind his ear, and looked around us, making sure that no one was listening. “Do you know one that could possibly result in an intended serenade that with cause someone to fall in love with another person?”  
  
It was my turn to start thinking. What game did I know that could result in a relationship? I thought about how Jean and I got together, but I realised that a beach disco wasn’t really on out list of options for this one. Then I remembered a game from my childhood… one of my favourite games from my Music class. “Uhm… I know one where you suggest a song for someone to sing, and then they have to sing it as best they can…”  
  
Armin grinned, and put his thumbs up. “Yes! That one is perfect! I’ll have to tell Eren, he’s going to be so excited. Also… do you know any cute love songs?” I smiled, realising that I agreed with my mom. Armin’s enthusiasm towards the simplest things really did mirror that of my late sisters.  
  
“I know heaps.” But why would Armin need to play a game resulting in someone falling in love. What does Eren have to do with this? Why does Armin want me to tell him a cute love song? “If I were to ask you what exactly you are planning, would you be able to tell me?”  
  
Armin’s eyes got wide, and he looked up at me. “I don’t know. I’ll go an ask Eren… I’ll be right back.” Armin disappeared from my side, and returned a minute later, smiling. “Eren says that he knows he can trust you, so yes, you can know. Let’s just walk a bit faster, I need to make sure that it’s only you that hears this. Anybody else finding out could ruin our plan.”  
  
We walked further ahead the rest of the group, and Armin started telling me what was going on. “Last night at the hotel, we all got a little bit drunk, and something happened between Eren and Mikasa.” My eyes widened, and I got worried. I had realised that they were being pretty silent towards each other… but they didn’t have a bad fight or anything did they? It was as if Armin had read my expression. “They didn’t fight, don’t worry! It’s just… well… long story short Mikasa screamed and Eren realised and shit happened.”  
  
I smiled at Armin’s explanation, and decided that that much information would have to do for now. I could find out more detail later if I needed to. “Anyway, that night Eren hardly slept… he kept on telling me about how he just realised that he loved Mikasa and he had no idea what to do.” I didn’t even faze me that Eren liked Mikasa… when I first met them I already thought that they were dating. “As you know, Eren and Mikasa have known each other since they were little… and now Eren realises that Mikasa means more to him than he realised. It was scary for him, but now he understands himself… and he wants to do something about it.”  
  
All of a sudden all of this morning’s happenings and plans fell together… and everything made sense. “Eren’s going to serenade Mikasa.” I said it as if I knew it was fact, and I knew I was right when Armin grinned and nodded. The plan was flawless… and hopefully it was also going to work.  
  
“He’s really nervous… he’s never been in a real relationship before. I’m going to help him practise at the beach, but first we need to work out a song.” Armin looked up and the sky, scratching at his chin. “Eren’s aiming for something that Mikasa won’t know, so that she won’t see it coming. Something with a deceiving title, that actually ends up being a cute love song.”  
  
I looked straight ahead of me, trying to think of any song that fits in all of those categories. Suddenly I knew exactly which song it had to be, and I turned to Armin, grinning wildly. “I have the best song. Does Mikasa know the band ‘The Wombats’?”  
  
Armin looked over at me again, smiling. He looked hopeful. “No, I don’t think so. Are they popular?” I shook my head saying no, and he smiled. “This is going to be perfect. What’s the song title?”  
  
“’Kill the Director’.”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
I played the song for Armin off my phone, and he was grinning madly by the end of it. “This is going to be perfect! Can I borrow your phone? I need to play the song for Eren so that he can memorise the beat, and try and work out the lyrics-”  
  
“I can write them down for you?” Ever since I was little I’ve had a special talent for remembering song lyrics, especially if they were from my favourite band. I could have them typed out for Armin in less than five minutes.  
  
“That would be awesome!” I took my phone out of my pocket, and opened up the notes app, typing in the lyrics. When I was done I handed Armin my phone. “The lyrics are written down there, you can listen to the song and look at the lyrics at the same time. You should have the first verse memorised in a while, and the chorus is simple. Also, take my earphones as well so that only you two can hear it, no one else.”  
  
Armin grinned, taking the phone and earphones from me, smiling. “Thank you so much for all of your help! I knew I could trust in you to make this plan work. Eren’s going to be owing you for lifetimes to come! Thanks Marco!” Armin ran back to Eren, and they started revising.  
  
Jean turned up beside me again a few minutes later, sighing. “My legs hurt. I’ve never done this much exercise before.” He was rubbing the backs of his thighs, scrunching up his face to really get the point across.  
  
I smiled at him, and patted his back. “Poor baby. You need to get out more.” I grinned, and he scowled again. He definitely got out on the wrong side of bed this morning. He kept walking beside me none-the-less, muttering something under his breath about ‘…you don’t think I don’t know that already…’.  
  
We kept walking in silence for a few minutes, the only sound being the crunching of leaves behind us and the buzzing coming from Jean’s earphones. Jean was the first one to speak up. “Are we there yet?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Are we there yet?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Are we there yet?”  
  
“I’m quite sure that I have already answered that question eleven times now.”  
  
“But are we?”  
  
“NO.”  
  
Jean groaned, and kept walking on with heavy steps. He was starting to switch his satchel between different shoulders and holding positions, and it was starting to become obvious that he was getting bored of this long walk. Thankfully it wasn’t going to be too long before we were there. I knew they would all be grovelling at my feet thanking me soon. “Marco, does this forest ever end?” He pulled his music out of his ears, his ear phones now swinging idly from the hem of his shirt.  
  
“No Jean. It goes on forever.” I squinted up ahead of me, looking eagerly for the break in the trees that should be coming up. I couldn’t stand anymore of Jean’s moaning and groaning… he could really be a little shit if he wanted to.  
  
“Are you being sarcastic.” It wasn’t even a question. He knew the answer to his own question, he was just trying to get me worked up. I kept looking ahead, and then I saw it. The light at the end of the tunnel. Thank God, even I was starting to get tired, and I’ve walked this path at least a hundred times.  
  
“Yes.” I started speeding up, heading towards the light. I couldn’t wait to see the sea and the sand… it felt like it had been years. I cleared my throat, and yelled loud enough to get the attention of the whole group, some who were even 100 metres behind (Connie and Sasha, most likely, they were probably being held back by the weight of 20 or so croissants in each of their stomachs). “The end of the forest is just up here everyone! Come on!”  
  
I started running, and it was merely seconds before everyone was catching up to get closer to the now very obvious light. 100 metres… 50 metres… 10 metres… and freedom! We were greeted with the familiar clear sandbanks, free of the normal waste products you would see on a public beach. The rolling waves were leaving scattered seashells on the banks, and the flat beach made a great spot for camping.  
  
I turned around to look at everyone’s faces, namely Armin and Eren’s whose reflected complete wonderment.  
  
“Welcome to Ehrmich Beach!”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
It was relaxing, just lying back on the sand, and forgetting about the stress from college and my social life. I watched as Sasha was once again tipped by a wave and Connie, in typical boyfriend fashion, started laughing madly. Reiner and Bertl were doing the same, Bertl laughing when Reiner fell off his surfboard… again. Armin and Eren were in their tent rehearsing, and Annie and Mikasa were in there tent… doing whatever girls do. Jean still had no idea what was going on, but he seemed to sense the silence that had fallen between the usual craziness in our group. It was time for me to bring out the big guns. It was time for us to go back the way we were.  
  
I looked at Jean beside me, and he had spaced out completely. He was staring at the sand as if it held the secrets to the universe. “Hey!” Jean jumped slightly, and looked over at me, worried. I grinned. “Wanna go gather everyone up and play a game?”  
  
Jean’s expression faltered, and he gave me a look that said ‘what-are-you-planning’. He was never going to be ready. “What game?”  
  
I grinned even wider. “You’ll see!”  
  
I jumped up and ran over to Mikasa and Annie’s tent, leaving love-sick Eren and Armin to Jean. I stopped at the entrance to their tent, and called out. “Annie? Mikasa? Can I come in?” There was silence, then a small grunt from inside. I opened up the sleeve, and walked in. Annie was sitting back on her bed, and Mikasa was lying down and staring at the roof of the tent. “Is everything okay? You two have been really reserved.”  
  
Annie scoffed, and looked over at me with her eyebrows raised high. “Mikasa just needs to get some stuff out. No doubt Armin has told you about what happened at the hotel last night.” Mikasa groaned, and turned over so that her face was in the pillow.  
  
“No- actually he didn’t. I know something went down, I just don’t know what. I’m not really in the place to be intruding though.” I wanted to know, but I wasn’t going to butt in on something that still hadn’t been fixed. “I’m going to be starting up an amazing game, you guys in?”  
  
Mikasa’s head lifted up slightly, and she sighed under her breath. “What game?” She rolled back onto her back, and looked at me incredulously. “Is it going to be worth it?”  
  
I smiled, and thought about Armin’s plan. It was flawless, it had to work. I couldn’t let Mikasa and Eren’s friendship be torn up over whatever major event happened last night. Mikasa and Eren were the foundation between the friendships that had been built up, and such a simple thing like a fight shouldn’t affect them this much. It couldn’t… it won’t happen.  
  
“Believe me, it’ll be worth it.”  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
Eventually we managed to call everyone back to shore and to the campfire. We hadn’t set fire to the little bits of wood that Reiner and Bertholdt had collected yet, so it was just a small pile of wood. The pre-set tree trunks were still there though.  
  
When I was little, I used to come down here with Moblit, Ellie and dad, but I hadn’t been for years since their disappearance from my life. When Moblit came down from Italy a few years ago, he offered to come down with me… but I declined.  
  
Looking around the campfire and seeing all of my friends laughing and smiling was what I needed to get used to this place again. All I needed to do was turn this sad place into a happy one, and hopefully Armin’s game was going to help me do that.  
  
I stood up, grabbing the attention of everyone at the camp. “Okay. I think something is going on here that not everyone knows about, so I think that it is about time that we all loosen up.” I looked over at Armin, and he was positively beaming. Eren on the other hand… he looked like he was about to be sick. “This is a game that we used to play in music class, either for a challenge, to test your skills, or just for fun.”  
  
Jean groaned next to me, and I smiled. I could read his emotion off his face, and it was blindingly obvious that he wasn’t sure about this game. It always gave me a chance to pick on him though.  
  
“Okay. Jean.”  
  
“Oh no.”  
  
I got the desired response. “No no, don’t worry. I want you to choose any song, and a verse. I have to sing that verse, without stuffing up.” I smiled, and Jean’s eyebrows furrowed.  
  
“Okay. 2nd verse of… Lego House by Ed Sheeran.”  
  
“Okay.” I quickly got the beat of the song in my head, skipping through to the second chorus. I had always been good at this game… it was going to be to my advantage. And aside from that, I had heaps of practice with Ed Sheeran songs, thanks to Jessie. I reminded myself to thank her later.  
  
_“I’m gonna paint you by numbers  
And colour you in  
If things go right we can frame it and put it on a wall  
It’s hard to say it, but I’ve been there before  
Now I’ll surrender up my heart  
And swap it for yours”  
  
_ There was a round of applause as I finished it up with a bow, and then Sasha was onto me. She pointed at me like I had committed a crime, and grinned. “That one was too simple! You should do a less popular one!”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Um… what’s that one by Ed Sheeran, ‘cause you need me man-’” Oh. I knew this one. And evidently so did Eren.  
  
“You Need Me I Don’t Need You? Sasha… that’s a rap song.” Eren looked over at me, his eyes glinting and fiery, despite being a bright green. “You couldn’t do that, could you?”  
  
You’ll see. I looked back at Eren, smirking. “What verse?”  
  
He smirked right back at me, moving his eyebrows up and down. “Second verse.”  
  
“Okay then.” I grinned at everyone’s disbelieving faces, and sang… okay, rapped… the song that I had practiced over and over. Not only for Jessie, but for the Drama girl Natasha as well… she seemed to get a laugh out of it.  
  
_“Cause with the lyrics I'll be aiming it right_ _  
I won't stop till my name's in lights  
At stadium heights with Damien Rice  
On red carpets, now I'm on Arabian Nights  
Because I'm young and all my brother's gonna give me advice!”  
  
_ Everyone was now staring wide eyed at me, but some of them still looked like they didn’t believe me. I was going to have to finish the whole song if I wanted their approval. _  
__  
“Long nighter, short height and I gone hyper  
Never be anything but a singer-songwriter  
The game's over but now I'm on a new level  
Watch how I step on the track without a loop pedal!”  
  
_ Armin was grinning, obviously reading the lyrics like a book… realising that I was living the song. _  
  
“People think that I'm bound to blow up  
I've done around about a thousand shows  
But I haven't got a house plus I live on the couch  
So you can read the lyrics when I'm singing them out!”  
  
_ “OW!” _  
__  
“From day one, I've been prepared  
With vo5 wax for my black hair  
So now I'm back to the sofa, giving a dose of what the future holds  
'Cause it's another day!”  
  
_ I grinned, watching everyone’s astounded faces as they realised that I changed the lyrics. Jean’s jaw had dropped, and everyone looked almost mesmerised. But I hadn’t even started. _  
__  
“Plus I'll keep my last name forever keep the genre pretty basic  
Gonna be breaking into other peoples tunes when I chase it  
And replace it with the elephant in the room with a facelift  
Into another singers shoes using new laces  
Selling CD's from my rucksack aiming for the papers  
Selling CD's from my rucksack aiming for the majors  
Nationwide tour with just jack, still had to get the bus back  
Clean cut kid without a razor for the moustache  
I hit back when the pen hurts me  
I'm still a quiet boy in a F.O.B tee”  
  
_ Jean’s eyes widened, and he looked at me like I was the next Jesus or something. His eyes were reflecting the sunset, and it made his eyes glow a bright gold. _  
__  
“I'm still the same as a year ago  
But more people hear me though  
According to the MySpace and YouTube videos  
I'm always doing shows if I'm not I'm in the studio  
Truly broke, never growing up call me Ruffio”  
  
_ Jean looked down, shaking his head. He was easily the most surprised out of the group. Annie was smiling (weird), and Reiner, Bertholdt, Eren and Armin were all bopping their heads along to the imaginary beat. _  
__  
“Melody music maker  
Reading all the papers”  
  
_ Annie suddenly grinned, and I knew I had to do it.I grinned and said my favourite, and the last, line. “ _They say I’m up and coming like I’m fucking in an elevator_.”

“Cause you need me man, I don’t need you! Cause you need me man, I don’t need you! Cause you need me man I don’t need you at all.” Sasha pointed at me, as if cueing the final line.  
  
“Cause you need me man, and I don’t… need you.”  
  
Everyone clapped once again, and I sat back down next to Jean. I looked over at him, and he was shaking his head. He wasn’t angry, just disappointed that I failed to mention that I could rap. And well.  
  
There was a shout from the other side of the circle, and Connie was standing up and pointing at Jean. “Your turn Jean!”  
  
I looked over at Armin, knowing that it was supposed to be his turn to put Eren up to the challenge. Armin shrugged, and I looked back at Jean who was staring at Connie. “What? Why?”  
  
“Because, I think I know a good song.” Connie stood up, and started pacing back and forth scratching his chin. He picked up a coke out of the esky, and popped it open. “You know it, but it will probably be challenging.” Connie’s eyes sparked, and Jean sighed.  
  
“Okay… what song?”  
  
Connie smiled, and took a sip of his coke. “All you have to do is sing the first verse. I’ll do the before bit.” I looked over at Connie, raising my eyebrow. “Na na na na na na na na na na na na na…”  
  
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE? “YES!” I jumped up, and joined in with everyone else. I watched as Jean’s eyes slowly started widening as his part approached. We said the final set of ‘na’s’, and then Jeann took a deep breath.  
  
_“Drugs, give me drugs, give me drugs  
I don’t need them but I’ll sell  
What you got, take the cash and I’ll keep it.”  
  
_ Oh no.  
  
_“Say thanks to the wall”  
  
_ Connie choked, and burst out laughing. Even the angst-ball Mikasa started smiling. Typical how she would get joy out of seeing Jean fail.  
  
_“Store the cash at the mall”  
  
_ Typical how I could too.  
  
_“And we crawl and we crawl and we crawl  
You’ll be my detonator!”  
_  
Well, he got that bit right. I stopped laughing and gave him the thumbs up for the next verse. He should be okay from here on out.  
  
_“Love, give me love, give me love  
I don’t need it but I’ll  
Take what you’ve got and I keep it”  
  
_ Not quite… _  
  
“In a bag, in a box  
With an X on the floor  
More give me more give me more!”  
  
_**“SHUT UP AND SING IT WITH ME!”  
**  
_“Na na na na na na na-”_  
  
“From mall security!”  
  
_“Na na na na na na na-”  
_  
“To every enemy!”  
  
_“Na na na na na na na-”_  
  
“We’re on your property, standing in… V formation!”  
  
_“Na na na na na na na-”_  
  
“Let’s blow an artery!”  
  
_“Na na na na na na na-”_  
  
“Get plastic surgery!”  
  
_“Na na na na na na na-”_  
  
“Keep your apology, give us more… detonation!”  
  
“Jean, believe it or not, but you actually did okay. Well done.” Eren grinned and patted Jean on the back. He was practically glowing. The camp suddenly lit up as Reiner set fire to wood, the flames dancing in the night’s air. I looked over at Eren, raising my eyebrows. He nodded slightly, and called out. “Hey! Can I have a turn?”  
  
Armin’s voice almost sounded fake. He had obviously been practising this line over and over. “Ooh! I’ve got one for you Eren! Kill the Director. Verse 1.”  
  
“Okay!” Eren jumped up, and cleared his throat. Jean looked over at me, his eyebrows raised. He could obviously see that something was about to happen.  
  
Eren walked over to the fire, smiling. He cleared his throat, and started to sing. It was immediately obvious that he had been practicing... his voice actually sounded amazing.  
  
_“I’ve met someone that makes me feel seasick!  
Oh what a skill to have, oh what a skill to have._ ”  
  
Eren was smiling, and approaching Mikasa slowly, his eyes focused on her. Her face was blank, but it looked like her lips were quivering. Armin was watching on excitedly.  
  
_“So many skills that make her distinctive!  
But they’re not mine to have, no they’re not mine.”  
  
_ Eren kept on approaching, and I took a glance at Jean. His eyes were wide, and I held back my laughter. Everyone else seemed about as confused as Jean.  
  
_“Every time she looks I read the nearest paper!  
But I don’t care about the soaps, no I don’t care about the soaps.”  
  
_ Eren kneeled down in front of Mikasa, grinned as her sang, and her face cracked. A smile.  
  
_“But now I’m acting like I’m in an EastEnders episode!”  
  
_ Mikasa laughed, her whole face lightening up. I saw Jean look over at me with wide eyes, and I grinned.  
  
_“If this is a rom-com, kill the director!”  
  
_ Eren and Mikasa were leaning in towards each other, and Annie and Armin shuffled out of the way with a smile. Armin had the same face as someone who was cheering on their son at a football game.  
  
_“If this is a rom-com, kill the director please.”  
  
_ Finally Eren and Mikasa kissed, and Jean let out a gasp. He looked over at me, and I smiled. “Bring back any memories?”  
  
Suddenly Jean was grinning, and his eyes were narrowing onto me. “What could you _possibly_ mean Marco?”  
  
I grinned, picking up a stick and writing out my favourite song on the ground. It wasn’t just my favourite song though, no... it was me and Jean’s song.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
“So, am I going to get to sing something?” Armin stretched, and leaned back on the log he was sitting on, glancing around the camp. Eren and Mikasa were sitting together, talking in hushed tones, smiling and laughing. It was a nice change. Connie and Sasha were laughing, and Reiner and Bertholdt were poking at the fire. Annie had disappeared somewhere, and Jean and I were surveying the scene, enjoying the usual peace that we had.  
  
“I have one.” Reiner grinned, and pointed at Armin. “Okay, it’s simple. I’ll start.” The noise in the camp suddenly eased, and Reiner laughed. “Don’t drop that-”  
  
The reaction was immediate. Armin stood up, his eyes wide. “DURKA DURK.”  
  
Eren jumped up, pointing at Armin. “AYYYYY!”  
  
“DON’T”  
  
“DROP”  
  
“THAT”  
  
“DURKA”  
  
“DURK!”  
  
The campfire went back to complete silence, and Annie walked back into the circle holding a packet of marshmallows. “Who started them? Who do I have to kill?”  
  
All hands pointed to Reiner, who raised his arms in surrender.  
  
“Oh shit.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long to get this chapter out... I've been swamped with assignments and essays and I'm drowning in homework. Hope you all enjoy this chapter though! The next chapter should hopefully be out before long. :)
> 
> And that scene at the end was necessary.
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT//
> 
> I'm going to be posting the first chapter of 'The Finish Line' soon! 'The Finish Line' is the final instalment of this fanfiction, with extra stories from other peoples points of view. The one I'm going to be posting first is Levi's first day of teaching (part 1), and then I'll be posting up what happened at Jinae Hotel between Eren and Mikasa!!!! :D If you are having trouble finding it, simply comment and I'll send you the link! Thanks for all the support guys!!
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT// (again)
> 
> Here's the link XD
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3618741/chapters/7987758


	14. Forsake Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mask your fears, for they will become reality if you face them.

“I break, you don’t. I was always set to self-destruct though.”  
-If There’s A Rocket Tie Me To It, Snow Patrol  
  
  
Ever since I was little, I never thought that I would be able to find someone who would love me and care about me until the day I died. These thoughts only continued (and got worse) as my friends moved away, parents spilt up, people died. I started getting used to people leaving, and I almost tried to distance myself from people, ensuring that I would never be hurt. I was never good at being anti-social though, I would always try and be friends with everyone despite that pain that was waiting for me at the next turn. When I got close to friends at high-school, it made me feel so happy, but I always strayed away from trusting them completely, because you would never know when someone would turn everything you had ever said to them against you. I felt as if I was jumping the gun, befriending people before I knew that they would love me despite my various flaws. When I decided to go to college, I realised that I had to change my mindset, and start trusting everyone, otherwise I would never get anywhere in life. Only now am I starting to rethink my actions.  
  
Maybe I trusted Jean too quickly.  
  
  
\----------  
  
  
We got back to my house early the next morning, everybody aching from the exertion and heat. We were greeted at the door by my mother, who already had the buffet made and set out. She smiled and welcomed us all back, making sure to ask us individually how much we like the beach. Mikasa and Eren were the most enthusiastic.  
  
“I have the food set up in the kitchen and dining, go crazy everyone! I bet you’re all in need of some good food.” My mother smiled and went into her bedroom, probably attending to errands. We walked down the hallway, and were greeted with the smell of beautifu-  
  
“LUKE!” I rushed up to the table and pulled my little brother away from the chicken, where he was standing over it brandishing a knife. That wasn’t even the scariest part… he seemed too happy holding that knife.  
  
Reiner went up and patted Luke’s back, and Bertholdt muttered something about not ‘encouraging him’. I felt hands on my hips, and turned around to see Jean pushing me towards a chair. “Relax! It’s a buffet, just let everyone go wild!”  
  
I smiled, and let Jean sit me down on one side, and him next to me. I grinned as we all tucked in, and everyone fell into the simple happiness that we usually lacked. My mother was always good at bringing everyone together, even if we were just a group of idiotic 19 year olds.  
  
We ate and chatted for about an hour, when my mom came out of her bedroom. “How’s everyone liking the food?” There were compliments all around the table, mainly from Connie and Sasha who were playing Chubby Monkey with baked potatoes. No surprise that Sasha was winning.  
  
“I know that you’re all going to be setting off again soon, so I wanted to give you all a Christmas present!” Of course. She was always so polite, wanting to make sure that everyone was satisfied with their care when they left.  
  
Jean stood up, and smiled. “Oh, you really didn’t have to-”  
  
“I INSIST!” She went around the corner, and came back bearing an esky. We already had plenty of those, but another esky could always come in handy at some point. She planted it down in front of Armin, and smiled widely. “Open it!”  
  
Armin hesitated, but gently opened the esky. When the lid was off, everyone was already standing up and gathering around it. We were all greeted with the most color seen in our life… including any of Ymir’s parties.  
  
Sasha’s eyes went wide, and I watched as she swallowed a whole mouthful worth of potato. “That is a lot of candy.”  
  
Connie jumped up, and ran over to my mom, hugging her. She just laughed, and hugged him back. Eventually we were all caught up in a group hug, laughing and “thank you’s” reverberating around the room. The esky full of candy was left on the table, surrounded by dirty plates and empty serving boards.  
  
  
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I stuck my upper body out the window, and shouted out my thank you’s to mom, telling her that Jean and I would see her again soon. She waved back, smiling, and Luke ran out to chase our cars up the driveway. We reached the end of the immediate driveway, and he stopped, waving. I waved back as we drove away, straight to our next destination, Ragako. It was to be an incredibly short trip, only about 8 hours. But as we drove and drove, music blaring and speakers booming, the trip felt like it was only a few seconds.  
  
We arrived at 8pm, the stars clearly visible over Ragako Farm due to the lack of city lights. It was beautiful, in one word. Jean and I were the last car in out entourage, so the rest of our group was already unloading the tents and camp gear on the side of the road. I looked at the stretch of grass ahead of me, and realised…- we were going to have to drag all of the shit around us out there.  
  
“This is going to make a great Instagram photo.” Jean was staring up at the stars, grinning. I knew that he didn’t have the luck of seeing stars every night (don’t go there… disgusting), so I decided to be the photographer for him this one time.  
  
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I watched as the tents slowly started to go up, some more successfully than others… let’s just say that Armin was already half way through cooking dinner, and Eren was busy at work furnishing his partners creation. Mikasa and Annie had something going, probably because they knew instructions were important- unlike Reiner’s copy which was used to light the fire.  
  
Meanwhile, in the shadow of Armin’s 5-star worthy tent-house, was my dismal effort at a tepee. I’d given up on the tent idea ages ago, you need two people to make that… It was just me making the tent, and Jean who was sitting back and relaxing, letting out the occasional “good job”, “you’re doing great”, “looking good”.  
  
I pinned the last corner down, and stepped back to marvel at my creation. Despite the fact that it was the worst tent in the world, I loved it. Jean looked up at the moment, and smiled. He walked over to where I was, and patted me on the back before going into the tepee, at which point the whole thing collapsed around him, and Jean let out a single “oops”.  
  
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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM UPDATING AGAIN  
> WHAT (what)
> 
> The chapter will be around 1k/2k words for the next few updates, but its mostly because I am tying up plot and trying to get back into the swing of things after the year long haitus (sorry)
> 
> But yeS please remember to leave kudos if you're still enjoying this series! Comments are awesome AF and if you want to see when I update, then just click the Subscribe button! Thankkksss yaa'lllll

**Author's Note:**

> Read Jean's P.O.V at OPEN YOUR EYES (also part of the 'The Other Side' series)


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